Kaja the Vampire Slayer!
by Tashasaphi
Summary: KTVS. Read at your own peril. Fun for all. Swearing and inane madness await you... Chapter 12 now up.
1. Prologue

Kaja the Vampire Slayer and her slayerettes...and Camera crew...  
A parody and total cock up of Gundam Wing, Buffy, Angel, A1 and the A2 girls, including the mascots.  
  
Tasha pops out of nowhere, and lands (hovering cross-legged) above the G-boy's dinner table, carefully set with sushi and delicately polished. It also happened to be propped up by books but never mind.(Also, to avoid confusion between trowa, and myself I am named K (or possibly Klus?) in this sketch)  
  
Q- Aiyee! (Dives behind Wu-fei who sharply elbows him)  
D- Somebody tell me I'm dreaming. Heero, pinch me.  
H- No.  
D- Why not?  
H- Coz next you'll ask me to spank you!  
T- (aside to Duo) he's been reading too many yaoi fics on FF.net, ignore him and it'll pass  
K- Is no-one going to ask why I'm here?  
Q- No! Just go away! I wanna go home! (Begins snivelling. Blows nose On Wu-fei's shirt)  
W- Geez, I just had this dry cleaned, genderly challenged, and now look at it! (Quatre bawls even more)  
T- Just ignore him and he'll shut up.  
K- That's your answer to everything, isn't it?  
T-...yup.  
D- Will you go away if I ask you why you're here?  
K- Erm...yeah sure...(aside)...god these guys are slow...  
H- I'm not, it's just him. Ice cream on the brain. The rest of them, well, they're lost causes.  
D,W,Q,T- WHAT DID YOU SAY? (Glare at Heero)  
H- (carelessly) Omae O Kosuru.  
D,W,Q,T- Fair enough. (Return to positions.)  
K- OK guys, I have a biiiiig acting role 4 u, if u care 2 take it on...  
Q- (suddenly beaming without a sign or side effect of crying) Did you say acting, coz I'm a great actor!  
K-(sweat drops) sure you are...  
H- (spams himself)  
K- Neway, If your up to it, you can play the lead roles in a certain TV drama series I'm re-enacting... (Passes round scripts and photos)  
H- (Eyes boggle) I'm playing that?(A look of horror and disgust appears on his face)  
D- Easy tiger, don't get to keen, hehe...whoops(suddenly finds the barrel of a gun poised against his forehead.)  
Q- (Blows large pink bubble) I don't think I'm tall enough for this part...  
D- Quatre, we are all the same height!  
T- I'm taller than you are. I'll switch. (Quatre and Trowa switch cards.)  
Q- Eek! I'm not sure...  
T- Hey look on the bright side, the guy you play doesn't have any violent scenes.  
D- This role is so me. I think about sex the whole time as it is!  
H- Correction, Duo, you think about Ice cream all the time.  
W- ...That and food...  
T- ...And possibly Tofu.  
Q- Isn't Tofu food?  
K- Not where I come from, Ick!  
D- Can we just stop mocking me for one moment and focus on the task at hand? (Everyone blinks blankly at him.) THE ACTING!?  
K,H,Q,W,T- Oh right (resume conversations) (Duo sweat drops)  
K- so you'll do it then? (General nodding) GREAT! I'll go consult you co-stars!  
  
a1 are seated, if you can imagine, around a poker table at Paul's batchelor pad. They are playing Poker (would you believe?) and Paul is winning easily. Suddenly, Tasha (Who is renamed in this skit) pops into the scene, landing on Paul's blue armchair, which is filled with cuddly toys. Cue a girly scream...  
  
B- Argh! Ah Ah Ah! AHHHHHHH!  
T- OK, that's enough with the screaming, I'm not that...  
C- AHHHHH!  
T-...hideous...  
M- ARGH!!  
T-...OK, maybe I'm not perfect, but I'm not that scary... (Paul's lip trembles) Don't you dare...  
P-...mmmmmmmAGHHHH!  
T- OK, now I'm pissed.  
C- Please, oh great appearing one, do not be offended by our brutish cries...  
B- Wow, I didn't know he knew that much English...  
T- Chrissy, babe, I'm not a god, stop honouring me like one. (Chris shuts up)  
P- Who the fuck are u and what the fuck are you doing in my house!?  
M- Nicely put, Paul.  
P- Thankyou.  
T- Well those were two rude, but very important questions, gentlemen, which I will be happy to answer.  
B- OK, shoot.  
M- Ben, shut up man.  
T- (groans) Anyway, I'm Tasha.  
M,B,C,P- HELLO!  
T- Hiya! (Giggles) Anyway, and I'm here to offer you the chance of a lifetime!  
P- (Suddenly looks horrifed again) ARGH! My precious toys!   
T- (Floats off the chair, and looks down. A rather squashed monkey with a butt print in it is clearly visible. Paul's eyes well up with tears.) Whoops...  
P- Mr Monkey! A fan gave me that! (Glares at Tasha.)  
T- (Laughs embarrassedly.) Well look, Paul, it still works...(picks up the monkey and pull's the cord coming from its back. A Strange whirring noise is heard, followed by some even stranger noises. The monkey whirs to a standstill. Paul bursts into tears.) God you pop stars are such wusses!  
B- I'm not a wuss! I'm not crying!  
T- Ben babe, you're scared of your own hair for Pete's sake (who's Pete?), you're the ultimate wuss. (Ben pouts)  
C- Aren't you going to do something? (Tries to console a snivelling Paul. Mark has dozed off.)  
T- Fine! (Clicks fingers and the Monkey reinflates. Tasha pulls the cord.)  
MM- ooaa hehehe I'm monkeying around today! Heeheehee, hoohoo!  
T,C,B- (raised eyebrows as Paul grins dopily and clutches the monkey, hugging it tight and beaming tearfully)  
T- I never thought I'd say this Paul, but you are sooooo whipped. (Paul ignores Tasha. Mark wakes up.)  
M- So what's this big gig you've got for us? (Tasha beams and hands out scripts and pictures. Mark and Chris grin.)  
M,C- ALRIGHT! We're the camera people!  
C- Do we get to sing the theme song too?  
T- Yeah...sure...it kinda goes dunnadunnadunnadunnadunna dunnadunnadunnadunnadunna (continues until finished theme. Mark and Chris pout)  
B- (Looking stunned) You mean to say I have to play THAT?  
T- (Looks at picture) Yeah, ya kinda do. Personally (puts on obviously cheesy sarcastic voice) I find that character totally hot...  
B- Ya do?  
T- No. That's why I'm soooo not playing any corresponding roles.  
P- OK, I'm blondey boy, so who the heck do you play?  
T- I was thinking 'Faith, retro Vamp killer', but I'm in consideration.  
M- Who the heck is Xander then? She bonks his brains out, and spits at him.  
B- EW!  
T- ...On second thoughts, I'll let Ruth be Faith.  
C- So what are we supposed to say?  
T- Yes we'll do it would be nice.  
B- I'm in. Tell me this guy morphs into some cool vamp guy.  
T- I would, but I would be lying.  
P- Well, I have got some bleach in my bathroom...I'm in.  
M- I don't have to go on stage at all!  
C- I get to push buttons!  
M,C- YAY!  
T- the simple-minded are easily pleased...OK, guys, enjoy you're poker and I'll get back to you. (Winks and disappears with a resonating Pop!)  
  
Tasha walks into the form room (ie the original one where we belong!) where she spots KJ, Tammy, Ruth and Caz. (ps- Coz Tammy's name begins with T, I'm S becoz KJ is K. )  
  
K- Hiya Tassia-babe!  
S- Hewwo. (General hugging commences)  
C- Why oh Why am I here?  
S- Cazy, you'll see. Look, I have a major proposal that will make us all rich!  
T- Rich? Huh, did someone say money?  
S- R u skint again, babe?  
T- Totally and utterly. I spent my money on a new biro after someone wrecked my favourite one...  
S- Tammy, you chewed the end off in German!  
T- Point taken.  
R- Get to the point already!  
S- Ok, Ok! Keep you're knickers on!  
R- I intend to keep them on in public until I hit 16, thank you. (Fits of giggles, Ruth keeps a straight face.)  
S- I'm being metaphorical!  
K- Ow, head, big word!  
T- Look what you've done now! (Hurries to ask KJ if shes OK.)  
C- Can you just get on with it?  
S- Ok, people, we are going to act.  
T- Really, we are? Cool!  
K- I can't act!  
R- Sure you can, you 'acted' that you'd left your homework on you bedroom table this morning to Miss Lovell just a minute ago!  
K- Point taken. (Tasha hands out scripts and photos.)  
R- Why oh why am I slut girl?  
T- Why oh why am I bimbo? Hello, I do Tae Kwon Do, I should be lead role-ish!  
K- Oh, Cool, I play lead!  
C- I can't read this writing...  
S- Yeah I rushed, so what! You can either play a lead part or you can play Camera girl!  
C- Who else is camera-ing?  
S- Only a couple of mega hot guys...(whispers in Caz's ear)  
C- Oooohooohoo! This sounds fun! I'll be camera, as long as I get to do minor roles.  
S- Sure! That's what I offered them too!  
K,T,R- (look pouty)  
K- Why all this whispering?  
T- I heard cute guys, I know I heard cute guys!  
R- Can I go now?  
S- (groans.) Look, read your scripts, develop your character, and Caz...  
C- Yes?  
S- Go back to your own school! Your gonna miss first period! (Tasha clicks fingers and Caz disappears with a pop.) I love being a muse...  
  



	2. Chapter 1- Oh god what have I done

KAJA THE VAMPIRE SLAYER...  
And her Slayerettes...  
and the camera crew.  
  
CAST:  
  
K-Katie-Jane Kyte:- Buffy Anne Summers (I cannot WAIT until the Angel-buffy romance scenes, heheheehehheehe)  
L-Taman Lally:- Cordelia Chase (Queen C)  
R-Ruth Keattch:- Faith/Syam Bailey (if I'm feeling nice and want to give Wufei a part..hehe)  
S-Natasha Klus:- Willow Rosenburg (Pre Homo-sexual days)  
B-Ben Adams :- Wesley Windon-Price (SORRY!!)  
P-Paul Marazzi:- Spike (alias William the Bloody. Catchy, ain't it?)  
D-Duo Maxwell:- Alexander Harris (Xander)  
H-Heero Yuy:- Angelus (Or Angel Bailey as we have fondly nicknamed him)  
Q-Quatre Raberba Winner (He has a middle name!):- Rupert Giles (sorry!)  
T-Trowa Barton (Triton Bloom (Snigger)):- Riley...erm...Commando Guy? (or possibly bonder! HHAHAHAHHAHA)  
  
And...  
  
W- Wufei Chang, C- Caroline Andrews, M- Mark Read and I- Christian Ingebrigsten as the 'Camera Crew'...and ne minor roles.  
  
Aaand...  
  
1) Kerry Lawrence and 2) Stephanie Masi and introducing 3) Sara Veerama as the stage managers! ...And ne minor roles...if I'm feeling kind.  
  
THE FIRST DAY ON SET!!  
  
W- WHAT! U SAID I'D BE PLAYING A MAJOR ROLE!  
S- Did not. I sed you'd be playing ne MINOR roles that cropped up. I also sed u'd be head cameraperson. For god's sakes u've got a team of people to work with!  
W- I work alone until the day I die. I have no allies.  
S- They are not frikin allies! They are Co-workers! If you're not careful I'll make u coffee boy!  
W- Eep! (Button's lip and stalks off to his new friend, the camera, which he dubs 'Nataku' from the start.)  
Cast- (walk onto set in friendship groups)  
D- You have got like the best role! I mean, all I do is sit around and be a prat.  
H- You get to make out with at least three different girls.  
D- Your role sucks ass dude.  
T- I'm not comfortable with this. I mean, I come off the battlefield to become an actor, and I end up playing a commando! I should have stuck with the circus.  
Q- Talk about out of the frying pan and into the fire. Hey, at least you don't have to play sum dorky celibate watcher guy. No one knows how it feels to be such a prat.  
B- I do!  
Q- Quit listening in!  
B- Sorry. Anyway, I can't believe she dumped this crap part on me anyway. I mean, even Giles is better than this!  
P- Wesley is younger. That's a plus side. When you get to Giles age, I don't think you can even get it up any more man!  
B- The guy playing Giles is like half my age! And besides, is that all you think about?  
P- Actually, I believe he's fifteen, which is three quarters your age. And if you mean old granny sex, no, I think about a couple of other things too.  
B- Paul, you are one sick Bitch.  
K- I cannot believe Tasha made me dye my hair BLONDE! I swear I'm losing IQ points by the barrelful.  
T- (Holds up Three fingers) How many fingers am I holding up?  
K- Three, duh! (Bursts into girly giggles and slaps hand over her mouth to quash the flow of bimboness)  
R- Nope, ya sound the same to me (KJ thumps Ruth hard on the head) OW!  
S- (Claps loudly) OI! Hey everyone, welcome to the set. (General groaning, except for the main part of the camera crew, who are having a blast on the spinny chairs) Oh cheer up everyone! This is gonna be fun, and besides, I'm paying you!  
W- Really?  
S- Yeah, sure! But only if You behave and do as you are told! (Groans) Look what I have to work with. (Cat shakes it's head.) Anyway, you know you're roles already, so lets get into costume and makeup!  
D- But I'm a guy!  
K- Could of fooled me!  
D- Hey! (Everyone runs off to make up and costume. Tasha grabs Quatre's shirt.)  
Q- Hey! Wardrobe, going, let go, must...go!  
S- Not so fast, Quatty-boy. I need you to record the opening credit speech.  
Q- WHAT! This is not in my job description!  
S- Tis so, look...'I, Quatre Raberba Winner, can speak several languages including French, Arabic and English.' All I'm asking you to do is read out a bit of text. Pweeze?  
Q- OK, OK, quit the whining! (Reads cue card and steps up to microphone.) Ehem, "In every generation there is a chosen one. She alone can stand up to the vampires and the forces of Darkness. She is the slayer." Was that OK?  
S- Yep, now go get changed out of that god awful pink shirt!  
Q- You call this awful? For gods sakes you're putting me in tweed!  
  
ABOUT AN HOUR LATER...  
  
Everyone is changed. Duo is wearing A Hawaiian shirt and Cut off trousers. Heero is dubbing a White vest top and black baggy trousers. He is carrying around a trench coat. Quatre is wearing a pair of glasses, a yellowish shirt with tweed tie and suit and a pair of highly polished brown shoes. Ben is wearing a black suit, his glasses, a pink shirt and a black tie. His hair is slicked back. Paul's hair is now blonde and slicked back. He is wearing a ripped black T-shirt, black leather trousers and a black leather jacket. Trowa is wearing a blue air-tex shirt (ick) and blue jeans. Ruth is wearing a maroon sleeveless T-shirt, leather trousers and a leather jacket. KJ is wearing a red long-sleeved top and a pair of blue jeans. Tammy is wearing a pair of ridiculous pink sandals, a hellishly short white skirt and a really short blouse with no sleeves and the bottom tied up in a knot. Tasha is wearing a Blue denim skirt and a woollen jumper with flowers and leaves embroidered on it. Tasha has died her hair red. The Camera crew are wearing sound equipment. That's about it. Off we go...   
  
W- Three, two, one, action...  
K- So I guess this is the school Library then? This is so much bigger and dorkier than the one at my old school. And these walls could really use a coat of paint...  
Q- What are you doing here!?  
K- Erm, looking around? Geez, cool it!  
Q- Oh of course, right, this is a school library, open to the school public, yes, hehe, erm...right...god my lines are so dorky...  
K- I'm Buffy Summers. I just transferred here.  
Q- Summers!? You're...well, I was expecting something better to work with, but you'll have to do.  
K- What do you mean?  
Q- My name is Rupert Giles, I'm your watcher.  
S- QUATRE!? WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? CUT, DAMNIT, CUT!  
W- Nataku does not appreciate being bossed around. (Cut's off the film)  
Q- What? I learnt my lines off by heart, and that's what I'm supposed to say!  
S- No it's not! She's supposed to say, 'I'm buffy summers' and you're supposed to say that's nice and wander off behind the bookcase, then she asks if you've seen her watcher guy she's supposed to meet, and then you come out, blink in disbelief, look at her and say the 'you're?' line.  
Q- HEY! DON'T BLAME ME! YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE BAD HANDWRITING ON THE SCRIPT! BLAME YOURSELF! (Storms off in a huff to his dressing room. The star on the front falls off, revealing the title 'Broom Closet'.)  
S- (aside to Duo) He doesn't take criticism well, does he?  
D- Nope.  
S- OK, never mind, we'll film that later. Lets do the scene where Buffy is at the bronze and she meets Angel for the first time.  
K- I thought Buffy and Angel met in a graveyard?  
S- OK, OK, I'm a little rusty on my Buffy trivia, OK?  
D- A little rusty? Geez, you're the one whose supposed to be directing this endeavour! Next thing you know Xander's gonna be gay with Giles!  
S- I can do that if you really want, Duo.  
D- Shutting up now...  
S- Actually, I might, since I'm pissed off at Quatre...  
D- I'VE DONE NOTHING!!  
L- Yeah, Tash, he has a point.  
2)- (whilst changing set) He can do no wrong in my eyes...(drools)  
R- That is just pathetic.  
S- cough cough Ruth two months ago cough cough  
R- Shut up!  
S- Still, I need to show Quatre 'I've got pikachu rammed up my arse' Raberba Winner who's boss... (Sniggers from all except g-boys)  
T- Pika-what?  
H- Is that a new model?  
R- Let me re-phase that for you, Quatre 'I've got Gundam Nataku rammed up my arse' Raberba Winner. (Sniggers from g-boys (minus Wufei) and Tasha.)  
W- One, quit taking the pee out of Nataku! He has done nothing to deserve you contempt! And two, I know how you could get him ticked off.  
S- Do tell.  
W- Tell him that Trowa's dead.  
T- I don't want to die! Not now I survived all that killing!  
D- Most of it done by Quatre...(Trowa slaps him on the forehead)  
W- Baka, you don't have to die, we'll just tell Quatre that Monkey boy here spilt Quatre's Cappuccino over you and you died of third degree burns. (Mark looks offended (he happens to be carrying Quatre's Cappuccino))  
T- He'll get pretty upset though...  
D- Pretty upset? Yeah-right Trowa, he'll be bawling for days, even after he's found out you're alive!  
S- Can it Duo or operation 'Make Xander a homo' goes ahead.  
L- There are better ways to piss people off. After all the pranks I've pulled at training this should be easy...  
1)- Hello! We've finished the set!  
S- Cheers babe. Now we can get on with the scene. Heero, KJ! Get your butts over here pronto!  
K- You can boss him around all you want, but don't you dare speak to me like that!  
S- Chill bitch, I'm just messing! Anyway...erm...we need a couple of vamps... who are guys...Mark! Chris! Bung on the masks and fangs!  
M,C- (Walk onto set, dressed like vampies)   
L- Mark, take off that sound equipment! (Mark dohs and does as he's told.  
S- OK, we'll start this off with a quick fighting scene. KJ, don't hurt them too bad. Mark, Chris, when you get staked, freeze up and shudder for a couple of seconds, and then fall to the floor, then crawl away out of sight of the camera. We'll add the 'poofing' effect later. Heero, hide behind that big obvious tree and watch. NO SMILING, got it?  
D- That won't be too hard...  
S- DUO!  
D- Sorry!  
S- Is everyone in their places? (Cast of scene nod) Good. Wufei?  
W- Five, four, three, two, one, marker!  
M,C- RARGH!  
K- (Kicks em about for a bit and then they get poofied.) Phew (wipes brow)... erm... ... ...  
S- HEERO!  
H- What?  
S- You're just standing there! You are supposed to come out and say your line!  
H- You said just to stand there and not smile.  
S- grrr! CUT!  
W- I guessed that.  
S- Heero, you stand there until KJ says her phew line, and then you come out of the shadows and do you part, got it?  
H- I'm not an actor by nature, you have to explain these things. If you told me to do an attack formation, I could do it, but I'm still new to this. Pity me.  
D- What a ditzy...  
S- DUO!  
D- Shutting up now...  
S- Ok, I'll break things down in future, K? Now lets try that from the top, K? (everyone takes their places)  
W- Take Two, five, four, three, two, one, marker!  
M,C- Talking away! I dunno what, I'm to say, I'll say it anyway...  
S- THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT! I WILL BE IN MY TRAILER, CALLING PROPER ACTORS! (Storms off and climbs into caravan. Everyone glares at Mark and Christian)  
D- Well that was clever!  
M- We were just messing around...  
C- Yeah...(twiddles thumbs)... we didn't mean it...  
H- (Pulls out gun)  
M- HEY! I thought they confiscated that?  
H- No, they confiscated my pellet gun, that was in my pocket, not my proper gun, which was strapped to my leg. Who wants to go first?  
T- Try not to be too hard on them, Heero, they are our underlings, and their minds are weak and untrained, unlike ours.  
K- Oi! Clown boy! Are you saying that us girls are a bunch of air headed bimbos? (Mutual girl glaring).  
T- Err...  
D- What he means, ehem, ladies, is that the guys are dunderheaded fools, but you girls have the timeless intelligence of the stars.  
R,K,L,1)3)- Aw! (Smother Duo with hugs and the occasional peck on the cheek (STEPH!))  
2)- That's just sick! I mean, look at his hair!? It's so crap!  
W- I totally agree with you, woman, on that matter, but I agree with Trowa's first acusation on the other.  
2)- Why you...(Smashes coffee cup over Wufei's head)  
W- Err... nice little tweety bird...(faints)  
H- (Looks in disbelief at all the girls hugging Duo. Girls leave. Heero continues to stare in disbelief)  
D- (Straightens collar and sighs) What can I say, I'm great with the ladies...  
H- I just think you're good at blatant lying and use of words...  
D- Which is where you fall down, mute-boy...whoops! (Heero pulls out gun and begins chasing Duo with it, firing shots and making Duo squeal as they rush past his head.)  
S- (re-enters) I'm back, but I'm very angry still ya know!  
B- Are you replacing us already?  
S- Tom wasn't answering my calls.  
B- So I still get to have my big acting debut?  
S- sure! I wasn't going to fire you in the first place (flutters eyelashes)  
B- giggles (grins)  
B,S- (stare at each other for a long time, until Duo starts trying to make himself wretch on the other side of the set.)  
S- I've had enough of you! (runs over and smashes him in the shins)  
D- That's... worse than Quatre going crazy in Zero ...argh...  
Q- (sobbing from his dressing room) I heard that!  
S- Well if that's bad, what about this? (Nuts Duo. Duo keels over.)  
H- (Cue Zero Laugh)  
S- (walks over to him) One more to go... (Nuts him. Heero whimpers and keels over) That will teach you to laugh at other peoples misfortune, Yuy! I told you I was angry!!  
  
Is Quatre going to suffocate in his broom closet? Are Duo and Heero going to regain feeling in their balls? Will Tasha and Ben Hook up and will Wufei ever get over himself and grow up? Find out on the next chapter of...   
  
KAJA THE VAMPIRE SLAYER  
  
  
  



	3. Chapter 2- The madness continues

Cat- OK, I'm introducing this, coz I'm sick and bloody tired of the crap little opening title. Oh yes, isn't that a great name, Kaja the vampire slayer, whoopdeedo! Why not ROSIE, THE VAMPIRE CLAWER, or, ROSIE THE BIRD KILLER....ooo must go do that... anyway, here is chapter number 3, where I feature VERY LITTLE and Wu-fei (stupid womanising...) Features more than me, and little miss KJ features a whole lot more than me! I'm calling my agent...hello, I'd like Mr Woofy on the phone...  
  
KAJA THE VAMPIRE SLAYER  
And her slayerettes  
And the camera crew  
And the stage management team...  
AND THE CAT  
  
Quick run over of parts...  
  
K- KJ (Buffy)  
L- Tammy (Cordelia)  
R- Ruth (Syam Bailey in this chapter, 4 a laugh...u'll c)  
S- Tasha (Willow pre gayness)  
D- Duo (Xander)  
H- Heero (Angel ps...HAHHAHAH)  
T- Trowa (Rilay!)  
Q- Quatre (Giles...soso sorry)  
B- Ben (Wesley...SOOOOOOO sorry)  
P- Paul (Spike...not sorry)  
  
W- Wufei (head Camera Person, and a major/minor part in this)  
C- Caz (Head of special effects and treasurer...she bought the damn spinny chairs)  
M- Mark (Coffee boy)  
I- Christian (Camera assistant)  
  
1)- Kerry (Stage Manager)  
2)- Steph (Professional Duo oogler...ehem I mean Wardrobe and Makeup!)  
3)- Sara (Lighting and sound director)  
  
Shall I begin?  
  
Quatre is out of the broom closet. Duo and Heero HAVE (eventually) regained he feeling in their balls. It's time to begin another day on the Kaja the vampire slayer set...  
  
W- dumdeedumdumdum! (he's polishing his camera, Nataku)  
3)- Ok, I'm checking the sound now. Have you go the headset on?  
1)- Yes already, hurry up! Linkin Park album is waiting!  
3)- (Turns on sound)  
1)- ARGH! TURN IT DOWN YOU DUMBASS!  
3)- WHAT DID YOU SAY?  
1)- TURN IT OFF!  
3)- WHAT?  
1)- TURN IT OFF!  
W- Stupid women. (Turns on sound) That's what she wanted. She wanted the sound off.  
3)- Hey, if Kerry wanted to go bounding off it's her choice, not mine.  
W- Stupid, stupid, stupid...  
S- (ambles in, rubbing ears) What the heck was that?  
W- Baka Onnas over there tried out the new sound system and deafened themselves.  
S- So what else is new? Anyway, Woofy, I've got a job for you.  
W- You have?  
S- I want you to learn these lines and when you have go into the wardrobe and makeup with Steph. Give her this note when you do. Don't read it. It's not for you're eyes.  
W- Why not?  
S- Girl talk.  
W- Ahh yes, the communications of the inferior gender, why on earth would I want to read that?  
S- (whispering in Wu-fei's ear) Because you have posters of Britney Spears and Christian Aguilera all over you're walls, you've never ever wanted to read playboy and you call up people pretending to be a girl...  
W- ARGH! YOU LIE! (runs away screaming)  
S- But how did I know? (points at cheeks and grins) Coz I'm amazing Ally!  
Cat- You are? I would have chewed you up if you were.  
S- Ah yes, Wu-fei will never know where baby Nataku went, such a sad thing... Oh well! Muse at work, coming through! (Barges off between people)  
Cat- Ehem, folks, if you'll excuse me, I need some quiet time with Baby Nata... I mean my baby photos... yes... I was such a cute kitten, ehehehehehehe... (runs away, fast.)  
K- (enters the set) Hey everybody!  
All- Groan...  
K- Hey cheer up! Haven't you guys got your paychecks yet?  
All- Huh?! (Turn and glare at Tasha)  
S- Guys, there in the post, honest they are!  
D- Oh who cares anyway? This is about the fun of being in the theatrical limelight, not the money!  
H- Duo, shut up.  
S- Ok guys, we need to get to work. Ruth, I need to see you in my office, Ben, ask for a white shirt today, Quatre, the same applies to you, Everyone else, new wardrobe for all and lets roll people we have a deadline!  
T- Since when did we have a deadline?  
L- Since Tasha promised KJ this chapter would be finished by Monday, and we need to get this entire series over and done with quick coz Caz is demanding Life and Dreams Part two to be finished 4 Christmas or she'll rip Tasha's head off. Wow, I didn't breathe once in that entire sentence!  
T- You really think Caz would rip Tasha's head off?  
L- I wouldn't put it past her.  
D- Hey, if Quatre can kill people under the influence of the zero system, Caz can do anything under the influence of anger!  
C- HEY!  
Q- Why you...(begins throttling Duo)  
D- See what I mean? (choke)  
B- Hey guys break it up!  
P- No Ben, I want to see how this plays out!  
B- Shut it Paul! You guys are like best friends, stop it!  
Q- Correction, Trowa is my best friend.  
D- CAN'T BREATHE! (wheeze)  
B- Oh, I see, well, erm, that's an entirely different situation then isn't it?  
P- Please continue.  
B- Sorry for our interruption, guys. (Walk into make up)  
C- Maybe you guys should stop now, I mean, Duo's face it going blue, and that blood vessel in your forehead looks ready to burst, Quat.  
Q- (releases Duo)  
D- choke wheeze Thank...you (collapses on the floor)  
Q- Whoops... oh well... dum dee dum dee dum... (walks away whistling into Make up)  
S- (runs over scattily) What's happened to my Xander!  
C- You're little Quatty-watty that's what! Not so sweet and innocent now, is HE!  
S- It's only Duo, lighten up Caz!  
D- Hey!  
C- So what, he's a nice guy, and he's funny and sweet and...  
S- Oh no don't even go there...  
D- No, continue, I'm liking the sound of this!   
C- He's a nice person, and Quatre is being an absolute prat. Why don't you switch Quatre and Wu-fei 4 today, see how Quatre feels when he's been robbed of his job.  
S- One, Cazy babe, step away from the shinigami! And two, I can't switch them today.  
C- Why not? It would be healthy for Wu-fei to have a break from his precious Nataku.  
S- I have Wu-fei doing another little job for me. How about I switch Mark and Quatre?  
C- NO! It would be an insult to switch something so cute with Quatre! And it is ILLEGAL to put Mark in tweed!  
S- Oh dear god... look, I have no idea what's going on in that little twisted mind of yours, but Cruise boy would look fine in tweed, and besides, Giles does not have platinum blonde hair, so Mark would fit the role better.  
C- Fine! I really don't care. Right now, I have to go and log on to the system. (walks off in a huff)  
S- I wonder what that was all about? (helps Duo up)  
D- Thanks. (straightens his collar)  
S- What is it with my best friends and you, huh?  
D- I dunno, maybe I'm just irresistible!  
S- I sincerely doubt it. Now get going, I have an appointment! (Duo runs off to make up, Tasha runs off to Trailer)  
R- Finally! I thought you'd decided to leave me to rot!  
S- There was an incident on set.  
R- Like what?  
S- Attempted murder, I think, lots of tense rage. Everyone's on edge this morning, I wonder why?  
R- I aint got no clue! Anyway, Why have you invited me to the mobile a1 shrine?  
S- (blushes) It isn't a shrine... it's a temple, and anyway, I need to speak to you about your role in Kaja the Vampire slayer.  
R- (wells up) You're firing me, aren't you?  
S- No Ruth! Of course not! It's just, I want you to do something else for me today.  
R- Like what?  
S- Well I'm adding a scene to the script. I want you to play Syam Bailey for today.  
R- REALLY?!? WHAHOO!  
S- Not so loud! Anyway, here's the script, learn the lines, get into make up and I'll see you on set.  
R- Ciao beti! (winks and dashes off)  
S- Well at least someone is happy today...  
Cat- I'm not happy.  
S- My point exactly. Listen, I have to get into Make up, we'll speak later, k? (walks off)  
Cat- Oh sure, like in three years! (storms off to eat the end of Duo's braid.)  
  
Time passed, as it always does, and everyone is ready on set. Quatre (due to popular demand for being a snobby little bitch) has had a days worth of pay taken away, but he still has to work (it's in his contract so pleh) and everyone is ready to go on stage... but where's Wu-fei? ...*Devilish Grin*....  
  
W- THERE IS NO WAY I'M COMING OUT DRESSED LIKE THIS!  
S- Oh calm down Wu-fei, it's just a costume.  
R- And besides, you're in my dressing room. Why are you in there? What is in there that could possibly interest you... oh no... TASH! Get him out!  
S- Why?  
K- What's in there, eh Ruthy?  
R- (goes bright red) Err...  
L- snigger  
R- This isn't funny! Make him come out!  
S- What is in there! You tell me, and I'll make him come out in his underwear if I have to!  
D- Oh the mental pictures...  
K- Duo!  
H- Oh no, now I've got mental images... and I don't even have an imagination!  
K- H..., no DUO!  
S- Ruth, whisper it to me and I'll get him out.  
R- (furiously blushing) Well... (whispers. Tasha's eyes boggle)  
S- snigger You are kidding, right?  
R- Nope.  
S- You keep those in your room!?  
R- Well where else would I keep them?  
D- Up your ass...  
K- DUO! I am loving this yelling...  
S- snigger  
R- (blushing again) IT ISN'T FUNNY! NOW GET HIM OUT!  
S- Ok, Ok, keep your hair on Ruth! Or should I say underwear...  
R- SHUT UP!  
S- Ok, Ok, ooooo, what if he's going through your drawers and trying on your underwear?  
R- (goes white) WU-FEI! (bangs on door) IF YOU TOUCH ONE DAMN THING IN MY ROOM THEN I'LL PERSONALLY CASTRATE YOU!  
W- I'm not touching anything. Why would I want to, it's girly stuff.  
S- Remember our little chat this morning Woofy...  
W- SHUT UP!  
S- Come out then.  
W- No way!  
S-Come out NOW Wu-fei, before I get angry and make you play your part in your underwear!  
W- EEP!  
R- She will, you know?  
W- What if I come out in your underwear, huh? How about this spangly red number...  
R- EEP!!!!  
Cast- Hysterics  
R- I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH ANYTHING BOYO! YOUR BALLS ARE SO COMING OFF!  
W- I didn't touch IT or anything else! It's a bit hard to miss when it's draped over a chair! Hey, what are those holes for...  
R- NEVER YOU MIND! Now, please, GET OUT OF MY ROOM!  
W- No.  
R- No?  
W- No.  
R- No you are coming out or no you're not?  
W- No I'm not.  
R- Listen u bent little git, you get out of my room in the next 5 seconds or I'm breaking this door down and coming in there to get you!  
W- Fine, I'll come out, but everyone has to go into their dressing rooms apart from you and Tasha, OK?  
R- Why me?  
W- Coz I'm in your dressing room, ditz!  
R- glower  
S- Just do what he says guys.  
Cast- (go into dressing rooms)  
S- What now?  
W- Lock all the doors from the outside.  
R- WHYNESS!?  
W- BECAUSE I SAID SO! And, unless you want me to bring out the lovely spangly red number, you'll do what I ask. Leave my door unlocked.  
S- Done, now, what else?  
W- Tasha, go into your dressing room and lock the door from the inside.  
S- Fine, Ruth, you carry out his commands. Wink (pretends to walk away, when she is actually gone to get everyone out of their rooms)  
W- Ruth, I want you to open my door wide, k?  
R-... dunnit!  
W- Now, cover your eyes.  
R- Covered.  
W- Don't uncover them until I say, k?  
R- Sure thing, just get out already!  
W- NO PEEPING!  
R- Promise. Now, OUT!  
W- Fine... (Opens the door and gawks. The entire cast stares gawping at him.)  
Cast- hysterics  
W- I HATE YOU! (runs off in tears dressed like Faith from Buffy into his dressing room, but because he's crying so much, he runs into the wall and knocks himself out.)  
D- snigger Whoops!  
S- Wu-fei, are you all right?  
Q- He's unconscious! Oh no!  
K- He's also dressed like a girl!   
Cast (minus Q and S)- hysterics  
S- Grrrr... Come on Quatre, let's get him into his dressing room... this has not been a good day.  
  
  
And after a day of getting absolutely no work done, we must ask these questions:-  
What the hell is wrong with the cat?  
What are those holes for?  
Will anyone ever stop picking on Woofy, whoops, sorry I meant Wu-fei.  
Will the cast ever get any work done?   
And on Boxing day 2001 will Tasha still have a head?  
Find out the answers to most of those questions in the next fabulous episode of...  
  
KAJA THE VAMPIRE SLAYER!  



	4. Chapter 3- Why do I keep doing this to y...

W- OK, THAT IS IT! I am starting this pathetic little episode off because it always begun by those inferior women and female animals! (Cat glares) Oh, I'm so scared! (Cat scratches Wu-fei) Ow! Grr... (Wu-fei kicks cat) There. Now, what was I saying? Ah yes, the episode. Well, stupid Baka Onna (who I will insult no further coz she's paying me) is a prat and does bad bad things. But today, the main focus of humility is not on me, as it usually is, because this whole endeavour is INJUST! Anyway, you all better watch out, becoz when you fall down I will laugh and tread on your faces, you injust monsters of weakness! AHAHAHHA!  
  
KAJA THE VAMPIRE SLAYER  
And her slayerettes  
And the camera crew  
And the stage management team...  
AND THE CAT  
AND WUFEI!!!  
  
Quick run over of parts...  
  
K- KJ (Buffy)  
L- Tammy (Cordelia)  
R- Ruth (Syam Bailey in this chapter)  
S- Tasha (Willow pre gayness)  
D- Duo (Xander)  
H- Heero (Angel ps...HAHHAHAH)  
T- Trowa (Rilay!)  
Q- Quatre (Giles...so so sorry)  
B- Ben (Wesley...SOOOOOOO sorry)  
P- Paul (Spike...not sorry)  
  
W- Wu-fei (head Camera Person, and Faith snigger (W- INJUSTICE!!))  
C- Caz (Head of special effects and treasurer...she bought the damn spinny chairs)  
M- Mark (Coffee boy)  
I- Christian (Camera assistant)  
  
1)- Kerry (Stage Manager)  
2)- Steph (Professional Duo oogler...ehem I mean Wardrobe and Makeup!)  
3)- Sara (Lighting and sound director)  
  
Wu-fei still hasn't grown up. Caz has calmed down after revealing she and Ben (SATAN) had had an argument and they had now made up. We still don't know what the holes are for and we are still a blank as to what the hell is up with the cat! Anyway, we enter the scene and Kaja the Vampire Slayer headquarters as everyone is in makeup, apart from Quatre, Ben, Tasha, Heero and of course the camera crew and stage management team...  
  
B- What ya playing?  
Q- Oh, it's my favourite song! (Puts down his violin) It's called eternal wind. I think my nursemaid used to sing it to me... I can't remember... (Goes misty eyed)  
2)- What a POOF!  
S- (Punches Steph in the face) I think it's beautiful Quatre... but still, I'm sure I've heard it before...  
Q,S- Hmm...  
K- Quit it!  
Q- Sorry, anyway, can I get back to my playing?  
B- Hey, I can play the violin too! (Pulls violin out of those damned blue trousers (yes he's wearing them (why, we don't know)))  
Q- Great!  
B- I'd love to play along... but I guess there's only one violin part...  
Q- Yeah... but you can play along to the piano part if you'd like!  
B- Hey! (Puts Violin away) I can play the piano too! (Pulls out huge white grand piano (yes from the same place! He keeps heavy artillery in the other back pocket))  
Q- Great!  
Q,B- start playing the song again.  
H- That's a dumb song.  
S- Hey!  
H- Well it is! It's about as dumb as that song by that boy band...what was it called? Like a ...rose I think.  
K- HEY!!! (Pokes Heero repeatedly)  
H- Quit it, quit it, QUIT IT!  
S- Ben wrote that song!  
B- (Looks upset)  
H- Well it sucks!  
S- I bet you couldn't write anything that good at age 16!  
H- Actually...  
K- Oh no...  
H- I wrote a little something a while back, but it's probably not any good.  
Q,B- Let me see! (Look at each other, giggle)  
K,S- groan  
H- (Pull's piece of paper out of Spandex space)  
Q- Hey, this is pretty good.  
B- Very nice rhythm. I like it.  
Q- How about we play it?  
B- There's no piano part! Snivel  
Q- There's a rocking bass line though...  
H- You're not playing it.  
B- Actually... (Puts grand Piano away, pulls out huge full size drum kit) Taadaa!  
K- The question is, can you play it?  
H- (Looks pleadingly at KJ, then glares) He's not GOING to play it at all!  
S- (ignoring Heero) Of course he can play it, why else would he carry it around?  
B- Heh, sure I can... (Pulls out Rolex)  
All- Ooooo!  
B- (presses button. Everyone freezes. Starts learning drum kit like a sim. Learns drum kit. Sighs, stands up and presses another button. Time returns. (And you really believe he didn't go off exploring and messing around whilst it was stopped?!))  
S- Ew! (Slaps Heero as he hastily removes his hand from up her top, looking extremely bemused and beetroot coloured.)  
Q- choke (coughs in disbelief at where his hand is)  
K- QUATRE! (Slaps him)  
Q- I DID NOTHING! ...Ow... :"o  
H- 0_0...  
B- (Raises eyebrow) tut, teenagers these days, really can't control themselves... (Sniggers as he sees Wu-fei disgustedly prying his lips from the cat, who is scratching his face off, Caz in an embrace with the camera, Mark and Chris suddenly springing apart in horror at where their hands had just been, Sara holding a piece of paper saying "I HATE HAIRCUTS ON GUYS! I LOVE DUO!" and Kerry holding one saying "I HATE ROCK! BRING BACK LOLLY!" and Steph holding one saying "I WANT TO BE A NUN!". Screams can be heard clearly from wardrobe and makeup.) Erm... anyway, back to the song, sure I can play drums!  
S- Would you play them for me? (Flutters eyelashes)  
K- (wretches)  
B- Sure, Quat, if you pick up the violin line.  
H- (still beetroot) WHAT DID I JUST SAY? YOU ARE SOOOOOO NOT PLAYING MY SONG!  
B- Sure Heero, erm by the way, what's it called, and what letter is this chord?  
H- groan The chords C major, and the song is called 'The Wings of The Boy Who Killed Adolesence'...  
K- Catchy title, and it soooo suits you, killer man!  
H- (goes to pull out gun, but thinks better of it) I'll pretend you didn't say that...  
K- Sure whatever Killer man.  
S- KJ, kill the teasing.  
K- He's the killer man, snigger, ask him to kill it.  
H- (storms off)  
K- hysterics  
S- You are so immature.  
Q- So what's on the cards for today?  
S- I have something in mind... HAHHAHAAHHAHAH!  
K- gulp  
B- *goes off into day dream about hot scenes between willow and Wesley (ktvs stylee of course))  
S- Ben! Snap out of it!  
B- Whadda?  
Q- I told him not to drink that vodka...  
  
Well, Ladies and gents, this being an extended chapter, which will probably be longer than the usual 7 pages, because I intend to do two scenes, and we've already used up at least 3, we better get on with the show. Let's set the scene in the meeting area. Everyone is gathered in a congregation, Tasha, floating so all can see her. The stage managers are busying themselves with set and the camera and coffee crew are spinning on the spinny chairs...  
  
S- Hey everybody!  
All- Hi Doctor Nick!  
S- Haha very funny!  
1)- Hey! There's a drum kit in the way of bookcase number 4-0!  
B- Whoops! (Shoves drum kit into his pocket)  
D- How...  
T- Don't ask.  
S- Anyway, people, as we've wasted about a week on set due to various cast members... (Mutual glaring at Wu-fei, Duo, Quatre, Mark and Christian. God, it's something about the gender, ain't it?) I want to get two scenes done today, so we might run over time.  
D- Oh man! I'm gonna miss sailor moon! She is so hot...  
R- She has huge eyes!  
D- Exactly! Ever wondered why none of you 3D people ever get a date?  
All (apart from anime)- glare  
W- Nice going Duo.  
T- I thought when we said stuff at that meeting it never left the room!  
Q- (vanishes into dressing room)  
S- Anyway... (Still glaring at Duo) today we are going to cover scene B2, scene A4, and hopefully scene C2.  
D- You actually think we are gonna get all that done in seven pages of type?  
S- We can damn well try!  
Q- Erm, I don't seem to have scene C2...  
S- That's coz I just wrote it... HAHHAA! (Shudder from cast and crew)  
D- Oh no, what's she gone and done now?  
K- blanches white (she's just read scene A4)  
H- blanches white (he's just read scene A4)  
D- eyes boggle (he's just read scene A4) HAHAHAHAHAHA!  
H- I.. er...erm...  
K- That's it! I QUIT RIGHT NOW!  
S- Oh no u don't. Look at the contract.  
K- looks BUT I DIDN'T KNOW BACK THEN WHO WAS WHO!  
S- Look, we are doing the scene, OK?  
H- choke wheeze  
Q- Heero, breathe  
B- This is not gonna look good in the rehearsal diary...  
H- collapses  
D- Heero NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
All- give strange looks  
2)- Twas me I tell you, me! HA HA! HA HA! You will all be my minions before the day is out! HA HA! HA! HA HA! Evil Lord Faith Strikes again!  
W- What ever you say, Elfy.  
2)- HEY!  
K- NO ONE CARES ABOUT MEEEE! (Runs off in fit of tears)  
S- Well that was original!  
  
SCENE 1- Scene A4  
  
W- Five four three two one, Marker!  
K- I'm not going on.  
H- (Twiddles thumbs centre stage)  
S- HEERO! Practise the Tai Chi!  
H- NO! (Voice breaks)  
D- HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA  
R- LEAVE HIM ALONE! ARGH! (Dives on Duo) Actually, you ought to do this more often so I can jump on you!  
2)- GET OFF OF HIM! (Pulls Ruthy off. Game of slapsies commences)  
D- Why does everyone love me?  
3)- Well, because those two are entirely demented, I'd have to say the hair. (Slaps high five with Wu-fei)  
D- HEY!  
S- Heero, do the Tai Chi. (despairingly)  
H- No. (folds arms across chest and pouts)  
S- That's it! Heero, get off my stage now! Wu-fei you're on!  
W- Me?  
K- TASHA NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Runs away screaming)  
S- GRRRRRR!  
Q- Whoah, look at her temples...  
T- I think she's gonna explode.  
P- Ben, you have to save the day!  
B- But why?  
P- Because your Ben, and everyone either wants you to save the day, or f off and die a painful gruesome death.  
B- Ah, I see. How can I save the day though? All I have is a grand Piano and a rather convenient drum kit!  
P- Use the...  
B- Use the force? Are you mad man? Last time I did that look what happened to that chemical factory in france!  
P- NO! Use the forks!  
B- Forks? But for what?  
P- Just go!  
B- (Snatches up two forks from the munchies bar. He throws one at Tasha.)  
T- (turns round, about to explode) WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW!  
B- errrrrrrrrrrrrm............ (Runs over and hugs Tasha)  
C- And once again, the day is saved, thanks to Ben Adams!  
I- Dude, I didn't know you were the announcer for the power puff girls?  
C- Well, only on my days off (drops the voice) Ok, back now.  
S- Can we cut please?  
W- I guessed that...  
  
Scene 1 A4... again  
  
S- Ok, now that we've revised the scene, can we please get on with this before if gets to fourteen bloody pages!  
M- Do you still REALLY think we're gonna get everything done in 7 pages?  
Cat- I don't.  
S- Me neither. We're gonna give it a go for this scene, and maybe another one, but I doubt more than that.  
W- Can we please get rolling as we have now hit 7 pages?  
S- Yes, OK, OK. Heero, remember the Tai chi. KJ, you start on scene, Got it?  
H- STOP!  
S- grrrr what now?  
H- I think I need bigger shoes. I'm supposed to be taller than KJ, aren't I?  
D- snigger  
S- I have a plan... (Wrings hands)  
.......................................  
D- This is so not fair!  
H- I actually think it's quite good. (Stamps on Duo's back as he climbs up)  
D- OWCHNESS!!!  
S- snigger  
K- Can we just get this over and done with?  
W- Take 2, five four three two one, marker!  
H,K- (begin doing Tai chi exercisy thingies. The begin to turn to do the second wave when...)  
D- ARGH HE'S TREADING ON MY BRAID!  
S- SHUT UP! (Throws script at him)  
D- Owwy! Snivel  
H,K- (finish thingies. Sara turns off dodgy music and turns on other dodgier music)  
K- Thanks Angel.  
H- No sweat.  
K- erm...  
S- (whispering) the dodgy line, the dodgy line!  
K- Oh, yeah! When shall I come over again?  
H- (rolls eyes) Whenever you need me  
D- AHHAHAHAHAHAH mmmmmffmfmfmfmff! (Tasha stuffs socks in his mouth)  
K- Angel I... lameness....  
H- Shhh, you don't need to say anything. Please don't say anything, you'll only make things worse.  
K- But I have to say something; things can't go on this way! I'm going to castrate someone for this  
H- Shh... (Puts finger in front of her mouth)... me too  
K- Angel... (Two move closer together, lights fade).  
W- And cut.  
S- YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! WE ACTUALLY DID A SCENE!  
D- mmgfmmfmfmfmfmmfm!  
W- I don't dare say anything now... DAMNIT!  
S- Why, what's the matter?  
W- look... at the... page count...  
S- OH NO! The horror!  
D- Still, we did get the scene finished inside the 7 pages.  
T- True, we did. I think we all deserve a holiday.  
D- Or my rendition of 'I'm to sexy'!  
All- NO!  
K- I didn't have to touch Heero!  
H- I got to tread on Duo!  
K,H- YAY!  
Cat- I'm still not happy.  
S- What's wrong with you now?  
Cat- You really want to know?  
S- Yes actually, I do! I mean, you share your bed with someone but you can't share your secrets sob  
R- Tasha, (pops head out Quatre's dressing room (I'm going to kill her)) do you have any idea how gay that sounded?  
S- Probably, why?  
R- Good, Ok, busy now! (Dives back inside (so killing her))  
Cat- Ok, I'll tell you. Its... its baby Nataku!  
W- PLEASE, DON'T MENTION THE NAME!  
S- What's wrong with...  
W-NOT THE NAME! Sob   
Cat- It's gone! Sob  
Q- (pops head out of dressing room) Can we please stop the sobbing, it's doing my head in!  
S- What happened to it?  
Cat- One of the evil dogs that we're in the episode of GDW where the guys were on the beach and there was a pineapple and Quatre was being depressed and then he did gay running!  
Q- (muffled) HEY!  
S- oh I remember those, the evil guard dogs!  
Cat- Uhuh snivel  
H- This what you're looking for? (Pulls dog out of Ben's back pocket)  
B- What's that doing in there? I sure hope it didn't chew on the nuke.  
S- (snatches doll and hands it to cat)  
Cat- (see first chapter, Paul and Mr Monkey? This is worse. Much worse) Thankyou so much! Aww poor baby Nataku... I'll take you back to beddy byes yes I will! (Scampers off to Tasha's trailer.)  
L- I've got a question Wu-man. Why the heck did you have an Amazing Aly doll in the first place?  
W- (flushing red) ME! A girls doll? PERLEASE! I never owned that!... (sidles away) now if you'll excuse me, the cat owes me money... (Runs off after cat)  
S- Oh dear...  
  
Oh dear lord we've run onto a ninth page!  
Now, ehem, after a very successful day of solving problems AND (however amazingly) getting work done, we are left with only a few short questions!  
Why oh why did Wu-fei ever even want to own an Amazing Aly doll?  
How does Ben fit all that in his back pockets and where did he get that Rolex?  
Why is everyone attracted to Duo?  
What the heck were Quatre and Ruth doing in his dressing room and did it include the red spangly number?  
And finally, Really what are those holes for?  
Maybe Quatre will be able to tell us some of these answers in the next hopefully 7 pages long edition of our fantastic behind the scenes series...  
  
KAJA THE VAMPIRE SLAYER!!!!!!!  



	5. Chapter 4- Oo! Matron and a bucket of cu...

Cat- WUFEI! GIVE ME THE MICROPHONE! Thank you. Anyway, Kaja fans, after our prolonged absence, the KTVS team are back in business! Maybe today we will gain some of those answers we are dying to know... or possibly not. Anyway, today a new scene is threatened and another attempted. How will our merry bunch of imbeciles handle this one? And I still say I should have my own show. Anyway, enjoy! Baby Nataku, say hello to all the nice viewers...  
  
KAJA THE VAMPIRE SLAYER  
And her slayerettes  
And the camera crew  
And the stage management team...  
AND THE CAT  
AND WUFEI!!!  
And Baby Nataku  
  
Quick run over of parts...  
  
K- KJ (Buffy)  
L- Tammy (Cordelia)  
R- Ruth (Syam Bailey in this chapter)  
S- Tasha (Willow pre gayness)  
D- Duo (Xander)  
H- Heero (Angel ps...HAHHAHAH)  
T- Trowa (Rilay!)  
Q- Quatre (Giles...so so sorry)  
B- Ben (Wesley*snivel*)  
P- Paul (Spike*mwhahahaha*)  
W- Wu-fei (head Camera Person, and Faith snigger (W- INJUSTICE!!))  
C- Caz (Head of special effects and treasurer...she bought the damn spinny chairs)  
M- Mark (Coffee boy)  
I- Christian (Camera assistant)  
1)- Kerry (Stage Manager)  
2)- Steph (Professional Duo oogler...ehem I mean Wardrobe and Makeup!)  
3)- Sara (Lighting and sound director)  
and...  
Cat- Cat (evil vampire)  
BN- Baby Nataku (W-NOT THE NAME!!) (evil voodoo doll)  
  
Now we've spent an entire page of introductions, maybe we should get on with the show. The curtains open on an empty set. Duo is wandering around aimlessly with a packet of Maryland cookies. Ruth it sitting on a prop table hurriedly sewing something strangely Red and spangly and Wu-fei is polishing the camera, again.  
  
2)- (from off set) NEXT!  
W- (throws down cloth in fury) Fine! (Storms off set glaring at Duo.)  
D- Doo doo doodoo! Doo doo doodoo! Doo da da doo doo doo-doo doo doo dooooooooo! (His mouth is full of biscuits)  
R- Duo, shut up! I'm trying to concentrate, OW! (Pricks herself with needle) Damnit!  
D- Hey! (Swallows biscuit) Could you like, say that over and over again in a Wu-fei voice?  
R- Like this? (play wu-fei DAMNIT! .wav)   
D- Yeah!  
R- No.  
D- OHHHH! PWEEEEEEEEEZE!  
R- Oh all right... (play the wuman .wav x3)  
S- (enters. Crowd goes wild) Hey, can you guys keep your little sex talk down; I've got a splitting headache.  
Crowd- giggles  
D- Sure Tasha, but since when did we have a live audience?  
S- Since now. They arrived this morning to watch the Frank Skinner show, but they got the wrong set, so they decided to watch our show instead.  
D- Bitchin'...  
S- (looking at Ruth) Hey Ruthy, whatcha sewing up?  
R- (goes the same colour as the spangly red number) Leave me alone! (Runs into dressing room)  
S- snigger Ah silly silly Rufus. (Sits down. Duo sits down beside her)  
D- Are you ever gonna let her off for the whole Quatre dressing room thing?  
Crowd- OOOOOOOOOOO!  
S- Come to think of it, No.  
D- According to...  
D,S- Dunna Dunna Dunna Dunna QUAT-MAN!  
D-... she was just helping him tune his violin.  
S- Duo.  
D- Yes?  
S- Could you hear any violin sounds coming from the room?  
D- No.  
S- Exactly. Tell me what you could hear.  
D- A squeaky mattress, two wingless bats playing snooker and a dancing tea set.  
S- Right Duo. Now tell me, how many of those little white pills had you taken when you heard that.  
D- The same number that I've taken this morning, Tasha. (Looks at Audience)  
S- And how many is that Duo? (Looks at audience)  
D- 62 (passes out on the floor)  
Crowd- (goes wild)  
S- (walks off set. Enter Ben, Trowa and Heero from stage door)  
T- I honestly didn't know you could consume that much alcohol and stay sober!  
H- Yes Trowa, and three centilitres is deadly in most people! (spams himself)  
B- Trow-man, you need to lighten up. Hey Hee-man, why didn't I see you drinking last night at the bar?  
H- I try not to cloud my mind with such things.  
B- Re he hearly? Are you sure you weren't eyeing up the dancer?  
H- (goes red) Absolutely positive. (pulls bottle of water from spandex space and begins to drink it.)  
B- (aside to Trowa) Hey man, did you spike the drink?  
T- Yup, I put the whole thing in, just like you said.  
B- No dummy! I said half, not the entire thing! God he's gonna be pissed until the cows come home!  
P- HEY EVERYBODY! (Crowd goes insane as Paul enters from stage door. Throws arm round Ben's shoulders) How are my main men this morning?  
T- Surprisingly without a hangover, thank you. (Ben spams himself)  
P- Riiiiiiight. (sidles away from Trowa) Anyway, has any one seen the laydays this morning, I'm feeling like some fuuuuun.  
B- Oh god, Paul's been watching Mark's Barry White vid again!  
P- No, Prince.  
B- .........  
H- splutter god, maybe I should change my shorts, this water is gross. ARGH! MY THROAT! (throws bottle on the floor and runs off set into dressing room breathing fire. Trowa picks up bottle)  
T- Looks like he downed it.  
B- Looks like we're screwed.  
P- Oh Poobo.  
B- Poobo?  
P- Never mind. Looooong story.  
B- I like long stories.  
P- This is an unexplainable long story which I dunno.  
B- Oh... then why did you say it was a long story if you didn't know how it happened?  
T- QUIT IT QUIT IT QUIT IT!  
L- Oh the Dejavou! (Crowd goes wild)  
P,B- HIYAR TAMINATOR!  
L- ARGH!!!!!!!!! Attacks Ben and Paul with a chain saw and chases them off set. (Trowa walks over to stoned Duo and begin tapping him with his foot. Enter Caz, Mark, Chris and the Cat (and of course BN) with hot chocolate (and hot cat food...))  
C- DUO! (shrieks and runs over, knocking Trowa flying)  
Cat- Well that was predictable...  
BN- Beefcake...  
M- Man, it's not fair, why is everyone in love with the 2d's man?  
I- I dunno, man, but like, man, if we ironed ourselves, man, maybe they'd like us too, man!  
M- Sweet Man! I've got an iron, man, in my room, man.  
I- Man, lets do, man, it, man!  
M- Man!  
I- Man Man! (M&I exit into M's dressing room. Sizzling and burning is heard.)  
Cat- (raises eyebrow) Riiiiiiiight. Come on Baby N, we've gotta change your diaper and put you to bed before Tasha gets here. (Drags doll off by its hair.)  
BN- Eyebrows... (Enter KJ, Quatre and Kerry. Sara enters from other side of set to woops and cheers from crowd. Sara starts making out with her nick carter doll)  
K- SCREWY!  
Q- Hey, Duo's dead. Can I have Deathscythe?  
1)- Riiiight. Dude, you are clear on the fact that that is a DOLL right?  
3)- How dare you insult my little Nicky Nocky Noodles! Of course he's real.  
Q- Gimme... Deathscythe!  
K- That's more f'd up than Tasha's Chem. folder... shudder  
Q- Quiero MuerteGuadaña!  
K- Tienes ArenaRoca! Silencio Por favor!  
Q- Quiero MerteGuadaña!   
K- SILENCIO!  
Q- VETE A LA MIERD...  
T- Me duele la Cabeza! SILENCIO!   
K,Q- fall silent  
T- Sentaous.  
K,Q- sit  
T- Bueno. (Leaves set again)  
K,Q- glare (Enter Ruth from dressing room, dressed in Heero clothes.)  
R- How do I look? I thought I'd freak Heero out.  
Q- eyes boggle  
D- has fit and yells bollocks  
K- Ruthy... all I can say is... damn.  
R- pouts You don't like it...  
K- Of course I damn well don't! You look like spandex boy with tits!  
Q- hysterics  
K- What's so damn funny?  
Q- I have a mental image of Heero waking up with tits! (Falls silent. Collapses on floor in hysterics again.)  
R- What's so funny now, Quat?  
Q- I... have... mental... images... of...  
K- Of what, Quat-man?  
Q- Of...  
R- Spit it out...  
Q- breathe WU-MAN WAKING UP WITH TITS!  
Cast- (falls silent. Hysterics)  
W- WILL MY TORMENT NEVER END!!!???  
Crowd- hysterics  
W- grrr... (storms into dressing room dressed like faith minus the tits (he has to fix his bra and socks later...))  
  
Later...  
  
S- Ok everyone, you've all read scene b2178256372638467203847654058348238748738393849384584848 I take it?  
Cast- eyes boggle  
Cat- Can't you give it a shorter name. I've decided to take lessons from Milo and Mr Fish and become a goldfish. I only have a five second memory span, I only have a five second memory span, I only have a five second memory span, I only have a five second memory span, I only have a five second memory span, I only have a five second memory span.....................  
BN- Underpants...  
Quatre- sidles away  
S- Anyway, I want everyone ready as soon as poss. I know some of us are already ready, (looks at Wu-fei who is reapplying plum lip stick in a handbag mirror) so the rest of you get moving!  
Cast- (scurries away)  
S- (looks around, sneaks over to wu-fei) May I just say that you look so great in that.  
W- glare You know I'm only doing this for one reason, right?  
S- Damn, I told Ruthy that I didn't need her help to get you to behave, but would she listen? No!  
W- (flushes pink) Damnit! I am not sleeping with your friend! I am only doing this for the money. Sleeping with people is weak.  
Q- No its not.  
W- How the heck would you know? Your dick's still got the shrink wrap on!  
Q- How the heck would you know?  
W- flush Just go will you? Anyway, I need that money for some new polishing equipment. Someone put a huge great hole through my polishing cloth and tipped all my polish away!  
Q- Well considering you spend all your time polishing Nataku or Nataku or... Nataku... or Nataku... or... I'm beginning to see a pattern in your pet names. Anyway, you spend all your time polishing stuff, no wonder your stuff runs out and your, ehem, 'Luxury Polishing Cloth; For those special items' got worn out!  
W- Shut up, Winner.  
Q- I'm still wondering why the sell polishing equipment in that Porn shop down the street...  
W- ?!?!?!  
S- snigger  
W- Shut up Winner, or I'll kick you out!  
Q- Oh really, Waffles, I think you're forgetting something.  
W- What?  
Q- I pay the rent.  
W- Oh yeah... well, I'll steal your wallet and kick you out so pleh! I'm not thick you know!  
Q- rolls eyes  
S- You two live together? (dodgy looks)  
W- You live with the damn cat! That doesn't make you a lesbo!  
Q- Or an Animal shagger...  
W- Besides, you've seen where we live, remember?  
S- Oh yeah! I remember. Damn, I thought that was one of your bachelor pads.  
W- We are 16 years old and sinless! We don't need shoddy little bachelor pads!  
Q- Sinless... yeah right...  
W- Well of course you are, Gabriel.  
Q- It's Quatre! And why's that?  
W- Whatever Gabriel, and as I said before, shrink-wrap?  
Q- Loser... (wanders off)  
S- (raises eyebrow) Marital Issues, Wuffy?  
W- Don't call me that in public! And no, I'm not married to him, divvy!  
S- It was a joke, you freak! Geez... (walks off into dressing room to get ready.)  
W- shrug  
  
Scene 1-  
  
W- if you dare break Nataku, I'll kill you with my bare hands!  
M- I'd like to see you try, Wu-man, I mean, WO-man! Ha!  
W- Why you... (dives at Mark)  
C- (holding Wu-fei back) Now now gentlemen, lets be civil, please!  
S- Can we have Duo, Wuffles, Quat, KJ, Tammy, Ben and, erm, well me, on stage please?   
D- Do we really have to get to work, Tasha? I mean, we are already on the 7th page!  
S- So we'll overrun! Does it really look like I care?  
L- Aiyee! (Topples over in platform shoes).   
W- (Glares up at Mark, straightens skirt and clacks off onto stage)  
S- We all here then? Good. Duo, sit there, feet up on desk. Tam, stand beside. Duo, arm round Tam please.  
L- Oh no way! (Goes a very strange shade of green and backs away)  
H- hey! That's the colour my hair is in Manga! Hic hehehehehee! (Staggers onto stage and knocks over the camera. It breaks.)  
W- ARGH!!!!!!!!! (Bursts into tears and sinks to floor)  
H- Whoopsie... oh well! (Begins pirouetting across... snigger... across... snigger...ac...ac hahahahahaha! (Sorry, but you try imagining Heero drunk and pirouetting!))  
Crowd- hysterics  
S- Come on Wu-man, your mascara will run... (Tries to help him up)  
W- No... it won't... snuffle... I used the waterproof one.... Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!  
D- Oh Wu, grow up...  
W- glare how would you feel if your one love in this miserable life had been dashed and destroyed before you? Oh, rip out my eyes!  
D- Ok...  
S- No! Look, Wu-fei, we'll get you a new camera, k babe?  
W- It just won't be the same...  
D- (aside to Q) Why is he getting so worked up over a camera, an inanimate object? I wish I could understand...  
Q- (devilish grin) I can help you out with that one...  
D- Really?  
Q- Yeah. When we go out to go home this evening, I'll key Deathscythe for you.  
D- (drops to knees and tugs on Quatre's trousers) Please, I'm begging you, anything but that!  
Q- Or I'll spray paint an angel on it...  
D- I'm begging! Please no!  
Q- Or maybe I'll just paint one of Dorothy's ever so unique eyebrows on it, right above the eye...  
D- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (runs off set, or at least goes to)  
S- NO BODY MOVE OR I'LL CASTRATE YOU ALL!  
R- Erm, Tasha...  
S- glare AND IF YOU'RE A GIRL, I'LL ADD AN APPENDAGE!  
All- (freeze up)  
S- Thank you. Now, Wu, I'll get someone to fix Nataku. Quatre, keys, now. Heero, get off my set!  
H- Foine, ya big meany! (Storms off out of the entrance)  
D- NOOOOOOO! HE'LL KEY DEATHSCYTHE!  
S- spams self Heero, go in dressing room and iron yourself.  
H- IRON!!!!!!!!!!! (runs back into dressing room)  
S- Now. I'm gonna organise my scene and get it filmed and then I want a full explaination. And if I don't get one, no one goes home, no one sleeps and NOONE gets paid! Got it?  
All- Groan  
Crowd- OOOOO!  
S- Oh go shag the refreshments counter guy! (Crowd look at each other, and swiftly leave)  
D- That is not gonna feel pleasant in the morning...  
S- Can we just get on with this? Growl  
D- gulp of course we can, you highnessness!  
S- Right. Duo, Tam, in places please.   
D,L- (pout, then resume places)  
L- Right, just don't touch me, K?  
D- Then how the heck am I supposed to put my arm around you and not touch you?  
L- Well, pull your sleeve down then!  
D- I'm wearing a vest! You pull your top down!  
L- I can't! Look at top, too short! ... on second thoughts, avert your eyes!  
D- blush Averting!  
S- rolls eyes Next, Ben and Quatre  
B,Q- reporting for duty! (look at each other) giggle  
S- spam!!! You two go up and fiddle with bookcases.  
B- Rightyo! (runs off and immerses himself in the a1 tour book)  
Q- (goes to run off) hey, my jacket feels funny... (turns around and gawks at huge iron shaped burn hole)  
K- HAHAHHAHAH ARGH! (falls off stage in hysterics)  
S- SPAM!! (through gritted teeth) Next... I want KJ... glare and Wu-fei leaning on the right hand stairs.  
K- Just... coming...  
W- *sniff* Oh acting a female part withers me no longer. Disgrace to the glorious Dragon Clan is of the essence, but it does not matter, for the great Nataku has fallen... sigh  
Q- Hey, Wu, if you remember, Nataku is still in the parking lot, standing right on Deathscythe's foot!  
D- ARGH! The paint work!  
W- Teehee oh yeah. Happy now. No, not happy! Playing woman! Must pout and be difficult... (pouts and is difficult)  
S- Lean against the damn banisters!  
W- Fine! But I sure as hell want a bonus.  
D- I'm the one who needs a bonus! All this undue stress is making my hair fall out!  
Crowd- snigger  
Q- Hey, when did they get back?  
S- I guess it got crowded at the refreshments stand. Oh well. Now, me... where do I place me? I know, reading book at desk... book on... vampires! Oh I am so good!  
Cast/Crowd- sweatdrop  
M- Ok, I've got the handheld camera. Ok, erm... (looks at fingers) Five... four... th th threeeee, t t twooo, one! Ok, marker!  
D- Hey scoobsters, we got anything yet?  
Q- Ehem, nothing as of yet Xander, but we have only been looking for five minutes.  
B- Six actually.  
Q- Oh do shut up!  
K- Wow, watcher bitching. Now that's scary.  
L- Like, erm, where's my nail file?  
W- thinking Now this is my big line, don't screw it up! I borrowed it. Hope ya don't mind, Cord.  
L- Like, you could have asked, damn!  
W- And have to listen to the 16 reasons of no again, yeah right!  
Cast- gawp at Wu-fei  
S- whisper keep it going! Grrr  
L- Look, I don't need this. Xander baby, see you later, k?  
D- Sure.  
L- (looks disgusted, pauses, pats Duo on the head and walks off set)  
D- shrug (walks to base of stairs)  
K- You found anything yet?  
S- Um, no, but I can keep looking, if ya like?  
K- Thanx Will. Hey Wesley, did you find anything yet?  
B- Well, not really (Ben walks to top of stairs) I did find the most interesting little fact on... wragh! (Slips and topples down the stairs)  
S- BEN! Gasp  
K- snigger  
S- (slaps KJ) Ben, are you OK?  
B- Yeah, I'm OK, Duo broke my fall. (Gets up off squishded Duo)  
D- Aiyyyyyeeeeeyeeeeeeeeeeeyeeeeeeeee... (Blacks out again)  
Q- Owtsies, Poor Duo-Chan!  
S- Can we cut please?  
  
Oh dear folks, we've run over again! Well, to round off another damn well extended episode of KTVS, we have a few questions.  
WHAT THE HECK WERE QUATRE AND RUTH DOING! *pant* *pant*  
What are in those little white pills and can I have some?  
Will Heero ever sober up and do we really want him to?  
Why couldn't the audience find the Frank Skinner show? There IS a big sign on the great big gold door ya know!  
How is the refreshment guy's counselling going?  
Why do we have to put up with such useless characters on this set as Baby Nataku (BN- UNDERPANTS!) and Sara?  
Is Tasha ever gonna sum this up and actually make something of this?  
Are the team ever gonna get it right?  
AAAAAAND  
What the heck is up with the red spangly number!  
Maybe some, maybe all the answers to the previous questions will be answered or hinted at in the next fabulous episode of...  
KAJA THE VUMPIRE SLAYER!  
Brought to you today by- Kendra 


	6. Chapter 5- *ALL HALLOWS EVE ON SET!*

OK, I don't usually do disclaimers or authory bits at the beginning, but today I feel I have to. Please do not attempt anything done in this episode at home, it could have nasty consequences. Also, miracle grow is not for people, it is for plants. I do not own Gundam Wing or A1, or really A2 either. All I own is my a1 cds and posters, My Gundam Wing 'Battlefield of Pacifists' manga and my friends, well friendship. I also own the cat. I do not own an amazing ally doll, so I don't know what they are really like, but BN is my personal point of view. Thar you go. Now, enjoy, or die... mwhahahahaaha!   
  
  
KAJA THE VAMPIRE SLAYER!  
SPECIAL HALLOWEEN EDITION  
  
Oh looky! It's that special time of year when the ghosties and ghoulies (and vampies) come out to play! And that's no exception for our little cast and crew of nasties. Halloween has come to visit the set, and everyone is on their hols...  
  
(Duo enters on black and silver crutches from entrance right centre. No audience is present. He has his scythe slung over his back and his hair is barely tied up. He looks miserable. Tables of Halloween costumes surround Steph.)  
2)- Hiya Duo-Chan, how are you feeling? (Duo doesn't answer) Come over here and tell me about it. You look so sad, it's making me upset.  
D- I would love to come over there, but it hurts to move, bruised back and broken leg and all...  
2) Aww baby! We must plot to kill Ben!  
(Enter Heero, Quatre, Ben and Paul ie der lads from stage door, spinning car or gundams keys, cept Heero who is still pissed)  
Q- Heya Duo (slaps him on the back)  
B- Hi D, my man (slaps him on the back) soz about the stairs.  
P- Whassup D?  
H- Hehehehehee! (cocks his head at Duo and pushes Duo (who is paralysed in pain) off the stage) Bye Bye Duo-man! Go fly! HAHHAH! (runs off towards dressing room (and iron))  
Q- HEERO! That wasn't very nice!  
B- Don't blame him, blame Trowa and the alcohol.  
Q- Trowa? Alcohol! Since when does Trowa even know what alcohol is?  
B- Since...  
P- Don't even go there man.  
2)- Hey, Quat, ya big homo, they meant he went out and got Frisky!  
Q- I'm not gay! And besides, what's frisky? Why does Trowa and you lot get to get frisky and I don't?  
B- evil grin well Quat, my man, if ya wanna get Frisky you can come out with us tomorrow.  
P- Please Ben, the guys a total wet blanket! He couldn't get frisky if he tried.  
Q- I can get Frisky! I can! What's frisky?  
W- (entering from dressing room, wiping lip stick off cheek) No ya can't, Gabriel, remember, shrink wrap?  
Q- blush&glare  
B- Ah Wu, don't be so mean.  
P- Yeah, Fishy-boy, some of us just are late starters.  
Q- BLUSHBLUSHBLUSH I AM 16 F***KING YEARS OLD! I AM NOT A LATE STARTER!  
B- Sure you are. I haven't been a virgin for 6, maybe 7 years.  
P- REALLY? Damn Ben, you were quick!  
B- Yep, sure was. looks proud  
W- Being a slag like yourself is nothing to be proud of.  
B- GLARE!  
P- Hey Wu, what's this? (yanks something scaringly red and spangly from Wu's back trouser pocket (he's wearing black jeans))  
Everyone (apart from Duo) -*GASP*  
W- Oh no... (It is the red spangly number. Some of the previously sewed up holes are now torn open and Wu-fei's face is identical in colour. Ruth sneaks out of Wu-fei's dressing room, and tries to sneak back into her own room, until a gawping cast spots her. Tasha (N) exits dressing room and identifies scene.  
N- RUTHY! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
W- Busted...  
R- SHIT!  
D- (weakly as he crawls back onto stage) Ruth, I thought I was the only one!  
H- (grabs Ruthy from behind and starts kissing her neck) NOOOOOOOO! That would be meeeeeeeeeeeee!  
R- Get off me, you drunken slag! (Heero looks offended and declines)  
W- It's not what you think!  
Q- What, she wasn't ironing your clothes too?  
Cast- SPAM!!  
W- No, actually she wasn't.  
R- Oh Wu, look what you did to it! (snatches red spangly number (which I can now reveal looks a bit like a skimpy leotard with a little frilly skirt- basically a tarted up cathrinesque outfit to anyone who's not following) and pulls it about, pouting at the ruined sewing (did I mention its elasticised?) All that sewing put to waste...  
N- Ruthy, I specifically told you not to do this!  
T- To do what? (sees red spangly number) oh, that. K, following now.  
R- I know, but it was too tempting!  
K- How... can... no, must not enquire! OH THE IMAGES!  
D- *grin* Aren't they good?  
K- SHUT UP DUO!  
D- Hey, leave the invalid alone!  
B- Ruth, if you were gonna exercise that thing, you could have at least helped Paul out by getting rid of all that sexual tension.  
R- Hey, I don't do the sexually tense. I can't stand all the Cumming everywhere.  
N- OHHHHHHH! (looks green)  
R- I do the sexually inexperienced, just to satisfy my needs.  
N- (Dashing over and hugging Quatre) You didn't...  
R- Course not! I couldn't bring myself to do it. I ironed his clothes, he taught me sum violin and then we made out.  
N- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (hugging Quatre tighter)  
Q- I... can't... breathe!  
B- I have a question, Ru.  
R- Sure. If it's about Trowa-chan, I ain't done him or am gonna do him. I'm scared about painful hair poking in eye situations.  
T- pout  
B- Nah, I'm just wondering, what are those holes for?  
Cast- gasp  
R- Oh, that! Oh they were moths. And besides, I went out one night and did an acid demon, damn that was fun, and well, most of those holes were him. God, he was like a paint spray!  
K- RUTHY STOP IT!  
N- (collapses in sobs) I wanna go home!  
Cat- You can't, it's your set.  
N- LEAVE ME ALONE! WAAAAAAAA!  
R- Sozdee Tasha. Anyway. Now that everything's cleared up...  
B- I'm still unsure why you have only done Heero, Duo and wu-fei and made out with Quatre and not us real people, ie not anime ie gorgeous pop stars with millions of fans across Japan, England, Asia, Europe and Australasia!  
R- Coz... well, I wasn't told not to do you, so it didn't seem like a challenge.  
N- You do realise if you had touched Ben I would have cried and hit you and got very upset and disowned you?  
R- Yar. But you wouldn't have been pissed off.  
N- No, just hurt.  
M- Hey man! We have arrived!  
I- And, like, Dude! We brought beer!  
M- Well, like, shandy, anyway.  
I- Erm... yeah... shandy dudes... without the beer.  
B- So you brought lemonade?  
I- Erm, yeah.  
B- I give up with you.  
C- Why did you call us in on our day off? (enters with Sara, Tammy and Kerry)  
N- Hey, it's Halloween! I thought we should do something fun!  
R- I WAS doing something fun until u interrupted me!  
N- Oh shut up. Anyway, I thought as we are bonding as a cast now sob we should do more together. And since we have the day off...  
D- Thankyou to me!  
B- No, I crushed you, thank me!  
N- ... we can go out trick or treating and generally merry making.  
L- You mean, Take KTVS off the set?  
Cast- gasp  
N- Yes Tamantha, I do.  
L- Do not compare me to that blonde bimbo bitch transsexual transvestite from stargate.  
N- Foooiiiiiiiiine! Be stressy! Anyway, dontcha guys think it will be fun?  
K- COOLI!  
R- Sugar...  
L- Can I dress up?  
1),2),3)- YAY!  
B- I dunno...  
P- Yeah it sounds kinda dull...  
Q- And childish...  
W- Take a look in the mirror, orphan boy!  
Q,D- DON'T EVEN JOKE ABOUT THAT!!!   
W- Aiyee...  
M- Like, man, Duo would fit right in!  
I- Dude, like, yeah!  
K- Duo could go as Relena!  
D- Oh no way man!  
K- What did you call me?  
D- Luvly gorgeous beautiful sex kitten?  
K- shudder  
N- rolls eyes So only the guys are dissatisfied?  
Guys- YUP!  
I- Hey, this shandy is goooood!  
P- Chris, that's lemonade you ditz!  
D- Yeah, but I saw Heero ballet dancing near it, and his water bottle was empty.  
P- Oh god no. Not again...  
N- How about I make it worth your while going?  
W- What, we can blow up stuff?  
K- God Ruth, maybe your bonking skills had a good effect on the Wu-man?  
R- Yeah... innit scary?  
N- So if I make an offer you can't refuse, you'll go dressed up as whatever I say?  
Guys- general nodding  
N- Right then. You can all fondle Ruth.  
R- WHAT!  
L,K- hysterics  
Guys- ALRIGHT!  
P- I'm in!  
B- Hey Tasha, can I fondle you instead?  
N- blushblushblush (walks away hugging self)  
D,H,W- WHAHOOO!  
Q- What does fondle mean?  
2)- It means to touch up, homo-boy.  
Q- Hey! OK then, If I'm supposed to be gay, who am I supposed to be gay with?  
2)- Trowa.  
Q- Oh I see... HEY! I am sooooooooo not gay with Trowa!  
R- I can vouch for that!  
Q- And besides, what does touching up mean?  
2) You are too darn thick for words...  
N- HEY! He's not thick, he's cute! (Hugs Quatre again)  
Q- Argh... bronchioles... oh there goes my ribs... medic!  
2)- Tasha-cun(**stupid little phrase steph uses**), no offence, but I think you're hurting gay boy.  
N- No I'm not (squeezes tighter)  
Q- AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGH!  
N- Hey Quatty, (lets go) you would have gone out trick or treating with me without fondling Ruth, wouldn't you? flutter eyelashes  
Q- What does fondle mean?  
N- Just answer the f***ing question!  
Q- Will you hug me again if I say no?  
N-... maybe. Your just so cute and adorable I have to hug you. You're kinda like a dog.  
Cat- DOG?!??! ARGGGGGGGH! (rockets off round stage like a streaming bullet)  
Q- I will go anywhere with you as long as you promise not to hug me.  
N- I cannot guarantee that, so I can't promise.  
Q- Well can you at least be gentle?  
N-... kay.  
Q- Yes I would have gone trick or treating with you.  
N- You are so cuuuuute! (Pinches cheek and begins to walk off)  
Q- ARGH! LEMME GO! THIS IS AS BAD AS THE BLOODY HUGGING!!  
  
So it is agreed. The KTVS cast will leave the sanctity of their set and venture into the big wide world of All Hallow's eve to steal candy from small children and scare the living daylights out of geriatrics. Steph is alone on stage again, but this time with Duo, organising his outfit...  
  
D- Don't you have ANY decent costumes?  
2)- Erm, no. I sent the wardrobe out to be dry-cleaned and so I've only got Gundam Wing Outfits!  
D- Well that's frickin useful! Pout I might as well go as a crippled myself.  
2) Oh Baby stop pouting! It doesn't suit that pretty triangular face of yours! Hey, come here, your hair is getting to me! (Begins fixing up Duo's braid. KJ signals for Steph to cut it off. Steph sticks up her middle finger and KJ pokes out her tounge.)  
K- So we are going as Gundammy peeps? Soz, but I'm not going as Relena.  
2)- (begins putting two thin braids either side of Duo's now entirely loose hair. She ties them with a band) Go put this on, D-chan, and then I'll do your make up. Trust me, you'll be the scariest off all!  
D- Mkay... Do I get to use my scythe?  
2)- No. You get to yell the most memorable line in Gundam wing though.  
D- What? "I WILL KILL YOU"?  
2)- Just go! (Duo hobbles off into dressing room carrying big carrier bag with teeth. Tasha ties headscarf round her head and begins hoovering in pale blue top, apron and blue jeans. Her hair is tied up in a plait.)  
K- gawp Tassia...  
N- What? Someones gotta keep this place clean!  
K- No take off the headscarf and twirl around.  
N- Mkay KJ, whatever turns you on... (Does as she's told. KJ and Steph grin at each other.)  
2) Tasha my lad!  
N- What now? Why are you looking at me like that? Mimblewimble  
K- Tassia, you know you always wanted a fringe?  
T- EEP! OH NO WAY! YOU ARE NOT CUTTING MY HAIR! (Ruth snatches Tasha from behind)  
R- Tie her up, quick!  
N- LET ME GO! NO! STOP IT! GET AWAY WITH WTHOSE SCISSORS! ARGH!......  
  
A few minutes later...  
  
K- Tasha, you can stop cringing now. I'm done.  
N- You're done what?  
K- I finished cutting you a fringe!  
N- (leaps up in pouty rage) HOW COULD YOU! I specifically said you couldn't do that! How could you do this to me? I thought you were my friend! How... (Pauses in front of mirror and looks. Her fringe is about cheek bone length, maybe a bit longer, and stringed out, just like she always wanted) how do you do it? Swoon  
K- What can I say? shrug I'm great.  
N- (hugs KJ) Thank you! Hey, I got a question, why did you want to cut me a fringe?  
K- Turn around sideways.  
N- (looks in mirror, She has a stringy fringe and a long braid. Tasha gawps) You made me Duo, didn't you?  
K- Yaaaaaaaaar.  
N- Can I use the scythe?  
D- (restrained) NO YOU DAMN WELL CANNOT! MFFFMFF! (steph shoves socks in his gob)  
2) Of course you can. (Tasha looks at Duo.)  
N- snigger  
D- (spits out socks) Shut up, Tasha.  
N- Don't you mean Duo, Relena!?  
K,2),N- snigger  
D- HEY! Leave me alone! HEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRROOOOOOOOOOO! Make them stop!  
H- (enters, rubbing now dyed blue hair with a towel and wearing a bra stuffed with socks and a pair of black trousers. He is carrying a purple jumper.) Whaddya want?  
D- gawk  
N- Hello, my love! (Leaps into Heero's arms. KJ and Steph fall into hysterics)  
H- Nooooo... this not right. I have to go think. (Exits into dressing room)   
2)- KJ, you wanna go raid Wu-fei's room for your outfit? I'll get the dye ready.  
K- One, no I really don't want to go in to his room and have to see his little kim posters, but I want to steal those really comfy trousers and that big swordy thingy, and two, LEAVE MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR ALONE!  
2) Erm, no. Tasha, get the gel.  
K- sob (goes off to raid Wu-fei's room.)  
L- Wu-fei stay still! (Tammy is brushing Wufei's hair. She's about to bleach it. (Hey, he's got the thickest eyebrows, I can tweezer them easy!)  
W- Please Tam, I'm begging, don't do this to me. I don't wanna be a woman, let alone HER!  
L- Wu-fei, begging is weak. Shut up.  
W- You know, you are the only person who calls me by my full name... swoon  
L- Wu-fei...  
W- Yes Taman, whatever is it?  
L- Stop looking at my chest. It makes you talk gibberish.  
W- BLUSH!  
N- Quatty babe! Did the suit fit?  
Q- Yeah, thanx! (Exits dressing room in a neck to toe blue suit with a short collar. He is wearing knee high black leather boots and faffing with his hair.) I just can't get my hair arse length yet.  
N- Stephy-babe, we got any miracle grow?  
2) Sure, it's over in my bag!  
N- COOOOOLI! (Fetches Miracle grow) Quatty, open wide.  
Q- Eeep! NO!  
N- I'll hug you.  
Q- I'm not drinking miracle grow and that's final.  
R- Let me help, Tasha. (Ruth pinches Quat's arse)  
Q- AIYEE!  
N- (tips contents of bottle down Quat's throat) Thar you go!  
Q- splutter cough choke ARGH! It burns! (Suddenly Quatre's hair grows at mammoth rate and hits the arse mark. It stops with a short ping.)  
N- DAW! QUATRE'S SO PRETTY!!! (hugs him.)  
Q- QUIT IT!! Hey, I do look kinda good. God my fringe sure as hell is long!  
K- HERE YA GO! Snip  
Q- Thanks Kaja! Hey, it's still too long.  
2) No it's not, now you look like Zechs!  
R- (dressed as Heero with mop on head) Must kill Zechs... om.  
Q- NO RUTHY NO! (runs away like a scared little nancy pants)  
T- This is illegal!  
1)- Come on Trowa, ya look sure as hell cute as Catherine!  
T- I REFUSE TO WEAR A LEOTARD!  
1)- Oh just shut up and get changed!  
N- Hey Kerry, put on your glasses!  
1) -(does as she's told)  
N- YAY! WE HAVE LADY UNE!  
T- (puts on fake eyebrows and grabs Kerry) Come along, my love, we must away!  
1) Hysterics as Tammy tangoes of stage with her  
W- Would you believe it, Tammy makes a great Treize!  
B- ARGH! PAUL WHAT HAVE YOU DOOOOOOOONE! (runs out on stage. His hair is bleach blonde, even his eyebrows are)  
P- Come on Ben, you look fine!  
B- My beautiful hair... aiyeee!   
Q- HEY! How cool is that! It's me!  
B- (grabs Quatre's shirt) THIS IS NOT COOL! Look at me! I look like a bloody super saiyan high on Viagra!  
R- I sure wish you were (looks at nails) those were some good times...  
N- falls off stage  
Q- Put me down damnit!  
B- (drops Quatre) Foine! Listen, I will be in my dressing room.  
N- (dives after Ben) Listen, Benny-Baby, come on. Have some fun. If you be good I'll whisper (Ben's eyes light up)  
B- OK, sure thing! (kisses Tasha on the cheek)  
D- So that's where all the rumours of our gayness come from!  
Q- I need to hit something. (punches desk) owwy...  
2)- OK, who else needs to be sorted out?  
Cat- me and BN  
BN- KATANA SOUP!  
K- You, Chris and Mark  
C- MEEEEE!  
3) I ain't going out dressed as ne of em!  
N- Fine you can stay here! Rosie, come and get changed into your little Wing Zero Custom Costume. Baby Nataku is too young to go out... and too amazing ally.  
BN- SCIMITAR ON TOAST!  
Cat- snivel alright, fine! (storms off to get changed)  
N- Which costumes you got left steph?  
2) Well, there's Noin, Sally, Trowa and Maremaia.  
C- I'll be Maremaia. She's the cute little kid, right?  
N- No shes a seven year old little red headed bitch, child of trieze IE Satan, but if that's what you want... Mark, who ya gonna be.  
M- Dude, like, I dunno!  
2)- Make Christian Trowa, he's got longer hair.  
N- But doesn't Sally have long hair?   
2) yar, but I have Miracle grow, don't I?  
2),N- evil grin  
M- Dude, like, no!  
K- Oh come on, Marky, your hair is the right colour!  
M- But dude, look what happened to Quatre!  
N-Oh pipe down. Open up!  
M- No man, like, no!  
N- Come on... you get to fondle Ruth...  
M- mmmmmmmmmmno!  
N- How about I buy you an even spinnier chair?  
M- mmmmmmmmmmOK! (grabs bottle and drinks about half. He starts shuddering. Suddenly those sexy spikes become sexy, well, long hair and Mark looks flabbergasted.) Dude, like, instant hair extensions!   
N- spam Steph, deal with it. (walks off to get changed.)  
H- Do my tits look alright?  
Cast- hysterics  
H- Whaaaaaaaaat? What are you laughing aaaaaaat? I don't get it! DUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOO! Or, is it Tasha? Either way, I is Hilde and I'm darn proud! (pouts) I must go and think. (goes off into dressing room)  
2)- Right, I have Trowa and Noin left. I'm being Noin coz I don't wanna be a man, particularly a gay man.  
T- HEY!!! I AM NOT GAY! I was gonna do Ruth until she said I couldn't!  
K- Ruthy, you are such a whore. And it's an INJUSTICE!  
R- Very good! Now my turn. I will Kill you... no, I WILL kill you, no, I will KILL you, nooooooooo...  
K- sweatdrop  
2)- Chrissy, I need to dye your hair. Come here.  
I- throws up over stage  
K- EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!  
R- Gross Gross Gross  
Cat- Oh god I've got a hairball! (ambles off as fast as she can dressed up like a frickin gundam)  
BN- MMMMMMMMMMMMMM VOMIT!  
2)- Arse.   
I- Like, I need to lie down.  
K- How come Heero gets really pissed and never throws up?  
2)- Maybe its because he irons himself a lot when he is pissed. Chris, go iron yourself!  
I- OK!  
K- ARSE! Anyway, you do realise your gonna have to be Trowa if he's too sick?  
T- WHY CAN'T I BE TROWA??  
1)- OH shut up... (tries to force him into red spangly number.)  
K- Kerry, WHY?  
1) Stephy accidentally sent off the Catherine leotard for dry cleaning, and so Ruthy sed we can borrow the RSN. And I did sew up all the holes.  
T- I hate to be vocal and Wu-fei, but INJUSTICE!!!  
K- Oh shut up. Steph I can hear Chris throwing up. I think he's too sick to go out.  
2)- Damn. Hey, why can't the cat be Trowa? We do need a Noin.  
K- Do you really want to drape yourself over Quatre?  
2)- EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! I'LL BE TROWA! But then I'll have to drape myself over Ben!  
B- Look, Steph, I know you're a self-centered twisted bitch, but can you stop being such a spiteful cow on top of all that? I really think you are hurting Quatre's feelings.   
2)- UH! HOW DARE YOU! And besides, does it really look like I care?  
B- Not really. Sod off.  
2) UH! (storms off into dressing room.)  
K- GO BEN!  
B- Sorry, but sometimes I have to be blunt. Anyway, we need a Noin.  
Q- I DON'T WANNA BE ALONE! Snigger  
N- (from dressing room)That is so not a Zechs line.   
K- Hey, Tasha, you got any Zechs .wavs we can get Quatre to copy?  
N- I have a funkay Trieze one... but no Zechs, sozdee.  
K- Poobo...  
B- Oh lets just not start that again, K?  
K- Agreed.  
N- I have got a funny little picture of Zechs getting punched in the face with all blood spurting from his nose... hey stephy, we got any fake blood?  
Q- Oh no way!  
2)- I AM NOT SPEAKING TO ANY OF YOU! And, no we don't.  
Q- Phew...  
2) However, we could cover him with Christian vomit and pretend its blood.  
Q- STEPHY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!  
N- No thanks Stephy, we'll just do without. Hmm... hey, I know a Zechs liiiiine!  
Q- Ya do?  
N- Uhuh. Doesn't he say in the episode where Heero self detonates...  
R- Tasha, he does that lot. Can you be specific?  
N- OK, the clip show episode, The Locusts of Victory and Defeat.  
R- Oh Yar, following now. The one I taped for you?  
N- nod and I am eternally grateful. Aaaaaaanyway, in that episode there is a clip which comes after Quatre yells...  
Q- THEY'VE TARGETTED THE COLONIES!  
N- And then...  
D- AND HAND OVER OUR GUNDAMS!?! Gawp  
N- Aaaand then...  
T- Sound's like Oz's tricks.  
K- HEEEEEEY! We don't have an Oz in this version of Buffy!  
C- Or a Kendra!  
N- Hey, that's what Mark and Chris are for.  
M- Hell no dude!  
N- Anyway, you know after that bit the bit with Heero and Zech's fighting?  
R- Yuhuh, when Zech's says...  
Q- You can fight, well can't you?! God I'm getting good at this!  
N- Exactly. There you go. OOOOOO! I've got another one!  
R- Do tell.  
N- You know when Zechs and Heero have that battle in Antarctica? And Heero pilots Heavyarms?  
T- I could never forget.  
2)- I TAPED DAT!  
N- Yes, you did. Remember when Heero and Trowa arrive and are walking down the corridor? And Zechs starts talking?  
2)- Oh YEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!  
N- And he says...  
Q- Heero Yuy. Is that your real name?  
H- (pulling Hilde jumper of his head) Ok, Ok, I got it, then I say, Is that your real name you're using?  
N- Exactly. I can't remember Zech's exact words after that. I had just taken my medication and I was kinda zapped out, so ya know. (**By medication I mean My Asthma pump, Allergy spray and Antihistamine pill, k? Not any thing else!**) But anyway, there you go Quat, you've got some lines!  
Q- YAY!  
T- Kill me. (he is wearing the spangly red number and Catherine hair (ie it looks like Anne Franks hair) His Y fronts are showing)  
Cast- gawp hysterics  
T- Kill me now...  
Q- Hehehehehehe! You look like a prat!  
R- If you stretch that I'll kill you.  
N- Ahh don't worry Ruthy, hysterics I'll buy you a nice purple one for Xmas!  
R- Oh hardy hahaha! Hey, why are you still in your dressing room?  
N- blush Erm, well...  
R- Come on! I wanna see DUUUUUUO!  
K- Yes, it is weak to hide away in ones room like a little woman weakling INJUSTICE! Wow...  
W- INJUSTICE! I mean, Go ahead, start a war! Teehee blush  
R- Wow Wu-man, you look so much like Dorothy! But... your hair is too short... And will someone please fix the eyebrows?  
K- YAY! (dives at him with tweezers)  
W- ARGH! (KJ rips out eyebrows, well parts of.) OH THE PAIN!  
K- Weakling. Thar you go! Swish OOOO SWORDY THINGY!  
W- THAT'S A KATANA! YOU IMBECILE!  
K- TEHEHE swish  
R- TAAAAAAASSSSSSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAA! Come out!  
N- I'll come out when we've got a Noin!  
2)- You guys all took ages to get ready! (Steph exits dressing room straightening turtle neck and jeans and fiddling with her hair. Her braids are all clipped up at the back with some gelled into a erect blob to cover her face.)  
K- That was quick.  
2)- Yeah. What can I say? I'm a professional.  
Cat- Please... someone get this thing off me pout  
C- Daw, poor baby! (Takes off Wing Zero Custom costume)  
Cat- Thank you.  
N- So you don't wanna come then?  
Cat- No, I'll go, but I'll go as Noin, won't I, Sexy Zechsy baby? (Begins rubbing against Quatre's legs)  
Q- Oooooooh! (Cringes)  
R- Hey, there is a little Catty costume crappy suity thingy that Noin wears!  
Cat- Ruthy, you know you died that mop on your head brown?  
R- Yuhuh?  
Cat- Can you dye the mini mop blue?  
R- Waaaaaaaay ahead of ya! (Plonks mini mop head on Rosies little head)  
N- NOOO! YOU'RE COVERING UP THE CUTE LITTLE ORANGE SPLODGE! (Bursts out of dressing room dressed as, well, Duo, but with tits)  
D- GAWP Wow...   
Q- Hehehehee! Hey, you've even got the funky cross!  
N- I'm not a Christian, but who cares? It's a fashion accessory, not a statement.  
D- IT IS FOR ME! HOW DARE YOU MOCK ME!  
N- I'm not mocking snivel Don't you like my impersonation? Snivel  
D- Of course I do, I just thought...  
N- Well don't think! Sniff You'll make my mascara run!  
W- HAHHAHAH! DUO WEARS MASCARA! Cackle  
D- I DO NOT!  
K- Can we just behave please?  
Cat- And besides, according to that bitch-arse laydee when I was an 8 week old kitten; "Oh what an ugly cat!" Just because of my splodge! She was a bitch... pout  
All- DAW! (hug cat)  
Cat- purr purr I should do this more often.  
N- Well I think we are all ready now. Here's the list, just so we can check;  
Heero- Ruthy  
Duo- Me  
Trowa- Stephy  
Quatre- Ben  
Wu-man (w-HEY!)- Kaja  
Sexy Zechsy (**I don't know who wrote the funny parody fic that was in, but If you are offended by me using your hilarious comment please email me and I will remove it**)- Quatre  
Noin- Rosie  
Lady Une- Kerry  
Sally- Mark  
Treize- TammyWammyJammyBammy! (L- SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!)  
Maremaia- Cazy  
Relena- Duo  
Hilde- Heero  
Catherine- Trowa  
Dorothy-Wu-fishay! (w- grrrr)  
  
P- HEY! WHAT ABOUT MEEEEEEEEEE!?  
Cast- gasp  
K- We forgot Pauly Paul Paul Paul!  
N- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
2)- evil grin I have an idea... heh heh heh...  
P- EEP!  
  
30 seconds later...  
  
P- This is pathetic...  
R- (jumps on Paul's back) Giddy Up WING ZERO! We gotta get going! Candy doesn't wait!  
P- Help... (runs off carrying Ruth and wearing Wing Zero costume)  
N- You do realise he might as well have borrowed a Gundam and rode about in that instead of wearing that dumb suit, right?  
2)- Yeah, but do you have the heart to tell him and spoil all his fun?  
N- evil grin Who am I to kill a dream?  
  
And as the sun begins to set and the gastly Ghoulies begin to come out and play, The KTVS crew leave the sanctity of the set and head out into the big wide world, stronger as people and ready for action...  
  
N- DAMMIT MARC! GET OFF THE KEYBOARD! YOU AND YOUR UGLY FACE ARE GONNA SCARE PEOPLE AWAY!  
MJHK- Screw off, sad case! I was just adding the Klusener touch to this piece of shit you call a story.  
N- Well, now your done, go away! Anyway, isn't John's Girlfriend's party tonight?  
MJHK- ARGH SHIT! I GOTTA GO GET READY! (Runs off at a rate of knots)  
Hollie- I better got and help him choose a tie!  
N- Get away from me you uppity freak! You reek!  
Hollie- Do not!  
Cat- DO TOO! hiss spit  
Hollie- hiss spit You can all go screw!  
N- No, I can easily take you the vets for a little injection, considering Marc won't take you!  
Hollie- EEEEEEEEEEP!   
  
And here we are, my friends, at the end of the Halloween special. I just thought you ought to see a little off what is off set for once, and a little key into my home life. Anyway, ehem, we have come to the end of this fantastic Halloween episode! And even now, we have some questions to ask;  
WHAT THE HELL POSSESED RUTH TO MAKE HER WANT TO SHAG ANIME CHARACTERS WHO ARE 2D MAY I ADD!?! IF YOU TURN THEM A CERTAIN WAY THEY DISSAPPEAR!! Pant pant  
What made Tasha wrote this piece of absolute drivel and will we be subjected to a Christmas special in two months?(N-*nod*)  
Why, just, why?  
The answers to some of these questions and maybe more which have brewed up inside your skulls will be answered (maybe) in the next fantastic back to regime episode of...  
  
TALIBAN WEEKLY!  
Osama, get off the keyboard!  
  
KAJA THE VAMPIRE SLAYER!!! 


	7. Chapter 6- So here it is merry Chritsmas...

N- I thought for once I'd start this off. So here is it. WELCOME TO MY SICK SCREWED UP LITTLE WORLD OF KTVS! I really hop you enjoy the show. I'm sorry for the delay in writing, but I have been busy with DT coursework among things this term. Anyway, as I'm feeling festive, and the Christmas season is dawning upon us, KTVS has gone all Christmassy, and I now formally welcome you to...  
THE KTVS CHRISTMAS CAROL!  
Please take your seats, pick up your refreshments and enjoy the show! Please note I only own my GDW 'Battlefield of pacifists' manga and my a1 posters. BTW if ne1 know in which sequence in which the series, Blind target, BFOP and EW go, please email me or write it in a review. Many thanx. ENJOY!  
  
This fic is dedicated to Rosie, who has been quite ill recently. Get well soon, my little kitten.  
  
KAJA THE VAMPIRE SLAYER GOES FESTIVE!  
Including:  
THE G-BOYS!  
A1!  
A2!  
B2!  
Stephy!  
Aaaaaand  
BABY NATAKU!  
  
And Special Guest Appearances from-  
The audience!  
Elijah Wood!  
  
(Enter cast from dressing rooms. Crowd goes wild. Several return from refreshments counter. The show begins...)  
R- (with sore throat) God it's been aaaaaaaaages!  
K- Yeah MAN! I was starting to miss the MEN MAN!  
M- Oh shut it dude, that ain't funni no more!  
T- (finishes hugging everyone) Aw betes and betis I missed Ya!  
All- WE MISSED YOU TOOOOOOOO! *group hug*  
D- (Still on crutches) Hey, where's Tasha?  
K- DDDDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAMT!  
N- you rang?  
K- *snigger* Yes, I did. Hewwo!  
N- HIYAR! Hey everybody!  
All- Hi Mrs Paycheck! (Thrust out hands)  
N- Er... like... no!  
All- *groan*  
Q- So what fun thing are we doing today?  
R- We're not watching that perverse thing Mr Lewis made us watch in English are we?  
N,R,1)- EWWWWWWWWWW!  
1)- We're not acting it out, are we?  
N,R,1)- EWWWWWWWWWWW! (look around at guys for a second, look at one another) EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!  
N- NO WE ARE NOT! We are doing something festive!  
All- *groan*  
K- Bah! Humbug!  
N- Exactly!  
K- Huh?  
N- But first, I need to give out prezzies!  
All- YAY! (Everyone sits in a circle)  
N- Ok, first, here's a great big bazooka for Heero...  
H- ^_^ Thank you!  
N- Aaaand a years supply of herbal essences for Duo... (Crane dumps cartload of HE on Duo)  
D- ARGH!(muffled) Thank you...  
N- And a new Violin for Quatty...  
Q- OOOOOOOOOOOO! THHHHHHAAAAAAAAANKYOOOOOOOOOU!  
N- And some face paints for Trowa...  
T- *sweat drop* Erm... Yeah...  
N- And a new polishing set for Wu-Wu...  
W- YAY! *Starts polishing hair*  
N- And a new Shakin' Stevens alb for Pauly...  
P- Oh damn...  
N- And a mini cruise ship for Mark...  
M- YAY! One time, on a cruise ship...  
N- And a new guitar for Cwissy...  
C- *Norwegian gibberish*  
N- And, ehem, summat special for Ben... (passes him a bag. Ben opens in sneakily and blushes)  
B- So what time we meetin' up to try this baby out?  
All- *puke*  
N- How about seven? Anyway, I gave you lot Prezzies!  
All- THANKYOU!  
N- Your welcome! (looks around and sighs) Well I guess it's back to work...  
R- WAIT! I HAVE AN IDEA! (all turn and look)  
K- What idea would that be, Ruthy?  
R- How about we do anything Tasha says as her Chrimbo gift considering she hasn't got anything?  
All- YAY!  
N- You really mean it?  
L- Yuhuh! Come on, what dya want us to do?  
N- Hmm...  
  
Three minutes later...  
N- Hmm... no... ah but... hmmm...  
B- I CAN'T TAKE THE PRESSURE! *starts throttling Ruth*  
E- Hey, chill with the still (throws Ben a bottle of Oasis. Grins)  
L- *Gasp!* Elijah Wood!?  
K- Oh for heck's sake I have enough of you at home!  
R- So what are you doing here, Hobbit boy? Come to show us yer hairy feet?  
L- EW!  
E- *glare* NO! Somebody called and said there was an opening on Fridays for Refreshments guy.  
K- *hysterics*  
D- That's the nigh the audience get... *gulp*  
R- FRISKAY!  
E- What?  
Crowd- (start humming) Om... (Suddenly leap forward, hands like claws and drag Elijah from the stage. The sound of girly screams and clothes ripping can be heard from beneath the mass of seething old people.)  
All- O_O  
D- Oh well... (hobbles over and takes an Oasis) at least we get free drinks!  
E- *muffled* That's a quid a bottle ARGH! Watch where you're putting your slipper!  
K- *shudder*  
N- YAY! I've got it!  
D- What, a migrane, coz I sure have!  
K- DUO!  
R- uh!  
A2- *HYSTERICS*  
Q- What's so funny?  
A2- *look at Q* HAHHAHAH!  
Q- *pout* I don't geddit...  
N- AW BABY! *hugs Q gently*  
Q- This is nice, and not painful!  
H- Freaky...  
R- Good lord it speaks!  
L- And it's sober?  
B- Oh dear...  
H- WRARGH! *chases Ben with gun*  
N- We are going to do the CHRISTMAS CAROL by Charles Dickens!  
Q- What the Dickens is that all about?  
D- *sweatdrop*  
R- That was THE most pathetic pun I have very heard.  
N- Well I thought it was sweeeeeet! *Sidles towards Quatre*  
Q- Be gone, woman!  
M- Dude, like, how are we gonna stage that, man?  
K- Like MAN, I like, MAN, dunno, MAN!  
M- Quiiiiiiiit it!  
N- Well, I have to find a copy of the book first.  
R- OMG you are not trying to tell me you don't know the chimbo carol, are you?  
N- No, I know it, but after the complaints I've had for not getting scenes in KTVS right, I must be sure.  
W- We are doing an edited version, aren't we?  
N- Well duh! You really think I can be arsed to do the entire thing?  
W-...  
D- HAHA Wu-mans gone all quuuuiiiiiiiiiiet!  
W- *glare*  
D- Oh and the silence continues!  
H- Shut up Duo (re-enters, dragging B about by his hair)  
N- SILENCE! I want to cast my people!  
All- *silence*  
E- ARGH!  
Crowd- SHHHHHHH!  
N- Ok... This is who everyone is...  
Heero- Ghost of Christmas Future  
Duo- Scrooge  
Trowa- Bob Cratchit,   
Quatre- Narrator (Chorus 1-5)  
Wu-fei- Ghost of Christmas present  
Ben- Tiny Tim, Dick  
Chris- Ignorance, Peter Cratchit  
Mark- Fred, Boy  
Paul- Marley's Ghost, Fezziwig  
Tasha- Flame, Belle  
KJ- Little Fan, Belinda Cratchit  
Tammy- Mrs Cratchit, Fred's Wife  
Caz- Ghost of Christmas Past  
Ruth- Want, Waiter, Martha  
Kerry- Solicitor 2, Girl  
Steph- Mrs Fezziwig  
Cat- Youngest Scrooge,  
Sara- Solicitor 1  
Elijah- Young Scrooge, Schoolmaster  
  
*A WHILE LATER...............*  
  
Q- Ehem, are we ready?  
N- I think so. Who's in the opening scene?  
Q- Erm... (scans text) Well, me ^_^, erm, Bob Cratchit and Scrooge start on stage. Then we'll need Fred, the solicitors, the waiter...  
R- That's meee!  
Q- The flame and Marley.  
N- Ok, PLACES PEOPLE! We have a show to do!  
(Duo hands Ben his crutches and hobbles to centre stage. Crowd cheers. Trowa drags Duo off to stage left and Quatre stands, dressed in Tux, center stage. The crowd goes crazy.)  
Crazy old Hag- MAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRYYY! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
Q- *blush* Ermm... Tasha!  
N- LAAAAAAAAAAYDEEEEEEEEES AND GEEEEEEENNNNNTTTTTTIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLMMMMMMMEEEEEEN! Welcome today to the fantastic world of, heh, me, and we hope you enjoy the show. Now, may I present, A KTVS CAROL!  
  
Q- Once upon a time- of all the good days in the year, on Christmas Eve- it was cold, bleak, biting weather: Foggy withal. The people went wheezing up and down, beating their hands upon their breasts...  
D- Heehee, breasts!  
Q- *glare* and stamping their feet upon the pavement stones to warm them. (cast start walking around dressed in coats, stamping feet and punching selves in chest)  
K- Argh! I squished me wotzits!  
H- *stamp stamp* *beat* ARGH! (knocks himself over with force of blow)  
Q- *sweatdrop* Anyway, the Door of Scrooge's counting house was open... (enter Duo and Trowa, walking across the stage towards the door. Tammy, Ruth and KJ stand by a cardboard cutout door and start singing)  
K,L,R- We had joy, we had fun, flicking bogies at the sun, but the sun got too hot, and the bogies turned to snot!  
K- Nah, we can't sing that, it's Christmas!  
R- Fine! Ohhhhhhhhhh Sir Jasper, do not touuuuuuch meeeeee!  
L- NO!  
R- You're so pissy!  
L- What shall we sing then?  
K- TAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKE OOOOOOOON MEEEEEEEEEEE!  
R- I got one, Christmas time, Mistletoe and Wine...  
K,L- Awww!  
K- That's better!  
R- Children singing out of time, the dogs on the fire, the cats up the tree...  
K- RUTHY!  
R- Sorry... HEY! (Trowa and Duo walk up) GIMME MONEY!  
T- K ///_^ (puts some money on the red spangly number)  
N- CUT! What the heck is that?  
R- Well, *blush*, as it has so many holes in it, I decided to sew it all up and make summat new. So I made an ickle bag!  
N-......... Carry on.  
R- Thanks Trowa-chan...  
T- ///_^ (walks in)  
D- (goes to walk past)  
R- OI! GIMME MONEY!  
D- No.  
R- GIIIMMMMMEEEEEEE MONEEEEEEEEY!  
D- No!  
K- Why the heck not?  
D- Coz I'm Scrooge... mwhahhahaha!  
L- But its mean!  
D- *sweatdrop* That's the whole point Tammy, Scrooge is mean...  
L- Oh yeah! OK! ^_^  
D-............  
K- Pweeze Mister Scroogey man, I mean, I'm not like Ruthy, I won't give you sexual favours in return for money (Ruth slaps KJ) ow! But, if you must find a reason for giving me money, I have one...  
D- And what exactly is that?  
K- THINK OF MY CHILDREN!  
D- You don't have any children!  
K-... someday I might...  
L- Oh the dejavou!  
D- Laydees, screw off. (Duo walks in and slams door. People dressed in black come on and change set.)  
Q- The door of Scrooge's counting house was open...  
I- YOU SAID THAT ALREADY!  
Q- QUIET! The door of Scrooge's counting house was open...  
M- DUUUUUUUUUUUDE! That's like three times now!  
Q- SHUT UP! The... door... of... Scrooge's... COUNTING HOUSE... was open so that he might keep his eye upon his clerk...  
D- I got my eye on you, boyo... MWHAHAH!  
T- *sweatdrop*  
Q- Who in a dismal cell beyond, a sort of tank, was copying letters.  
D- Preach it, boy!  
Q- *snigger* Scrooge had a very small fire...  
N- *curls up in a ball* lookie! I'm a very small fire!  
D- See? It's small!  
Q- But the Clerk's fire was so very much smaller that it looked like one coal...  
T- But I can't replenish it.  
D- COZ I HAVE THE COAL BUCKET IN MY ROOM! HAHAHHA! MINEEEEEEE!  
T- So I will just have to keep warm by this candle... and a scarf...  
R- *dressed as Scarf* bet you weren't expecting that, eh? Wheredya want me?  
T- Erm... the usual Scarf place, thanks...  
R- Boring old man! *wraps arms around Trowa's neck*  
Q- OH! But he was a tight fisted hand at the grindstone, Scrooge. A Squeezing  
R- Wrenching  
T- Grasping  
N- Scraping  
Q- Clutching, Covetous old Sinner! Hard and Sharp as Flint,  
R- Secret and self contained  
T- And solitary as  
N- an OYSTER! Or possibly Heero?  
H- F you.  
M- DUDE! Scroogey Uncle Dude! Like, Merry Festive dude!  
D- It's Merry Christmas you plank!  
M- K... Merry Festive Christmas dude Uncle Scroogeyo! And like, God save your ass!  
Q- it was Scrooge's nephew, Fred.  
D-......Bah! Humbeg!  
N- ITS HUMBUG!  
D- BAH! HUMBUG! Dat better?  
N- Yeppy! ^_^  
M- like, since when is Chritmas a stripy sweet, dude?  
D- Not that sort of humbug you arse!  
M- oh, right, I getit now. But dude! Like, Christmas is sooooo cooooL! Why are you being such a tight arsed prat?  
D- *looks shocked* WHY HAVE YOU BEEN LOOKING AT MY ARSE?  
M- I haven't! It was in the script!  
N- No it wasn't. Get on with it!  
D- Chrimbo is a big pile of Shit! Why are you all happy? Huh? We're at war! If I was Tony Blair, I'd ban Christmas. Waste of valuable money that could be spent on big guns!  
M- like, Ben has loadsa big guns in his trouser pockets!  
B- SHUT UP!  
M- Like, why shouldn't I be happy? Huh? It's not illegal, is it?  
D- Not yet... but I have my plans... MWHAHAH!  
M- Oh don't be such a loser! You've got loadsa money, you should be happy! Quatre's a rich arse dude and he's happy!  
Q- *nod*  
D- Bah! Humbug! He's always happy!  
M- Like, take a chill pill, dude!  
B- Why should I? I don't have to! What is Christmas except a day? Another day where drugs are illegal, just to spite me, and My Deathscythe baby is still clamped coz I can't be arsed to go all the way across the road and pay the fine! All ya do at Christmas is find yerself a year older, with less money and more wrinkles! If I had my way, every person who goes around all merry singing Christmas songs and saying, "oh happy Christmas Mister Scroogeywoogie!" or something to that effect should eat scythe! YEAH!  
N- D babe, that isn't the line...  
D- oh, and they should be boiled in their own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through their heart blah blah blah BORING!  
M- DUDE! LIGHTEN UP, MAN!  
D- Look, ok, let me celebrate Chrimbo in my own style, k?  
M- But, dude, it's dull! And, like, you don't celebrate at all!  
D- Leave me be!  
M- Like, Christmas is so important, like, it's the only time when scroogey peeps like yerself open up and be happy, and give and stuff. Like, we all celebrate dude! And its fun! And we all get pissed! And LAID! Even though we have no money at the end of Christmas, at least we know we had, like, fun. So it's good, and like, cool!  
T- Amen! Yeah! Oh god I'm talking... (hides under desk)  
D- Cratchit, if you so much as utter another sound I swear I'll shag your wife, and give her your job instead!  
L- ARGH!  
D- As for you, Uggy boy, go off and watch the queens speech or summat.  
M- Oh don't be such a LOOOOOSER! Come over tomoz and like, eat stuff with us! You can get pissed if you like!  
D- I'll fucking kill myself, or possibly you, before I do that!  
M- like, why?  
D- Why did you get married to that whore?  
M- Coz, like, she is sooooo good at like, you know... stuff...  
D- Dya love her then?  
M- Erm... yeah, I spose.  
D- love, hah! Fuck off.  
M- like, you hated me before I married her, and you hate me now. You can't give that as a reason for not coming, dude!  
D- Fuck off!  
M- Like, your depressing me man, and like, you are so like, retarded! Like, better days, dude.  
D- For Fuck's Fucking sake, Fuck the hell off!  
M- Fucking off, Fucking off! (exits)  
D- Hey, Cratchit.  
T- Yup?  
D- Theres another fucker with £400 a week, a wife, family, and he's fucking talking about merry Christmases too! You're all mad!   
T- Scrooge, I'm on minimum wage, I only get £70 a week.  
D- Shut up. (enter Solicitors 1and 2)  
3) Hey Scrooge! We're collecting for the poor!  
D- Oh are you indeed?  
1) Yeah. We want to give people stuff so that can have a good Christmas.  
3) Yeah, and like, houses and stuff for the homeless.  
D- I see... Tell me, are the shelters open still?  
3) (looks at Kerry) Erm, yeah.  
D- And what about benefits, are people getting benefits?   
1) Yep.  
D- Then I am already paying quite enough tax to suffice for my contribution.  
3) Right... so how much shall I put you down for?  
D- Nothing.  
1) No, seriously.  
D- I'm deadly serious. No get lost before I go get my scythe!  
1),3) EEP! (leave. Ben Runs to the door)  
B- We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy New ARGH! (Duo beats him round the head with a ruler)  
D- FUCK OOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFF! (Ben does so)  
T- Scrooge, it's time to lock up.  
D- Fine! And I bet I can guess what's coming next. Oh pweeze Mister Scroogey, can I have the day off tomorrow?  
T- That about covers it.  
D- And I suppose you will want the whole day, won't you?  
T- Yes, if that's alright.  
D- ALRIGHT? Of course it's not alright! It's not fair or just either! I have to pay you a whole tenner for no work! Ridiculous! And then you get a day behind too! Christmas! Hah! A very poor excuse for picking at my empty to pocket, you worthless bum! But because you are such a sentimental fool, I suppose you must have it. You better work double hard on the twenty sixth!  
T- Of course sir.  
D- grr... (leaves)  
T- (locks up and follows)  
Q- In honour of it being Christmas Eve, the clerk got behind a line of children, and went down a slide twenty times, and then ran home as hard as he could pelt to play at Blind man's buff.  
T- (runs off stage)  
Q- Scrooge took a melancholy dinner in his usual melancholy tavern.  
R- whadaya want luv?  
D- Something edible...  
R- Carboard bonanza again sir?  
D- It'll do. It's better than the Tin Can pie...  
Q- he beguiled the rest of the evening with his bankbook and went home to bed.   
D- (walks out of pub set up. Pub set is taken off. Enter street and Scrooge's home set.)  
Q- he lived in a house which had once belonged to his deceased partner. It was dreary enough, for nobody lived in it but Scrooge, the other rooms all being let out as offices. The yard was so dark that even Scrooge had to grope with his hands. Now it is a fact, that there was nothing at all particular about the knocker on the door, except that it was very large. And let anyone explain to me how it happened that Scrooge saw in the knocker, not a knocker, by Marley's face.  
D- *looks up* HOLY SHIT!  
P- Hello...  
D- What the hell?  
P- ...hello.  
Q- Marley's face...  
P- That's me, Marley!  
Q- It had a dismal light about it, like a bad lobster in a dark cellar. It was not angry or ferocious...  
P- But looked at Scrooge with ghostly spectacles turned up upon it's ghostly forehead.  
D- Huh? (Paul vanishes) It was a knocker again. PHEW!  
Q- To say that he was not startled would be untrue.  
D- I'm not startled! Tell 'em I'm not startled! (wanders around inside the house. Walks into Scrooge room set up.) There's someone here. Someone spying. NO I WILL NOT CAMEO IN YOUR BLOODY PRON FILM! GO AWAY!  
Q- No body under the table, no body under the sofa, nobody under the bed, nobody in the closet. He double locked himself in.  
D- (follows the instructions) Bah! Humbug! Perverted little porn freak musta escaped. No matter, (locks door) he shan't get in now. HAH!  
Q- There was a clanking noise deep down below, as if someone were dragging a heavy chain in the wine merchant's cellar.  
D- What the heck?  
P- Whoooooooooo!  
D- HUMBUG! It isn't real! It's all humbug!  
Q- it came through the heavy door, and passed into the room before his eyes. The dying flame...  
P- look, I know I'm supposed to be a ghost, but I'm not really. I can't walk through doors.  
N- Try now.  
P- YAY! (walks through door)  
N- the influence of Muse magic... GET ON WITH IT!  
Q- The Dying flame leaped up as though it cried:  
N- I KNOW WHO THAT IS! IT'S MARLEY'S GHOST! ARGH! SCARYNESS!  
D- What the hell do you want! I am not starring in...  
P- I want much of you, Scrooge...  
Q- Marley's voice, no doubt about it.  
D- Who are you? I AM NOT STARRING IN...  
P- SHUT UP! But now I am nothing. Ask me who I was.  
D- Fine! Who were you then?  
P- In life I was your partner, Jacob Marley.  
D- Hold on a second, I though Scrooge was straight, coz I ain't playing no Homo!  
N- He is straight!  
Q- He means partner at work, Duo. Get on with it!  
D- Fine. Can you sit down? Coz you if you can, you can, if you want to.  
P- I can.  
D- Well sit then!  
P- You don't... hold on. I'm not saying this.  
N- Why not?  
P- I sound like Fricking Peter Pan!  
N- Shut up and get on with it!  
P- You don't believe in me, do you?  
D- Nope.  
P- Why don't you believe in me? Do you doubt your senses? If so, why?  
D- Little things affect the senses, bad food, lots of smells, bright colours, naked ladies...  
P- Duo!  
K- Uh!  
N- SHUT UP!  
D- You don't look ghostly enough. So BAH! HUMBUG! Is all I feel like saying to you, ya big phoney!  
Q- the spirit raised a fearful cry...  
P- OW!  
D- NO! Not the MJ!  
2) MJ!MJ!  
Q- Scrooge watched in horror as the Ghost took the kerchief from it's head, and as it's jaw dropped to it's breast.  
P- *starts singing earth song*  
D- *falls to knees* Oh have Mercy! Why are you being so mean?  
P- Do you believe in me or not?  
D- For god's sakes, you're screaming earth song and flinging your jaw about and you think it's a good time for questions! I'm fricking scared!  
P- Answer the question.  
D- Of course I do! Geez! But why are you walking about down, or up here as the case may be, and why are you bothering me?  
P- Each person has a spirit...  
D- Marley, I'm catholic, I know this already.  
P- SHUT UP! Anyway, each man whose spirit does not go forth during our short and pointless lives is condemned to walk amongst the living after death. I am doomed to wander the world forever. Oh damn it! Why didn't I buy my mates and me those tickets to erotica? (starts singing again and shakes chains)  
D- Why have you got chains on, AND WILL YOU STOP THE SINGING?  
P- I wear these chains that I forged in my life.  
D- Really? I didn't know you were a blacksmith!  
P- Silence! This chain is my chain of self-defiance. This is a chain, the chain I used to oppress goodwill and bring others down with a vicious swipe. Does this sound familiar to you?  
D- Tell me more, Marley, please. Jacob, I need comfort. You're scaring me! *tears*  
P- I have no comfort to give, my friend.  
D- But why are you in chains? You were such a good businessman!  
P- So what? There is more to life than money, wealth, a good job! I never celebrated this blessed time, and now I am turned away from heaven!  
D- You should have gone to church then ^_^  
P- In this, neither do you.  
D- *gasp* !!! 0_o  
P- I have little time left, but you have a chance to escape my fate.  
D- Really? Cool!  
P- You will be haunted by three spirits.  
D- Oh thanks a bunch, your such a great friend *sweatdrop*  
P- Silence!  
D- I'm being silent! Listen, I'm not even talking!  
P- *sweatdrop*  
D- Is that the only way I'm gonna get another chance?  
P- yep.  
D- Damn.  
P- Oh cheer up! Three spirits are gonna come along, say hi, do a bit of talking, say bye, and it'll all be over by tomorrow morning! It's not that bad!  
D- I need my beauty sleep! I'll get split ends... *sniff*  
P- *groan* The first'll be here at 1am sharp, the second at 2 and the third at 3. Don't be late. They can get kinda antsy if you're late. (does up kerchief, exits through window. Cue wails)  
Q- Scrooge had been quite familiar with one old Ghost, with a monstrous iron safe attached to his ankle, who cried piteously at being unable to assist a wretched woman with an infant. He had lost the power of good forever. (Duo lies down on Bed. Spotlights fall on Q and D. Blackout otherwise) And being worn out from the emotions, Scrooge fell asleep in an instant.  
  
EXIT ALL. BLACKOUT 


	8. Chapter 7- Flappy Returned, but half the...

N- Ok, I would like to apologise in advance and ask for no flames. The next chapter of KTVS Carol is coming chrimbo 2002. If I get any flames it won't come at all! And if KeeMew2 (my adoring fan^_^) keeps reviewing, and gets other people to review, and my mates keep reviewing, I may write 2 chapters! Anyway, I would also like to apologise for the lack of ordinary chapters. This is an ordinary chapter. I do not own Gdw, a1 or Elijah Wood (damnit!). I only own my tolkein books, magazine interviews, posters and THREE gundam wing mangas (thankyou santa ^_^). Enjoy...  
  
KAJA THE VAMPIRE SLAYER!!!  
Featuring...  
A1!   
The G-boys!  
A2!  
B2!  
Elijah Wood!  
The cat!  
Aaaaand Baby Nataku!  
  
And, just for Rufus, special guest star...   
ORLANDO BLOOM!...  
not... HAHAHAH! Sucks 2 be you Ruth! Mwhahahaha ^_^  
  
We enter the set today on a quiet scene, and a Friday. Elijah is picking up litter (good Elwood!) in the seating and Duo is cart wheeling across the stage...  
  
D- WHAHOOOOOOOOOOO! That four-week break over Xmas has completely fixed my back... and leg! YAY! Screw you Benbo!  
E- Err... I'm not Benbo..  
D- (sweatdrop) Well can you at least pretend to be Ben for my amusement?  
E- Who's Ben?  
D- (SWEATDROP!) I forgot, you've been in hobbitville for 2 years...  
E- Hobbiton!  
D- Living in Bagbog...  
E- BAGEND!  
D- And smoking weed...  
E- Yep...  
D- And doing crap dancing...  
E- Yuhuh...  
D- And getting stabbed quite a bit...  
E- That too...  
D- And faking Orgies...  
E- Yea... HEY!  
D- (snigger) sucker...  
N- HEY EVERYBODY............ heeeeeeeeey! Wheres the audience?  
D- They found the Frank Skinner show.  
E- THANK GOD! I mean... oh poor you...  
N- ELIJAH WOOD! Why are you here? SAVE YOURSELF!  
E- I have a job to do. It doesn't pay well, and it wrecks my fingernails, but someone's gotta do it...  
D- Come one Lij, we saw your fingernails in LOTR, they're bitten down to the bone!  
E- I WAS FORCED TO DO THAT! (sob) my poor nails...  
N- God he sounds like Wu-fei...  
W- HEY! Hey... where's the crowd?  
D- They got bored of your polished head and went home.  
W- Screw you braid boy.  
D- No thanks, I'm not that sort of guy...  
W- INJUSTICE!  
N- Well that was original... HEY! WHERES MY CAST??!!  
W- Good point... I though I had been weak and dishonourable by being late, and now, I find I am almost alone, bar my master, and two short idiots...  
D- HEY!  
E- I'm sooooo taller than you!  
W- Yes, and I'm waist height too...  
E- I am NOT a hobbit! Look, SHOES!  
W- Oh yeah... weird... oh well... I must go prepare for my role...  
D- Yes, that lipstick takes so long to apply...  
N- Duo!  
R- UH!  
N- RUTHY! Where is everyone?  
R- KJ has just come back from hobbit land, so she's gonna take a break this episode, and Tammy's got the Chicken Pox (correction- its sum rashy thingy), so she's staying off... Kerry, Caz and Steph should be here, and Sandrock just landed, so Quatre's on his way...  
N- (leaps 60 feet in the air) YAY! QUATRE!  
E- Is he the blonde bimbo boy?  
R- Yuhuh...  
N- hey! (slaps Ruth) bad ruthy no insult Quatre Bad! And as for you...  
E- (flutters eyelashes)  
N- You are let off coz your fiiiiiiine. QUATRE!  
Q- (yawn) Hello...  
N- Is baby tired? DAW!  
Q- Careful of the ribs!  
N- Sorry...  
Q- I've been up all night writing my book.  
N- Quatre is writing a book?  
R- Oh god...  
2) Yes Tassa, it's called How to be a homo by QRW  
N- (throttle) LEAVE HIM ALOOOOOOOOOOONE!  
2) ARRRRRRRGH!  
Q- no, it's on how to handle your money (yawn) call me when everyone gets here, I'm going for a nap.  
N- Daw baby (Huggingness)  
Q- Still attempting to go for a nap... still attempting... LET ME GO!  
H- hn  
N- HEEEEEEEEEWOOOOOOOOOOOOH! Hewwo!  
H- (the finger)  
N- Hey!  
D- At least he's not legless...  
R- LEGOLAS!!!!!!!!  
N- Nice one, Duo.  
A muffled but beautiful sound of singing is heard approaching  
R- That'll be my SEXY LEGS! Singing me elfish songs... (swoon)  
E- Nah, Orlando only sings elfish songs, incredibly badly mind you, at Tolkein's grave once a year.  
R- oh f u!  
N- There are only four beings who make such a heavenly sound...  
The doors burst open! The cast are blinded by a white light! The sound of a norweigen Guitar can be heard, and some low harmonious humming! Who could it beeeeeee?  
N- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
B- (gorgey singing) Things are so different now your gone, I thought it'd be easy, I was wrong...  
I,M,P- And now I'm caught...  
B- And now I'm caught in the middle. Even though I'm with someone new, all I can think about is yoooou  
I,M,P- And now I'm caught...  
B- And now I'm caught in the middle...  
I- It's so different...  
N- BEEEEEEEEENNNNBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOO! (leaps on Ben in hugging fest)  
I- Dude! Like, let me sing.  
M- Man, I don't think she's gonna let ya.  
I- Like, man, Injustice, dude.  
D- I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! (throttle)  
C- DUO!  
N- Uh! God that felt goooood. HAHAHAH!  
R- (slaps high five)  
C- leave my gorgey Cwissy aloooooooone! (Chrissy Cazy hug-fest)  
D- So they've finally got over me. Oh well... there's still the cat...  
Cat- You rang?  
N- Yay! The arrivingness! Who are we missing?  
Q- Trowa's not here. And can you please stop hugging me, your making me hug Ben too.  
N- I know, Isn't it fun? Hey Elijah! (ssnnnnnnnnnnatch!)  
E- Lemme go!  
N- You're all mine! The musical, the cartoon and the theatrical! YAY!  
E,B,Q- (sweatdrop)  
R- Ok, Trowa's not here. Kerry isn't here either, and neither is Sara. Other than that, I think everything is soooooorted.  
Cat- OH NO!  
N- Oh no what, baby cat? Come join the hug, it's fun!  
Cat- Where is my precious BABY NATAKU!!!!!!!!!!??????????  
W- YOU LOST HER? AAAARRRRGH!  
Commence the very camp search for baby nataku, including Wu-fei running around in a skirt with only one eye with eye shadow on waving his hands around and talking like Graham Norton.  
W- Oh My GAWD! Where is Baby Natakoo?  
Cat- *sob*  
N- I would help you look, but I really cannot be arsed to get out of this hugging sitch.  
Q- Actually, now I have regained feeling in my ribs, it's ok.  
E- It's all snugly!  
B- I feel like a teddy bear! Or my dog...  
Cat- AARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! (runs awaaaaay!)  
N- Bad Benbo!  
B- (pout) Sowwy Tassa  
2)- (aside to Duo) Have you noticed, Tasha always falls for the really gay looking guys with bad hair and feminine features?  
N- WRRRRAAAAGGGGH! (throttling)  
Q- Heeeey! I was enjoying the hugging!  
B- I feel so alone...  
E-.........(pose)  
2)- (choke) Poser! (choke) POSER! (choke choke) Like... Legollllaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssssss (wheeze)  
N- This is so relaxing!  
R- Yeah everyone, buy a Steph and relive that stress! Don't turn to Kalms, that crappo stuff that makes you high!  
N- All ya need to get high is one of Zeke's magic Biros!  
R-Exactly, so call today!  
2)- (wheeeeeeeeze)  
C- Hey, maybe you should stop throttling now, Tash... Steph is going purple.  
N- Nah, I can wait. I wanna see her turn blue!  
R- Fun times!  
N,R- YAY!  
Everyone else- (Sweatdrop)  
T- ///_0????  
N- Oh, hey Trowa.  
T- ///_0???????!  
R- Ah, we're just throttling Steph for insulting Tasha's taste in guys. Ya wanna come join in?  
N- It means she insulted you, since your kinda cute!  
R- So whaddya say, huh?  
T- ///_^  
R,T,N- (throttle)  
C- I really think you ought to break this up now.  
N- Caz, what part of "I slaved away to finish life for you, depriving KTVS fans (there is only 1 other than my mates however) of the KTVSness aaaaand I put it on the net with a private dedication to you" do you not understand?  
C- (twiddles thumbs)  
N- This is kinda tiring.  
R- Yeah, and I need a piss. What about you Trowa?  
T- ///_@  
N- Yeah, I guess watching Steph's big ol' head roll around on her shoulders can make you kinda dizzy.  
N,R,T- (release steph)  
2)- I am so going to assassinate you all...uh...  
M- Hey, like, I have a question.  
R- Yes, Mark has a question! Lets all listen in awe! (sweatdrop)  
M- (blush) Wow...   
R- (anime fall over)  
M- anyway, like how are we gonna do any work?  
N- What do you mean, Marky-Barky-Smarky-Warky? (flutter flutter)  
M- (straight over head...) Well, erm, we have no Buffster...  
N- OH MY GAWD!  
H- Friend of Curtained Freak boy is correct, we are missing a Buffy.  
E- What are we gonna do?  
D- Since when are you part of the cast?  
W- Yeah, leave!  
E- (snivel)  
N- Leave him aallllllllllooooooooooooooone!  
D- Erm, why?  
N- Coz if you don't I'll give him your job.  
D- AIYEE!!!  
R- YAY! The return of the sound!  
N- Who did say that first?  
Q- I think it was me.  
R- he's right ya know, right before he dived behind Wu-fei.  
W- Yes, and the little weakling ruined my best suit.  
1) Our Dobuk (?) suits are soooooooooo much better. Plus, they're orange and black.  
W- They are weak colours. White and Blue are the colours of strength and purity.  
D- HEEEEEEEEEY! Deathscythe Rocks ass!  
T-///_- Leave Heavyarms alone.  
W- Quiet, you weak name stealer!  
Q- Hey! Leave him alone!  
D- Yeah but you have nothing to complain about, Sandrock's blue!  
Q- I know ^_^, but I like to defend my friends.  
D- Heero, yo Heero, he's dissin' your Gundam.... Yo Heero.... HEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOO!  
Q- Wow, that usually works.  
T-///_^ It's the cry of Relena. It always sets him off!  
Q,D,W,T- (snigger)  
W- Woah... We're dissin his Bitch and he's still calm. WOOOOOOOOOOOOw!  
D- Heero, Heero buddy (poke poke) You in there.  
H- -_-  
D- He-e-e-e-roooooo (poke poke)  
H- o_-  
D- Heeeeeewo..... (poke poke)  
H- U_U Quit poking me asshole.  
D- YYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! HEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWOOOOO ISN'T DEDED!  
Q- YAY! Go Duo!  
H- (punch) How about not go Duo.  
Q- You hit me.... O_O  
H- Well you deserved it.  
N- YOU HIT HIM! 0o0  
H- So?  
Q- You...You HIT me!  
H-.... Quat, you deserved it man, chill.  
R- Take a chill pill, dude.  
N- BUT FOR WHAT?  
R,N-(hysterics)  
Q- (trembling Lip) You actually hit me. That's like, trying to kill me...  
H- 0_0... You've done that to me before!  
Q- But I was under the effects of your fucking Gundam Asshole! (Sob)  
H-..........woah...  
Cast- GASP! QUATRE SWORE!  
N- TWICE!  
Q-... (tremble tremble........ Hysterical tears)  
H-.......sorry dude....  
Q- That's OK then! (huge doped up smile)  
N- (aside to LIJAH BABE!) You used one of Zeke's Biro's, didn't you?  
E- What can I say, they were a perk when I finished the film.  
H- O_o?  
D- I am confused as you are.  
N- Did no-one watch the Faculty? Zeke? Josh Hartnett?  
R- OOOO! He's nice... OMG my body was just taken over by KJ....  
N- BAD KJ! Taking over Ruth's body is a crime!  
R- Sorry... HEY!  
N- (glare) Anyway, is everyone here? ROLL CALL!  
H- 01  
D- 02  
T-///_-; 03  
Q- 04 (giggle)  
W- 05  
B- BEN!  
M- MARK!  
I- INGEBRIGSTEN! I mean, er, Christian... Chris.... CHRIS!  
P- -_-; PAUL!  
Cat- MEEEEEEOOOOOOOW!  
1)- Kelky da Fish!  
2) ELF! OOOOOOOO LEGOLAS!  
N- Legolas is not in the Rollcall!  
2)- Sorry  
3)- DR EVIL DUDE!  
N- When did you get here?  
3)- I've been here the whole time, smooching out back with my little convict...  
N- SCREWY!  
R- RUTHY SYAM AND RIFFAY!  
N- OOOOOOOOOH! Riffay rymes with Wuffay! Ruffay and Wuffay had a baby and called in Wuruffay!  
R- Don't go there. Oh by the way, Wu, I'm up the duff.  
W- (faint)  
Q- (hysterics)  
R- I was so kidding! MA Pill!  
N- Ruth, you're 14. Don't go there.  
R- -_- sowwy...  
C- CAZY!  
N- Wow Caz, you have been sooooooo quiet!  
C- yeah, well, I have been snuggling with Cwissy, that tends to keep me occupied.  
R- OH THE IMAGES!  
D- Aren't they...  
N- DUO! Hey, this is fuuuuuuuun! OOOOOO! Fuuin Saiki! HAHAH!  
H- -_-;  
N- MWHAHAH! Anyway, ehem, NATASHA LILI ALICE NATASHA TASHA TASSA TASSIA TASH TASHY WASHY SAPHI SAPPHIRE WINNER KITTY! (breathe) OK, well, I think that's all who are gonna turn up....  
E- (snivel) Elwood Lij and Monkey?  
N- ^_^ Of course!  
E- (blushy)  
D- (wretch)  
N- You seriously need to die.  
D- ;p  
N- (glare)  
D- eep...  
N- Now, where was I? Ah yes... I have got bored with backtrack Bu-fish.  
W- Oh the horror...  
N- So we is gonna skip to the present series. And we are gonna go straight into a scene where Buffay is deded.  
W- Oh the  
Q- Oh do shut up... WOW! I'm so Gilesish! (giggle)  
N- Ok, in the film you came down in like 5mins, Lij. How long is he gonna take?  
E- (sweatdrop) Erm... you look nice today.  
N-...... Go and sweep.  
E- (snivel)  
B- So are we getting Recast?  
N-... yes  
All- YYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!  
N- However, since i don't wanna change the name of this series, Kaja will remain as Bu-fish.  
All- OK!  
N- Roight, ehem, here are your new roles-  
Heero- Props  
Duo- Wander, oh sorry, Xander (Duo- ok, I can deal)  
Trowa- Mr Pointy  
Quatre- Tara  
Wu-fei- Oriental GILES! MWHAHAH! (w- It's better than the skirt...)  
Ben- Willow  
Mark- Cheif camera man  
Paul- Spike  
Christian- Coffee Boy  
Tammy- Make-up, oh, and Anya (L- WHY CAN'T I ESCAPE THE DUONESS!?)  
Caz- Chief Special Effects Laydee  
Ruth- Vampy Woman I am hereby creating coz Buffay currently is BORING!  
Cat- Dawn  
Tasha- I forfeit my role in the name of PC Drama (sob)  
Sara- Sound  
Kerry- Sets  
Steph- Costume  
Oh, and Lijah-Babe- Actor Counselling  
R- What about Tara? And why is a guy playing Willow?  
N- Quatre's Tara. Just for the fun.  
B- Let me get this straight...  
2)- Or Bent as the case may be...  
Q- I'm playing a girl...  
B- And not just any girl...  
B,Q- A WIERDO WITCHY LESBIAN  
B- And Quatre's  
Q- His partner?  
N- That about covers it ^_^  
2)- MWHAHAHHAHAH!  
N- Easy Tiger, or you swap in with Wu-fei.  
2)- EEP!  
N- Are we sorted?  
B- If sorted means happy, then no.  
Q- If you make me kiss Ben, I will be forced to go Zero.  
N- Will you hug Ben?  
Q- Will I get to shower lots afterwards?  
B- Huh?!  
Q- Admit it, like, you shower about once a month!  
B- NO! More like, three times ^_^  
Cast- EWWWWWWW!  
E- That's just gross...  
B- Hey, don't talk down to me just coz your ol,der than me!  
E- One, I'm only 11 months older, give or take a few days, and two, I'm stading on the floor, and your on the stage. For god's sake, I can see your nostril hair!  
Cast- (hysterics)  
D- He funni!  
H- Hee Hee...  
D- Just one more syllable Heero, and then you can introduce yourself!(punch)  
D- OWWY!  
B- Dya want me to go fetch your crutches?  
D- F U!  
N- Oh dear....  
  
The End is nigh, I fear my friends,  
no matter the fun, it always ends,   
I'm feeling poetic, I'm in the mood,   
and I've had just enough of fei's attitude!   
So let me end this, short and sweet,   
#over 7 pages, not that neat,  
The beggining of a new and colourful show,   
KTVS TV, that's all folks!  
  
Ehem, yes, and now thats all over...  
Will Steph ever stop being mean?  
Will Elijah ever get it through his thick head that he is an actor, not a janitor? (Hey, did yous ee him in Flipper? Int he sweeeeeeeeeeeet?)  
Will we ever get down to filming?  
Will there ever be a HTVWAS show? (Heero the vampire with a soul)  
Will this ever come to point?  
Will the Red Spangly Number ever be replaced? (nod from Ruth)  
Will the torment ever end? (shake head from Tasha)  
Will anyone ever Review the story damnit!? (This exempts my friends and KEEMEEW2. BTW, thankyou for being so faithful to my story, it will go sumwhere in the end... maybe)  
The answers to these questions and more will be in the fantastic all new fullcasted episode of....  
  
KAJA THE VAMPIRE SLAYER!!!  
  
This week sponsored by- Zeke's magic pens- Guaranteed to jack you up ;) 


	9. Chapter 8- KTVS er, goes home?

KTVS- er... goes home?  
Tasha walks into her house, which is very big, and has 666 bedrooms/rooms (cheesy grin). Anyway, she walks into the big room downstairs where everybody dwells for most of the time which is reaaaaaally big, like, bigger than a school hall and is all marbly and preety.... anyway, she walks in, and sees sitting in the seating area the G-boys (who were evicted), Elijah Wood, KJ, Ben (a1), the Cat, Ben's dog, The Dragon and Orly...  
N- hideedoody  
K-TASHA! (crazy waving) (whispers-) I eat cream eggs and Chupa Chups!  
N- (cheesy grin) lalallaa happy now  
K- WOOHOO! (pause) dum deedum dum dum colon dum dum dee dum dee dum (looks stoned.) heeheehehe (jumps out of chair as they r watching TV) OMG did u see a1 on the disney channel?  
N-no i was talking to caz all afternoon  
K- oooooh yaaaaaar  
N- then i had dinner and watched the tomas the tank engine movie and now im here  
K- ... aaaanyway  
N- (looks confused) whats wrong with tomas the tank engine?  
K-... ok i never thought id say this and u may want to write it down coz i dont think ill ever say it again but. . .BEN LOOKED BLOODY GORGEOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (hits head against sofa arm)  
N- thats nice. I've recorded that, you know?  
K- haha  
N- (opens bag and pulls out a piccy) Look at dis.... Midgey man...  
K- now lets change the subject before i hurt myself... eh? midgey man??  
N- (picks up KJ's story( her login on ff.net is paulsbabychica) and starts to read) in sequel, why is cordy on zeke's magic biros  
K- (evil grin) u'll see... (looks at piccy) HAHA!  
N- mmmmmmmmm luvin that pic i nicked today. (oogles at pic of OB with no top on) did u know kerry took the other one?  
K- midgey man! (giggle)  
N- ...  
K- (snaps out of it) Yeah I know!  
N- (giggle) (info about this pic- It was in the school printer, and there were 2 copies- so me and Kerry took em)  
K- someone is gonna be soooo p-oed on monday  
N- like a give a flying fuck! Anyway, she was admitting his gorgeyosoness on the way home  
K- he is though *drools*  
N- (looks through bag and pulls out another picture. She passes it to KJ) mmmmmmwhahaha  
K- ?  
N- me and caz have decided on sum orly goodness on sunday. We're gonna go see Black Hawk Down.  
K- (looks thoroughly uninterested) pauls a psycho  
N- (sweatdrop) yes, I know  
K- thats why cordy is on zekes magic biros (looks proud. Looks at piccy) AWWWWW BLESS!!! lickle lijah! (turns picture upside down and pouts) he had gay hair then  
N-yes... but... neva mind. i have more ikle lijah pics  
K- *&//@#!? (swears)  
N- but i won't show you them. (looks in bag again- It's a big blue bag made of Ben's trousers)i'll show you.... mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm*drool*  
K- (huggle)  
N-(snatch huggle)  
K-(gasp) (snatch huggle)  
h- (snatch huggle)  
O- (blinks in shock)  
K- hahah! closet homo! (thinks for a moment) ANGEL! ANGEL WANNABE!  
N- (pokes self in cheek)miget angel, like midget austin, and mini me  
K- (go to snatch huggle but then remember about spandex space so instead back away whimpering) hehe  
O- help....me  
T- (slaps heero) DISCIPLINE!  
K- Trowa!  
N- (looks horrified) WHAT IF HE PUTS OBBY IN SPANDEX SPACE!!!!!!  
T- (snatch huggle)  
O- (Screams)  
K- (snatch huggle)  
O- (keeps on screaming)  
K- (looks pissed)I LIVE WITH A LOAD OF HOMO PEEPS! KICK THEM OUT!  
O-(screams sum more)  
K- (MIDDLE FINGER TO TASHA)  
///_o (t-)- I learn by observation  
N- (snivel) what did i do!  
K- (thinks) hey this is just like being back at sysy's house of orgies! oh that reminds me...  
The KTVS god... worship me damnit! says:  
///_O?  
K- DUO!  
D- huh?  
K- build me a swimming pooooool... pweeze  
D- i dunno how  
K- dig  
D- d-ig?  
K- (thinks) (dig and vo-o-lley) (looks at Duo (who is blatantly blonde on the inside)) .......... (picks up trowa and starts hitting duo with him) DOG...... (thinks about what she just said)HAHA! dog... dogs is funni. doggy!  
holly- wuf?  
cat- WRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! (runs awaaaaaaaaaay)  
K- ehem (looks at Cat, who is now hanging from the ceiling light) sozdee  
cat-*claws dog in cross shape* punishment...  
K- haha! skill...........i neeeeed a swimming pooooool!  
N- Why?  
K- I WANNA SEE IF DA WU-FISH CAN SWIIIIIIM!.... i am owed a scientific (cringes at the long word) experiment daaaaaammit! (glares a bb (also known at B-tard Ben))  
H- ya know, if you people stopped ignoring me and poking me, and slapping me *glares at trowa* you'd realise through my extreme military training, i have super human strength  
Q- ooooooooooo! like super man!  
N- super man wears his pants on the outside of his trousers  
K- do yooooooooou?  
Q- ....trou-sers? only kidding, but I don't think heero wears pants. I think he just wears spandex.  
O- (scream)  
E- (snigger* *pushes heero out of chair and sits down)  
K- (gasp)........... aaaaaaaaanyway........ I WANNA SWIMMING POOL AND I WANT IT NOW! (stamps foot)  
h- i can't belive you haven't asked me yet  
w- everybody hates you, no one's gonna ask for your help  
w- (grumble) injustice (grumble)  
K- CHRISTIAN SAY INJUSTICE!  
I- (pokes head out of secret lab) in-just-ice?  
K- quiet! ehem  
E- duo, get me some food  
O- (still screaming)  
K- shut up man! (kicks obby)  
O- (snivel)  
Q- YOU KICKED HIM! that's like, trying to kill him!  
K- I'LL KICK U NEXT BOYO! why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why is da e-man back?  
O- (snivel)  
E- baftas on sunday  
K- oh right cooli!  
Q- (shuddering in annoyance) don't push me bitch or I'll go zero... (glare)  
///_O (dives behind couch)  
K- (looks preety pissed) BITCH?! U LITTLE HOMO! (hides behind obby whilst saying this)  
Q- (blank expression falls on face- eyes go heero ified. Sandrock bursts through walls and starts slashing stuff up)  
Q- say that again, man-bitch.  
K- MAN BITCH?!?! thats better  
sandyrock- *slashy*  
K- geez like get it right the furst time dude! (thinks about what she just said) furst!  
Q-?  
K- (gets a pencil and writes it on the wall) that is so the way we should be spelling first. furst... makes way more sense.  
Q- (calms down- eyes go quatre ified. Quatre faints)  
K-(kicks quatre)  
O- (snigger)  
sandrock- (leaves)  
K- BYEBYE!  
N- (kicks kj)  
K- (kicks tasha)  
N- (pulls out marker pen) PUNISHMENT!  
K- NOOO! (pulls out wanky (also known as a big chew bar)  
fuuin Saiki- MWHAHAHH!.....  
K- (hits Tasha with wanky) DISCIPLINE!  
N- (picks up trowa) DISOBEDIENCE!  
K- (picks up duo) BAD MAN!  
E- this is getting out of hand  
N- this is so much fun!  
K- (picks up orly) HUGGLE!  
N- (snatch and huggle)  
B-TARD B- should we stop them?  
E- no. Duo, get up and get out the mud wrestling pit  
K- . . .  
D- (dirty grin)  
N- (looks ill) i'm ready to stop now (poke poke)  
K- (picks up elijah and throws him out the window) (frown) i am not heero  
H- I AM!  
K-so u are! (sweatdrop)  
E- *climbing back in* now that was heightist discrimination!  
K- (thinks- looks at Heero) hey! can u build me a swimming pool?  
H- (thinks)   
K- seeing as ur like super man  
H- no  
K- (gasp)  
H- (mometarily stiffens up, then grins) only kididng!  
K- AHO. . .very good  
H- hiho, hiho, its off to build we go... *attempts to whistle as he disappears into basement*  
EVIL ROBOT SAPHI- come here...  
H- ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! (door slams)  
K- HAHAHAHAHA! Heero's never coming back. . .  
N- HEERO! BUILD IT IN THE GARDEN!  
K- (sigh) oh well  
K- no more spandex (shudder) space (shudder)  
H- (exits basemnt, covered in scatches, bruises and lipstick marks) OK! hiho, hiho.....  
O- (screams)  
K- (sweatdrop) oh jebus  
E- (Smiles at heero's dopeyness and tosses a biro) works every time  
jebus- you rang?  
K- hey everyone its jebus!....and those are MY biros short arse!  
everyone- (awe)  
E- (glare)  
K- oooooommmmmmm  
Q- WHO THE F*** IS JEBUS!? (faint)  
K- jebus is jesus' brother (nods head) (kicks quatre)  
Q- oh (faint)  
T- (kicks KJ)  
K- (kicks quatre)  
N- (kicks kj)  
K- (kicks trowa)  
///_o- (kicks KJ and Tasha using his trusty straddle jump)  
K- (sniff)  
N- owwwy (huggle)  
K- BAD BAD MAN!  
O- (stops screaming)  
K- (pouts)  
///_o- i am trowa  
K- (claps) well done  
///_o Tengo pelo  
K- bien  
D- (jumps out of know where onto Trowa, weilding a Razor)  
K- *sigh* no tengo pelo  
O_O- EEP!  
-_- (looks in trousers) Tengo un pene  
W- Trowa's pene son muy pequeno  
K-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!.... (looks disgusted) wuffy how the hell do u know???  
dragon - groooooooooooowl* (Wu-fei no tiene un pene)  
K- ah sí  
W- i did laundry rounds this morning and saw his underwear.. HEY! that is so not true! its.... THIS BIG!  
K- (looks doubtful)  
W- (spreads arms a little further) no.. THIS BIG!  
K- but u wear such tight trousers....i should know im wearing them!  
W- I use it as a belt  
O- (faint)  
K- WHAT?!  
N- (huggle ressuscitate)  
B-TARD B- TASHA!  
N- yes?  
W- I have mount fuji in my pants (cheesy grin) i'm just discreet about it so as not to make maxwell look bad with his pixie american dick.  
K- WHAT WITH BELTS AND SPANDEX SPACE. . .UR ALL WARPING MY FRAGILE LITTLE MIND!  
H- hiho, hiho, its back from work i go  
K- heehee pixie dick (laughs and points at duo)  
H- *goes blue trying to whistle*  
K- wow that was quick!  
D- *covers crotch and sidles into kicthen*  
H- hehheeheeeheheheheheheh *falls over* ooooooooo showdown....  
E- *sweatdrop* ehehhehehe....  
K- (looks sincerly pistachioed) NO! THEY ARE MY BIROS MAN! MIIIIIINE!  
E- *pokes out tongue*  
N- i feel like my nose is going to explode  
K- (middle finger @ Heero)  
O- please don't explode it over me  
K- (looks ill) gross tasha-man!  
N- (huggle) ok (walks over to Ben)  
B-TARD B- (screams and hides behind quatre)  
Q- (screams and hides behind the dragon)  
dragon- (growls and hides behind ben)  
K- (pout)my head hurts!  
B-TAD B- (elbows dragon)  
dragon- (fries ben)  
N- I'm not really gonna explode over anyone, it justs feels really weird  
K- oh good.....heehee fried ben  
B-TARD B- you could have told me that (choke)  
K- HA HA!  
dragon- (eats fried ben)  
N- OI! Drrrrrrrrrrrrop it...  
dragon- *does as told and drops fried dragon slobber covered ben)  
K- (does funkay dance)HAHAHAH GO DRAGON GO DRAGON GO. . .oh (kicks ben)  
B-TARD B- (smacks KJ over head with Trowa) discipline! (kicks KJ)  
K- AGH! (punches bb)  
-_-(snivel)  
BTARD B- (throws KJ at Elijah) WRARGH!  
E- eep! (catches KJ)  
K- AAAAGGGGGHHHHH! GET IT OFF OF MEEEEEE!  
E- (squeals and drops kj)  
O- (snigger)  
N- (huggle)  
K- oh u are goin down bb!  
-_- (snivel)  
B-TARD B- (grin)  
*see dreams part 2, Kaja beating up ben*  
B-TARD B- (cries like a baby and calls his mommy)  
bbmommy- WWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!  
K-haha!  
bbmommy- (evil soul penetrating glare)  
K- o oh (attempts running awaaaay!)  
everyone cept KJ- (vanish)  
dragon- (frightened growl)  
K- (pout) oh thats mean  
E- (peeps out from under sofa)  
bbmommy- (wields bowl of veggies)  
K- NO HELP! SHES GONNA MAKE ME EAT VEGGIES!  
E- where are my darn red shoes... i wish i was back in iowa, i wish i was back in iowa...  
K- (sigh) stupid boy  
bbmommy- (shoves veggies down kj's throat) hmph!  
K- jhbsdjhdmndfjhfdsasjyjhfdshgasjhdasjhdasdasdas!  
bbmommy- (leaves)  
everyone- (reappears)  
K- (cough) choking! (sigh) i hate u guys  
E- (vanishes)  
K- (sigh) stupid boy  
ghostly voice that sounds like lijah- (SHIT! The Baftas!)  
K- dont make me repeat myself. . .again  
O- (huggle kj) soz for leaving  
K- ok i dont hate uuu (huggle)  
N- (looks immensley excited and starts waving arms about) that is a line in the ednless waltz...... group hug! with just me and orly! (pushes kj off him and huggle)  
K- (looks pissed)  
O- (doesn't care)  
-_- I'm all alone... theres nobody to be my toupee...  
K- aww *huggles trowa* OWCH MY EYE!  
-_- i haven't got any hair you fooool  
///_O!!!  
K- SINCE WHEN?! oh...right...yes...hmm...  
O_O that was only a fleeting dream.... (sigh)  
Q- (flaps like fish out of water)  
K- hey! can ya swim quatre? coz like. . .fish man  
Q- i can do everything! I am....SPOILT LITTLE RICH KID WHO HAD LESSONS IN EVERYTHING!  
O- Can you do archery?  
Q- (pout) no that's trieze's deal...  
O- HAHHHAH! IN YOUR FACE! (does funkay dance)  
K- (ignores obby) can ya fly?   
Q- (nod) OH SAAAAAAAAAAAAAANDROCK!  
K- hey thats the line outta sequel right b4 u die tash! ...i think  
sandrock- (picks up quatre and flies around room (its a very big room))  
K- (rolls eyes) well thats original, like "don't make me repeat myself, again" is a line out of EW  
N- (pees about on Heero's lap top) (gasp) ejw is down!  
K- ejw is down. . .is that meant to be english?  
all- (shrug and look at Tasha)  
N- (groan) ejw- elijahwood.com  
K- whoops.... (looks at everyone) wasn't me....  
N- (looks in bag and swoons) oooooooorlypics  
K- haha  
N- (passes kj sum pics)  
K- (swoon) mmmmmmmmmm  
N- mmmmmmmmmm  
K- (looks at a certain pic) scary man! (whisper) he looks scary like that!  
N- (slumps in chair) hes a poser. He always poses with his mouth open. (looks in bag sum more) oh buggering hell another goldfish pic  
K- heehee goldy fishay! (thinks for a moment) HEY! can obby swim? coz u know. . .fishay  
O- (jumps in pool and sucessfully swims)  
K- (claps) (dons diving instructor outfit thingy) all of u in the pool! first one to drown gets a huggle (blows whistle)  
H- (looks put out)  
O- (takes bow)  
Q- (leaps in pool and sucessfully swims)  
H- (floats, face down, not breathing)  
K- hahaha!  
D- i ain't gettign my hair wet  
B-TARD B- me neither  
E- (reappears 10 feet above pool and bellyflops)  
K- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 10 million points for the short arse!  
N- (pokes cheek) i have a picture of orly in pink  
E- (drowns)  
K- . . .NOOOOOO!. . .dont look at me im not getting my hair wet either!  
E- (still drowning)  
dragon- (fishes him out)  
K- (pushes him back in)  
N- (pokes cheek so much that it goes all whitey pink) i have decided that orli is zoolander  
H- *burble*  
E- *drown*  
K- haha! yeah with all the posing and stuff...  
B-TARD B- (looks at pool) that is so mean  
N- (looks at pool)AAAAARGH! (dives in after elijah)  
K- what?!?! oh right...(sits in heero's chair)  
N- (floats) i sooo cannot dive  
K- WUFFY! get ya butt in el poolo!  
W- no  
K- heehee, yes  
W- your sitting on me  
K- oh, ehem soz (gets off wuffy) 


	10. Chapter 9 I'm baaack!

N- HOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIYA! IM BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! Did ya miss me?  
K-… no  
N- You shuddup…. Neway, I'm back now, with huuuge apologies for my absence.   
I've had severe writers block. Heres a list of amendments.  
1) All bitches are hereby banned. Screw off Caz! *kicks Caz up the ass and out the   
door*  
2) Paul died. He quit A1. He can f off. *kicks Paul*  
3) A few more random anime characters will undoubtedly turn up. *ogles at bootiful   
kaworu…*  
  
N- Kay, that's it. Here's the list of peoples now in this show!  
  
N- Me, Natasha  
K- Kaja  
T- Tam  
S- Steph  
*random symbols*- Kerry  
R- Ruthy! (gotta love her)  
  
H- Heero  
D- Duo  
///_o- Trowa  
Q- Quatty babe  
W- Wuffly  
  
Cat- Rosie  
Bella/Hollie/Cleo- One of my other cats  
  
B- Ben  
M- Mark  
C- Christian  
  
Any other new peeps will be named as their names. Eh?  
  
Here we go…  
  
The KTVS stage. All is quiet. The Dust has settled on the Buffy props. The doors are   
all ajar, motionless….  
  
??- UYgdhgkrhbqouvbhfolawhflfhbsvvsvsdolsp *thrashes*  
Jamesray- ksuhaejhslvssojlanspjnviskneliusjjnsdv;s;!!  
?|k/- lkjhswlgplihsw;!!!!  
Cat- *groan* Shall I actually turn on the music?  
??- Oh yar…. Damn.  
Cat- *groan*  
M-*enters* DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE! Paul made one serious, like, booboo man!  
C- YEAH MAN! Man, that was so, like, dumbass stupid manlike of him, man!  
M- MAN!  
C- MAN, LIKE, MAN!  
M/C- *glare at each other*  
K- Pathetic…  
T- Uhuh.  
*there is a pause*  
K- WTF ARE WE DOING HERE?!?!?!?!?!  
Cat- *sigh* James and Kerry are practising for Kerry's music thing, and I was…   
looking for…  
W- DO NOT SAY THE NAME!!! *falls out of random closet!*  
All- *die*  
W- *pant pant* You, ungrateful mog, deserve to die for losing my darling! HOW   
DARE YOU!  
Cat- *sigh* go redraw your hair on, loser. I'm so over that doll. I just wanted to find it   
coz Bella misses Gus and maybe that dumb doll will shut her up.  
W- *blink blink* INJUSTICE!!! *storms off to suck thumb in private*  
K- …. Eh?  
R- *falls out of random closet* Wow….  
D- *falls out of closet* teeheehehehehhehehehe!  
K- Oh holy f*** no!  
R-… I luv you *wink wink*  
K-… OH HOLY F*** NO!  
Cat- Pathetic humans, submitting to their sexual needs.  
///_- Just coz you're castrated.  
Cat- *sidles off in misery*  
K- OI! WHY THE HELL ARE WE HERE!?  
R- YEAH! I'm missing Cardcaptors!  
All- *die*  
Unidentified booming voice- You are all here because I summoned you here, and coz   
my darling Keemew2 is dying without an update!  
K- TASSA!  
N- *walks in* that wasn't me! That was *goes all googly* *sigh* the sweet voice of   
an angel…  
KaworuNagisa- Am I done yet?  
N- *huggle* nope.  
KaworuNagisa-… You do realise I'm Gay, an Angel and dead, right?  
N-… just shuddup and hold still *huggle*  
Q- *glare* how dare he……. *muses on all the painful rib breaking tassa huggles he's   
received in the past*  
H- *attempts to drag Ben in by hair* eh?  
B- HAHAHAH! YOU FOOOOOOL! I cut my hair off!! MWHAHAHAHHAH!  
H- *sadistic grin* *drips miracle grow on bens head* You suck *drags him in by   
hair*  
B- *gasp!* TROWA!!  
///_0 BEN!  
*they run to each other and embrace*  
B- here, footstool!  
H- *sweatdrop/groan/die* woof…. *reluctantly goes and sits by them.*  
--If anyone isn't following, Ben and Trowa-kun are gay 2gether, and I sold Heero to   
them as their trusty barking footstool in return of a…. (Kj covers wu-fei's ears)…   
lizard egg…--   
-- wu-fei broke up with Sally the Dragon—  
--(kj hits tassa for saying the evil word)—  
K- Can we get on with it, before Ruth starts humping Kaworu's leg?  
N- ehem, yes. I called you all here for a good reason. KTVS is dead.  
Random person-   
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *screams* 8commits suicide off a bridge*  
All- *look around themselves*  
N-*shrug* neway, I'm not laying you all off though. You will be gainfully employed   
in the new ktvs all year comedy pantomimey dumbass thing where we take the piss   
out of movies, anime and life in general! *breathe*  
W- So KTVSAYCPDTWWTTPOOMAARL then?  
N-… yes.  
W- roight.  
R- So were not doing Buffy anymore?  
N-… no.  
R- YAY! Buffay is sheeeeeeeeeet!  
All- MIKO!!!! (one day everyone will understand the glory of miko)  
N- Well, now that's organised, I'll tell you your jobs.  
  
N/K/R/D/Q/B/Cat- Full time actors.  
S(when she gets back form sick leave)/-)@~~/ ///_- -behind the scenes cru (big it up)  
W/M/C/H- Cameras  
Ne1 else… whatever I decide at the time. So there.  
  
N- Any questions?  
Q-*puts up hand* are still doing a KTVS carol? Coz I liked being narrator VV_^V  
N- Yes. I'm getting to work on the new chapter soon. LOOK OUT FOR IT IN   
DECEMBER!  
K- OMG!!!   
T- *startled* What?!  
K- I GOTTA GO RESCUE TOGEPI…. I mean Heero….  
B- Ain't gonna happen. Me and luvbunny here need our footstool.  
H- Help…me…  
K-*evil glare at the homo peeps*… *except Kaworu*  
N- Right… I have work for you guys to do.  
Q- Really? Good, coz duo tapped out my credit last week on Ice cream…  
D- IT WAS A SPECIAL ON BEN AND JERRYS!!! WHAT WAS I MEANT TO   
DO!?!?!??!  
R- *pats arm* easy does it… I'll calm you down later…  
All- *gasp* CORIN!! (one day you will all understand the glory of Corin)  
K- *slaps ruffy* Don't fall in love!  
N- What she said *glare*  
R- *is afraid*  
N- Oh god, the KTVS viewers have missed out on toooooooooo many private jokes…  
K- And who's fault is that, eh? *glare*  
N- *sweatdrop* ehehehee…. Anyway, WORK!  
ElijahWood- YAY!  
N- *kick* get off my stage! I won't start fancying you again until the trailers for the   
Two towers come out, dumbass!  
OrlandoBloom- but…  
N- *glare* you too…  
R-*sigh* see what I have to put up with?  
N- Ruthy, stop knowing on my arm.  
R- Sozdee.  
N- NEWAY!!! We are going to do a very special opening clip show!  
All- WOW!  
M- MAN! COOOOOOOOOOOL MAN!  
I- YEAH MAN!  
Blazinarmy- BIGITUPINNIT!  
N-…  
Blazinarmy-… *sidle off stage*  
N- However, I dunno what to do! Please can everyone who reads this desperate plea   
submit ideas for dumbass clips for us to act out and undoubtedly screw up via email   
(saphiw@hotmail.com) or via review. Do you want these poor souls to be employed?   
Do you want to force Quatre to wear the same shirt AGAIN?!?!?!  
All-*gasp*  
N- Do you want me to be forced to feed my cat economy cat food??!?!?  
All- *GASP*  
Cat- I will kill Bella if you try and feed me that shit.  
Bella- *is afraid*  
N- *sigh* Do you want Wu-fei to run out of markers to draw his hair on with and be   
BALD?!?!?  
W- ARGH! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
K- That could be very amusing…  
N- NO IT WOULDN'T! What would ruthy hold onto in passionate moments with   
him.  
R- oh please, I'm not that low.  
N- please refer back to KTVS chapter 6 or summat for proof that Ruthy is that low.   
DO YOU WANT ME TO BE ABLE TO EMPLOY MORE BOOTIFUL   
BISHOUNEN?!?!?  
Dilandau- Yes. My guymelif got busted. Ehehehe ^_^  
R- *drool*  
N- *locks dilandau and kaworu away* You two better behave in there. If you care   
about KTVS, and all your fav bishies, please submit stuff to meeeeeeee and it will be   
done!  
KaworuNagisa- Oh Dilandau…  
N- OI!  
  
WILL KTVS CONTINUE?  
WILL KAWORU REALLY SCREW DILANDAU?  
WILL RUTH EVER LEAVE THE GUTTER? (Ruthy-heck f***ing no)  
WILL KAI EVER COME ON THE SHOW? (N-if you submit he will. I can make   
him. He owes me rent *giggle*)  
IT WILL ALL BE ANSWERED IN THE NEXT EXCITING EPISODE OF  
KTVSAYCPDTWWTTPOOMAARL!!  
  
Sponsored this week by Wime… I mean Wine… 


	11. Chapter 10 I actually managed 10 chapter...

KTVS AT HOME!!!  
  
Skit 1- Kai's webiste  
  
KaiHiwatari- Kai from Beyblade  
D- Duo  
K- KJ  
N- Tasha  
W- Wufei  
R- Ruthy  
Cat- Rosie  
Bella- Bella  
Seiyathehemaphrodite- Seiya the Sailor Star hermaphrodite uggy person from sailor moon  
  
KaiHiwatari- *click click*  
D- What ya doing kaikybabe?  
KaiHiwatari- F*** off homo freak. *click click*  
D- *pout* I'm not homo… *bogs off back to the kitchen*  
KaiHiwatari- *click click* *sigh* There.   
-Kai looks at his finished webpage  
"This is Kai's site. You all suck. Dranzer kicks ass. *no background*"  
KaiHiwatari- *grin* Excellent.   
-Kai goes off to his bedroom  
D- *looks around* Hmm… *sneaks over to Kai's website* Wooooooooooooow… god that's dull…  
  
5 mins later  
  
D- THERE! IT IS COMPLETED!  
"This is Kai's website. Duo rules. Watch Shin Chan or die by Deathscythe's hand! *dancing Duo gifs*"  
D- Teehee!  
K- OI! WHERES MY CAKE?!?!?  
D- Oops… COMING! *runs off to get Kaja cake.  
Cat- *blink blink* Duo actually learnt to type? Wow… hey, let's see what he did. *walks over to screen* What the heck is this shit?! I can't leave that up! It's an insult to the glory of the internet!  
  
5 mins later  
  
Cat- Phew. Well at least it ain't shit no more…  
"*cat background* This is Kai's website. Buy a kitty. Feed it fudge and cookies and Spaghetti or I'll scratch ya. *dancing duo gifs being clawed by cat gifs*"  
N- Rosie! Where's Bella?  
Cat-… I'd better go let her out. *runs off*  
W- *peers out from behind a door.* A website, hmm? I bet its all… unjustified. I'd better check it out… *sits down and looks at computer* eeew! It's all kawaii! I gotta fix that!  
  
5 mins later  
  
"This is Kai's website. Wu-fei rules. He has great hair and fashion sense and Nataku rocks ass. Deathscythe is a poopy head. Ruth is shallow. Rock out to the sounds of the spike fiddle! *Nataku gifs killing duo and kitty gifs*"  
W- MWHWHWHAHHAHAHAHHAHA! I have won! This website is now far greater than any other! Oh… *looks at the background* hmmm… well, since this Kai's website… *puts a pic of Rei on the background* that's Kai… I think… hmm… he spends so much time in his room, I forgot what he looks like. Oh well… *skips off whistling*  
R- Shallow?!?! I'll show him… ooooh! WEBSITE!!!  
  
5 mins later  
  
"This is Kai's website. Ruthy is NOT SHALLOW!!! Wu-fei has a pixie dick and can't get it up for love or money. Seiya is a sexy beast. Kaworu needs a good humping. Dilandau is yummy. Vote Ruth! *Shin Chan background*. Seiyathehemaphrodite gifs wiggling its ass at the other gifs*"  
R- YAY! Tasha is gonna be so jealous. I got a webpage, and she haaaaasn't! HAHAHAHA! *runs off in spasmatic frenzy*  
N- Damn eccentrix… *looks at screen* holy shit that's painful… Hey, isn't this Kai's website? Shouldn't HE be updating it? Eh? I need Cake… *walks off, nursing eyes*  
Bella- TAAAAAAAASHA! ROSIE TIED ME UP AND… hey, look, a website! I'm sure no one will mind if I play about a bit… besides, everybody loves me… hehehehehe…  
  
A while later  
  
Bella- I really need to invest in opposable thumbs. There.  
"*pink background, cherub gifs everywhere* This is Kai's website. Abyssinian cats are sweet, Tortoiseshelly cats are neat, don't overlook you beloved pet, buy her treats and see what you get! *Cherubs carrying the other gifs*"  
Bella- Pweety! That's great.  
Cat- What are you doing!?! *dive bombs Bella off the chair* *cat fight ensues*  
N- What the…?  
K- WHAT'S GOING ON! I AM TRYING TO EAT CAKE HERE!?!?!?  
R- Yeah… me too…  
Seiyathehemaphrodite- I am not cake.  
R- Shuddup babe.  
Cat- Bella messed up my website!  
D- YOUR WEBSITE? That's mine!  
R- No! It's mine!  
W- In the name of great justified Nataku, it's mine!  
Bella- It's mine!  
KaiHiwatari- What the beep is going on? I'm trying to watch Sailor moon here!  
N- The dumbass pricks are fighting over the website!  
KaiHiwatari- What website?  
All- *twiddle thumbs* yours.  
KaiHiwatari- WHAT?!?  
Bella/Cat- *cat fight into computer*  
All- OH NO!  
KaiHiwatari- *runs to computer* ARGH!  
"This Kai's website. Dranzer died by deathscythes Abyssinian. Wu-fei has fudge. Ruthy is a sexy beast. You all hand poopy head. *rei/shin chan/pink/cat background. Gifs all over the blimmin place*"  
KaiHiwatari- WTF DID YOU DO TO MY WEBSITE!?  
D-… nothing…  
KaiHiwatari- *launches beyblade* DRANZER! FIRE SPIN EVERYONE!  
N- *Dives out of the way*  
All- ARGH!  
  
Later…  
  
"This is eccentrix.com. We have had to terminate your website and membership because your website was THE most offending article we have ever seen."  
KaiHiwatari- *sigh* stupid people…  
D/Cat/Bella/R/W- *fried*  
N- Why do I have to put up with this?  
K- Coz you own a house. Cake?  
N- No thanx. Rei sent me some special cake yesterday *giggle*  
K- Oh dear lordy…  
  
This KTVS short is sponsored by Dranzer's Kentucky fried Phoenix. Good with anything.  
Dranzer- Expecially Dragoon!  
Dragoon- X_X  
  
  
Skit 2- Happy Birthday Quatre-kins  
  
N- Natasha (me!)  
K- KJ  
R- Ruthy  
D- Duo  
H- Heero  
Q- Quatre  
///_- Trowa  
W- Wuffy  
Rendle- Rendle (the horse)  
KaiHiwatari- Kai from bb  
Rei- Rei from bb  
B- Ben  
M- Mark  
C- Cristian  
PaulMarazzi- … him…  
SakuraKinomoto- Cardcaptor Sakura  
Tomoyo- Tomoyo (Madison) from CCS  
ShaoranLi- Shaoran (li) from CCS  
MrKinomoto- Sakura's dad  
RhiannonJenkins-… *sigh* Rhiannon  
KaworuNagisa- Kaworu (sexy beast) from Eva  
Dilandau- Dilandau form escaflowne  
Seiyathehemaphrodite- Seiya the Sailor Star from Sailor Moon  
  
All- HAPPY BIRTDAY!  
Q- WOW! *squeals* You threw a party. For me?  
N- yup, honey, it's all for you. *locks keemew2 in a closet* *huggle Quatre* *sadistic laughter*  
Q- You all came! Duo! You came too? *huggle duo*  
D-… man, are you crying?  
Q- *sniffle* no, I'm just happy that everyone came.  
D- I didn't come. I just happen to live here. And I need to cook the birthday dinner so…  
N- no ya don't.  
D-… you're cooking it then?  
N-… no.  
D- *eyes well up* you hired a chef?  
N-… no  
D- *confused* you hired Rashid?! He cooks mankass Arabian food.  
Q- *glare*  
N-… No.  
D-… then how come I'm not cooking dinner?  
SakuraKinomoto- Hiya!  
Q- *pushes Duo over* SAKURA! *hugs Sakura* How's you?  
SakuraKinomoto- Just fine thank you! *blushy*  
Q- *grin* *goes off to greet other guests*  
SakuraKinomoto- *sigh* *whispers* sorry Yukito… Quatre-saaaaamaaaa…. Mmm…. *drool*  
ShaoranLi- Oi! Where's the food! I heard there was to be food!  
N- It's not cooked yet, honey. *pats him on the head*  
ShaoranLi- *goes to call thunder*  
N- I wouldn't do that if I were you. Since I'm the author, I can do anything I damn want to you faster than you can say element lightning!  
W- *fried by lightning*… ARGH!  
N- Whoops!... *thinks demonic thoughts* *grins* Or.. Tiger Claw…  
W-… YEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWCH!  
N- hehehhehehehhee  
ShaoranLi-… roight. When will there be food? I'll come back then.  
N- *grin* I have a one way force field around my house. You're just going to have to enjoy yourself.  
ShaoranLi- I doubt it… *sees Quatre* *gawk*…. Quatre-sama….  
KaworuNagias- *sidles onto the scene* You don't want him, little boy…  
ShaoranLi- I don't?  
KaworuNagisa- No… *sadistic grin* You are just attracted the power of his empathy…   
ShaoranLi- I see… *looks at Kaworu* *gawk*  
KaworuNagisa-… come, my budding homosexual, let me instruct you…. *leads Li away*  
N-… Maybe I shouldn't have invited Kaworu.  
Q- Tasha! Help! There's something attacking my leg!  
TomoyoD- *gnaws Quatre's leg* YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY BOOTIFUL SAKURA-CHAN!  
N- oh lordy…  
  
R- *sets up sign* "BEAUTIFUL BISHOUNEN, COME INTO RUTHY'S PALACE OF LURVE…." *door leads to a closet*  
D- *walks around aimlessly* Why aren't I cooking… I always cook… Who's gonna cook…. *grabs shaoran by the shirt* ARE YOU GONNA COOK?!?!  
ShaoranLi- Eeeep!  
KaworuNagisa- *snatch* You leave my new sex toy alone. And of course he's not cooking. His hands will be dirty.  
D-… *shudder* *looks over shoulder through crowds of random bishies*  
Q- Good evening Mr Kinomoto, do come in.  
MrKinomoto- Why thank you Quatre, and Happy birthday. I brought the cooking supplies…  
D- *vision goes red* grrrr…  
K- OMG!  
D- huh? *snaps out of it*  
K- I FORGOT TO SAVE TOGEPI… I mean… HEERO!... ah… I'll do it tomorrow.  
N- Liar.  
K- :p  
N- *groan*  
PaulMarazzi- *bangs on forcefield*  
N- BANISHMENT! …. STORM ATTACK!  
Seiyathehemaphrodite- *sucked away by random tornado*  
R- HEY! I WAS USING THAT!  
N-… whoops…  
PaulMarazzi- *bangs on forcefield*  
N-… lets keep it simple… *gives him the finger*  
PaulMarazzi- *leaves*  
N-… roight…   
W-… medical… aid…  
N- Well, I used to have a medical dra-  
K- DON'T SAY IT! *huggles Wu-fei head*  
N-… why is Wu-fei's head in your whotzits?  
K-… It's comfy.  
W- *giggle*  
N- *rolls eyes* perv.  
  
D- *sneaks after Mr Kinomoto.  
R- HEY! DUO!  
D- meh?  
R- Wanna come into my house of lurve?  
D- *rolls eyes* Bin there, dunnit. I gotta go assassinate Mr Kinomoto.  
R- … COOL!  
Dilandau-… dinner… candles… fire *twitch*  
R- You do that, Dilly-babe… I'm gonna go plan an assassination.  
Dilandau- *twitch*  
D-… creepy… *ruthy and duo sneak off after Mr Kinomoto*  
  
B- IM HERE!  
///_^ Hi  
M- MANTASTIC! A PARTY!  
I- WITH, LIKE, BALLOONS!  
I/M- MANTASTIC, MAN!  
I/M- *glare at one another*  
H-… help… me… ruff…  
B- He's so adorable! Oo, I know the word for that! Kawaii!  
///_^ I love you Benjamin  
B- I know, Trowa-kun, I know.  
///_- We still need to revise suffixes.  
B-… kay. Footstool! Bark.  
KaiHiwatari- I was designed with this guy in mind, and he's a f***ing footstool. F*** that! *storms off* *swish swish*  
Rei- KAI! Come back! No one else knows about beyblading… must… talk… about blading… hey Wu-fei!  
W- *bandages self up* bastard random evil attacky… things… injustified b-tards… yeah…  
Rei-……….. roight.  
N- WATCH IT! THIS IS A FRAGILE VASE! That does it…. Grrr!  
W- Oh fuck. *liquid metal rod shoots through Wu-fei* ARGH!  
Dilandau-… MWHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA! *twitch* Don't leave me alone! *twitch*…. *twitch*  
N- Must… control… urge to steal… random… anime… attacks!  
Q- WOW! A MOTORSCOOTER!... I'll give it to the needy. WOW! A DVD PLAYER!... meh, I'll give to the needy.  
SakuraKinomoto- Here's my gift.  
Q- *opens it gingerly*A card?  
SakuraKinomoto- yeah… *giggle* It's the glow card. I… hear your afraid of the dark… which I find strangely titillating… ehehehehe… *blushy*  
Q-… that's really thoughtful of you Sakura, thank you *goes to give a peck on the cheek…*  
Tomoyo- RARGH! *dives between them and sinks teeth into Quatre's ear*  
Q- ARFSKGYIFAKDGOK!! *swings Tomoyo around in frenzied panic* HELP!  
N- I'll save you! BEAM CANNON!  
W- HAVEN'T I SUFFERED ENOUGH??!?!??! *is blasted into oblivion*  
K- Question.  
N- Yar.  
K- Why is it that Seiya got attacked?  
N- Coz I was looking at gayass bastard pauly man.  
K- He's bootiful!  
N- He's a traitor. Go on.  
K-… kay. Question.  
N- yar.  
K- Why dya keep f***ing with 'fei?  
N-… coz it is amusing.  
K-… kay. Question.  
N- Yar.  
K- WHY ARE YOU STEALING RANDOM ANIME ATTACKS IN THE FIRST PLACE?!???!?  
N-… I do not know… *will young face*  
K- argh…  
  
D- shh..  
R- shh what?  
D- I don't wanna be conspicuous!  
R- Duo, we're in your Gundam. I tink that kinda gives us away.  
D-… oh.  
R- Ya think we can pull this off, jus the two of us?  
D-… why?  
R- Well, it's bloodthirsty murder! We need someone demented, freakish, and…….. GERMAN!  
D- Hilde?  
R- No!  
RhiannonJenkins- Hello.  
D- PSYCHO LADY! ARGH!  
R- easy big boy…  
RhiannonJenkins- IM FINALLY IN KTVS! IM FINALL IN KTVS! WHAHOOO!  
D- SHHHH!  
RhiannonJenkins- eh?  
R- We're trying to be inconspicuous and scout out our evil villain man who's stealing Duo's manhood… I mean job.  
RJ/D- …  
R-… yes.  
RhiannonJenkins- Anyway…  
R- LETS SPY!  
All- *peer in through kitchen window*  
  
Mr Kinomoto- dumdeedum *prepares top quality cuisine expertly*  
Q- GET THIS DEMENTED CHILD OFF MY EAR GODDAMNIT!  
Mr Kinomoto- *waves chocolate in front of tomoyo's face*  
Tomoyo- *gasp* I CAN GIVE THIS TO SAKURA-CHAN! EAT SHIT, WINNER! *runs off like demnted sheep*  
Q-… thanks Mr Kinomoto…  
  
RhiannonJenkins-… what a stupid bastard!  
R- eh?  
RhiannonJenkins- I wanted to see Quatre get his ear ripped off!  
D- damn, she is evil.  
R- Not even affected by Quatre's bishieness… *sigh*  
RhiannonJenkins- When do we kill 'im?  
D-… soon… but not too soon… I want to be *meat market face* inconspicuous.  
R-… well, I'll leave you to your waiting. So many bishies to screw, such little time…  
  
MrKinomoto- Dinner's almost ready.  
All- YAY!  
Rendle-… I'd better be getting oats. I'll get pissed if I don't get oats.  
K- You're always pissed!  
Rendle- Am not!  
K-… you bit Tasha on the tit.  
Rendle-… point taken.  
N- What am I gonna do? I can't even speak to someone without frying someone else!  
K- you mean Wu-fei.  
N- Don't contradict me! FLAMETHROWER!  
W- *frazzle*… eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…  
K- I'm gonna start getting pissed soon.  
N- just like you're gonna rescue Heero soon.  
K-… summat like that.  
Q- THANKYOU ALL FOR COMING! THE PRESENTS WERE GREAT!  
ShaoranLi- *stumbles out of Closet* aiyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyeeeeeeeeeeyeeeeeee….  
KaworuNagisa- *does up shirt* Come on, be honest, I rocked you're world, right?  
R- Kaworu, Kaworu, you sink so low to screw small children. Tut Tut.  
KaworuNagisa- heck, I'm dead. I have no soul to save.  
R- You know, I'm feeling particularly young today…  
KaworuNagisa- eh?  
R- *grin* I'm not legal for 8 months.  
KaworuNagisa- *eyes boggle* who cares if I'm gay. Where's a closet?  
MrKinomoto- There *lays out meal*  
All- WOW!  
D- RARGH! *jumps onto table bearing garden shears*  
Q- What the…  
D- My scythe was missing. *sweatdrop*  
KaiHiwatari- Pathetic  
RhiannonJenkins- RARGH! *dives at Mr Kinomoto with a biro*  
MrKinomoto- *smiles dumbly* hello children *dodges rj's attack* cake?  
RhiannonJenkins- You should have let Tomoyo bite off Quatre's ear!  
MrKinomoto- Why?  
RhiannonJenkins- Duh! It would have been well funny  
N- err… reality check here. This is KTVS. I luv QWWD. He can't get beat up too bad. And also, he's an anime character. Nothing is permanently scarring in Anime. His ear would have grown back.  
RhiannonJenkins-… dumbass stuff, anime… *leaves* *steals cake* *leaves again*  
D- YOU GO! Fine. I'll get Mr Kinomoto myself!  
N- Whoah… hold on a second. You want to kill Mr Kinomoto?  
D-… yeah. So what?  
SakuraKinomoto- NO! DADDY!  
Q- *huggle sakura* don't worry, it'll be ok.  
Tomoyo- *glare*  
N- You can't do that! And why would you want to?  
D-… coz… *sniffle*… *point finger* HE STOLE MY JOB!  
N-… stop. Rewind. Tasha no understandy.  
D- I'm the cook! I always cook! And then today, my BESTEST friends birthday… *hugs Quatre*  
Q-… since when am I your best friend?  
D- Since now. Neway. Today, his BIRTHDAY, you get some random man to cook!  
K- there is nothing wrong with Random men, Duo.  
D- But he's so lame! He sews!  
W- HEY!  
D- He knits!  
H- HEY! …. Woof  
B- KAWAII!  
D- He… has children!  
N- So did I!... at a time… in the real fake life… ok, digging a bigass hole here. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MR KINOMOTO!  
D- But he makes me feel worthless *bottom lip trembles*  
K- DAW! *huggle* Bad Mr Kinomoto man!  
N- hmm… Dilemma…  
Rei- I got an idea.  
N- Shut up, I'm thinking.  
Rei- But…  
N- Rei, bootiful men are not endowed with brains, so be quiet and look bootiful.  
R- *pout*  
N- See, perfect. Now… hmm….  
KaiHiwatari- I think…  
N- BOOTIFUL MEN CANNOT THINK! Ehem…  
Q- What about me then?  
N- You be quiet honey. Hmmm…  
Dilandau- *twitch*  
All- *silence*  
All- *look at one another*  
All- *silence*  
Rei- I HAVE AN IDEA!  
N- Rei…  
Rei- LET DUO BAKE QUATRE A BIGASS BIRTHDAY CAKE!  
K- YEAH! AND MAKE SURE IT'S TOO BIGASS!  
All- YAY!  
N- YAY! Great idea Rei *twitch* thunderbolt!  
W- BASTARD! *fizzle*  
  
Later on-  
D- I'm happy coz I baked a cake  
MrKinomoto- I'm happy coz I'm always dementedly happy  
SakuraKinomoto- I'm happy coz Quatre-sama is bootiful  
Tomoyo- I'm happy coz Sakura-chan ate my aphrodisiac chocolate  
ShaoranLi- I'm happy… coz Sakura has one less Clow card!  
KaworuNagisa- I'm happy coz I got laid twice!  
Ruth- Ditto!  
Dilandau- *twitch*  
KaiHiwatari- I'm never happy, though I'm satisified that I'm bootiful *blushy* (omg, if kai blushes, his tattoos must go purple!)  
Rei- I'm happy coz I'm smart and Bootiful!  
K- I'm happy coz Rendle didn't eat pinkay  
Rendle- I'm never happy. *munch*  
K- ARGH!  
RhinannonJenkins- I'm happy coz I finally featured in KTVS!  
M/I- MAN MAN!  
H- Help… me  
B- I'm happy coz I'm gay  
///_^ me too  
W- I'm happy coz I featured a lot in this skit.  
PaulMarazzi- *slopes off into distance*  
N- I'm happy coz this is finally done  
Q- And I'm happy coz It's my birthday and you all could come. *giggle*  
  
This KTVS skit is sponsored by-  
Every single anime character I ripped off today. Sorry. 


	12. NOTICE IMPORTANT

OK peeps. This is whats going to happen.  
  
A lot of my fics are going to get a revamp. Next year I take my GCSEs and so I'll be taking some time off from the authoress gig. Therefore a lot of my stories will get revamps now, with new chapters or like IP, beign completely rewritten. KTVS, for example, will be split into two or three fics- KTVS, KTVS at Home and KTVS CC. The KTVS at home stuff will be just the silly antics of the characters in my house, but the elements are carried over into other chaoters in other sections. You will also see mpre and more new guest stras, since I am watching more and more anime, yet every episode contains the 5 g-boys, hence it being a Gundam Wing fanfic. OK, that's all. Here's the next chap of KTVS at home for now.  
  
All my Love  
  
Tashasaphi XX 


	13. Chapter 11 Oh dear we're home again

KTVS GOES HOME!  
Heero and the daring rescue- god that sounds like the beginning to a CCS episode..  
  
You know blanking well who everyone is!  
  
N- *plays on computer*…internet authors suck.  
K- *absent mindedly twiddles hair*  
N- Ya know, there is summat u could do… *points at Poster of Heero*  
K- *oblivious*. .yees?... oooooooooooooooooo!!! I could bake a cake! Yeah!  
N- *spam* ... go bake  
K- heehee! *runs into kitchen, knocks stuff over*  
Cat- oh dear lordy   
K- *runs out of kitchen like Satan was flaming her ass, sits on floor and sulks* … *sniffle* duo yelled at me  
Cat- did he beat you with a wooden spork? If so, don't tell Kai and Rei… they've got that demented fantasy horny look in their eyes…  
K- *sweat drop* he wouldn't dare… but still… he yelled at me!  
N- *snigger* *plays Beyblade game on the PC*  
K- *pout* duo not my fwiend no more.  
N- I'll believe that when I see it.  
K*sigh* well I guess ill go save Heero babe now  
N- geh?!!!  
K- seeing as no one reminded me, I had to remember all by myself  
N- *face fault* I have been dropping subtle hints all evening!  
K-. . . girl, I don't do subtle  
N- *dies*  
K- *oblivious* well off I go *picks up pitchfork and lickle rucksack*  
Rei- that's my pitchfork! You clearly see me carrying it in the series when I abandon the white tigers…. Gah! *is mauled by Mariah and Li*  
N- I believe that was a stick. *sigh* I want my... *thinks* lizard egg to hatch!  
K- *happy* hi ho hi ho it's off tosaveheero I go  
N- you're gonna need a key for da door. Quatre gone all security crazy since Dorothy started trying to break in.  
K- *remembers* ah yes… *goes over to Quatre's pedestal* can I have da key pweeze?  
Q- here ya go. *hands over keys*… *looks preety*  
K- *giggle* danke Quabby!   
Rosie- omg, ur actually going  
K-. . .yees. Bye-bye!  
N-...  
K- *leaves*  
  
5 mins later  
  
K- *comes back*… *pouts* Its raining! U got an umbrelly I could steal?  
N- in the closet *still in shock*  
K- *giggle* danky much! *gets umbrella, leaves*  
N-... *whisper* dos she even know where they live?  
Q-...*whisper* No… do you?  
N- *shakes head*  
K- *comes back* *sweat drop* erm…soooooo, Trowbu and Ben live in a cottage yar?  
Rendle- yes.  
N- in the forest with the roses  
K- much obliged! *leaves. . .again*….*comes back*… *cries* I'm afraid!!! There's bad things in the forest!  
N- *snigger*like Paul  
Q- Not to mention Canth and Sal-  
K- SHH! *huggle wuffy* . . .Paul's in the forest?  
Q- dunno  
N- If he is, he's probably dead now  
W- *sh*t eating grin* My head's in Kaja's boobles… ehhehhehehee  
K- *sigh* SOMEONE COME WITH MEEEE! PWEEEEEEEEEEZE! I need a big stwong man guy to protect me. . .*ROFL*  
Rosie- Hah! There aint no one like that here. There all big Pussys! There more Pussy than me!  
Kaoru- I shall go! *sings ode to joy*  
N- ... sit your gay-ass back down boyo  
K- *looks around at the gormless bunch* kaikyboy!  
Kai- *glare*... you call me Kai Hiwatari and I'll go  
Rei- Go Kai! *dances with pom poms*  
N-… Rei, we discussed that  
K- *struggles* Kai. . .heeroterry?  
Kai-....  
Kai- Say it after me  
Kai- Hih  
Rei- Hih...  
N- *beats him with a spork* Shhh!  
K- *pouts and is difficult*  
Kai- heck f'ing no then… *goes off to smash stuff with blade*  
K- grrr….*thinks* Ahah! BUSTED! DUO! Get your arses out here and come wiiiith meeeeee!  
D- COOKING!  
Busted- BEING FREELOADERS!  
K-   
N- ILL GO!  
K- YAY TASSA!  
N-*pause*... except I need to wash my hair  
K-. . .Tassa made a booboo… hmmm… *thinks again*…. *looks down at chest* Wuuuuuuffyyyyyyyy? Pweeeeeeeeeeze!  
W-... my hair will wash off in the rain *burrows head in Kaja's chest again*  
Rei- *puffs out chest* ILL GO! AND IM NOT GAY OR STUBBORN!  
K-. . .u are gay!  
R-… am not!  
K- You had pompoms!  
R-… I hate you.  
K- Grrr! Ya know if Heero was here he'd come with me to save Heero!  
All- *blink*  
K- *glare* Foine ill go on my own… *turns away*…*sniff* no one loves me anymore  
N- *feels bad* I'll go then!... *pauses*… If I can bring sum one with me *thinks*... better yet, I'll send him with you! He's big and strong and manly! And he's faaaaaaaaast! He'll beat off all attackers…  
K-. . .  
Rendle- she's talking bout me, int she?  
K- *looks at Rendle*. . .I'm not taking THAT into the woods with me! He'll eat me!  
N-…Not if you ride on his back!  
K- *is surprised* I can ride him? cooli!  
Rosie- He is a horse… duh…  
N- *ignores Cat* Rendle needs the exercise! He's getting… pie like  
Rendle- Am not.  
N- Be quiet. So, ya going?  
K- *sigh* I would've ridden anyone of u yknow but oh no! ...come on then Renbo!  
Rendle- *sigh*off we go....   
N- *waves* BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
K- *waves* byebyebye!  
Rendle- *yawn* where am I going? *walks over angel's face*  
K- *teehee* Hey angelafah! *middle finger* *thinks* Go towards the forest! thaaaaat way!  
Rendle-... we are in the forest. And you're pointing to the tower  
K-. . .DONT GO THERE!  
Rendle- *turns around* roighty ho.  
K- *thinks* Go to the clearing where all the lickle animals are prancing around outside that cottage  
Rendle-... that gingerbread house place? The one I ate the garage of?  
K- yeeees …  
  
Some Rendle-mobile travelling later  
  
K- *shudder* it's so. . .rosy  
Rendle- *eats rose* Hey! Sugar flowers!... *thinks* …Is Ben a witch or summat  
in the distance- wuff  
K- . . .o oh… *face faults* Are we at da wrong cottage?  
Rendle- *munch* I dunno  
K- *deep breath* HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! SPEEEEEEAAAAAAAAK OOOOOOOOOOOOOO MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
Rendle- *sigh* It sure nice here  
K- *shudders* Tassa!  
N- *appears on buzzie* you rang*  
K- Me no no where me is going! Helpy!  
Distance- *high pitched cackle*  
K- . . .go Renbo go! Towards the cackle!  
N- Heero rescue squad, away!  
*nothing happens*  
Rendle- *pout* I wanna eat the flowers  
K- *sweat drop* No! We gotta save Heero! I've been promising for aaages! ...plus I need to laugh at Ben… COME OOOON RENBO!  
Rendle- *snort* those be my ribs you're a-kicking  
K- Shuddup and move!  
Rendle- *gallops off* YOU OWE ME CAKE!  
K- yeah yeah… looooking for a cottage… looooking for a gay cottage… there we go!  
*a cottage appears. There are many bunnies pricking about outside*  
K- It's gotta be that one! The blinds look like they're made out of bens trousers!  
Rendle- *twitches* ITS PINK!  
K- *sweat drop*THEYRE GAY!  
Rendle- *snort* ewwy  
K-*gets off Renbo*… *knocks on door*…hellooooo!  
(something that sounds like Herbie)- *sigh* woof woof someone's at the door *groan*  
Paul- HELLO!  
K- *swoon*PAULIE!  
N- *glare*  
Paul- Hi. They sold me their Heero clone, Kai  
Kai- *twitches in his loin clothed nakedness* help... me  
Rendle- *frown* I thought Ben was the gay one?  
K-. . .quiet fool… *looks down*. . .Kaiky boy?!  
Rendle- If he is here, then why was Kai back home, poking me and buster with biros?  
Paul- HOLOGRAM! MHWHAHAHAHHAA  
K- YOU ARE ALL CONFUSING ME! *whimper*...TAAAASHAAAAA!  
N- *sigh* It's so hard being the smart one… let me get this straight. Heero is at Ben and Paul's cottage, and Kai is here, and at home is a Kai hologram?  
buster- hewwo  
K- hmmm. . where's Trowa then? *thinks* *looks at Paul* what the hell are u doing here?!!?  
P- I reserve the right not to answer that… *kicks Kai*  
Buster- *blinks dumbly* I smell lubricant, to the west *looks at Westside closet*  
K- *twitch*. . .holy Christ  
Rendle- Thanks Buzzie... more than I needed to know  
K- grrrr… OK EVERYONE SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP! and open the damn door and let me in!  
Paul- the door is open  
Buster- *kicks Paul*  
K- *giggle* Danke buster *points at Paul* You…  
Kai- *voice cracks* SAVE ME!!!  
K-…right… You *points at Kai* get on buster. Now!  
N- *wink* scoot up behind me, hunny  
Kai- *tattoos go purple* *hops up*  
K- very good *turns around* YOU *point at Paul* Stay back! *goes in house* *gags* HEEEEROOOOOO!  
H- *slouched outside closet, wearing a matching loin cloth to Kai's*  
Rendle- Hey, *looks at Paul* You said he wasn't here!  
K- apparently... he is here. . .he answered the door  
Paul- I answered the door!  
N- be quiet! *bitchslap*.  
K- *looks at Heero* . .he's here right?  
Buster- eh?  
N- *twitch* IS HEERO HERE OR NOT  
H- yes  
K- HEERO! *huggle Heero*…boyo get on the damn horse  
Ben- *whip crack* NOT SO FAST! *leaps out of closet in Tuxedo mask costume* If you're taking away little barky 8gesures to Heero* I want my dragon egg back! Ahah!  
N- *gasp*nooooooooooooooooooooooo!  
K- *growl*quiet boy!...u can have. . .Paul! He's small and compact and he'll do the cooking and washing and stuff!  
Ben- *handcuffs Heero to him* It's him *smirk* or the Dragon egg  
K- GAH! DONT SAY IT! *huggle wuffy. . .in her mind*  
Paul- Yeah, small, compact, and outta here *runs awaaaaay*  
K- *sigh. . .growl* ok then… *taps foot* Where the f is Trowa?!  
///_- zzzzz  
K- _ ok  
N- *eyes water* Do we really need Herbie back, Kaja? We have so many other short little suicidal men!  
K- Yes! He's funky!  
N- I NEED ME DRA-  
K- And I'm still plotting to get. . .DONT SAY IT! *huggle wuffy. . .in her mind. . .again*  
N- *cries*  
K- grrr… BENJAMIN GIVE ME BACK HEERO RIGHT NOW YOUNG MAN!  
B-... *pout* Gimme my dragon egg back then  
K-…it's not mine  
N-*snivel*  
K-…but I will give you. . .erm. . .erm. . . this fetching pitchfork!  
B- *glare* if ya wont gimme the egg... I want a horse!  
N- *gasp* not my Rennie kins and Buster babe!  
K- *folds arms*they are not mine I canna just give em away man!  
Ben- *smirk* then Tasha can give me one them! Can't you, old flame of mine…  
K- *snort* she loves them way more than you hunny  
Ben- *stamps foot* I don't care! I need payment!  
Rendle- For what?!... oh for Heero  
K- Well… erm. . .what about. . .the rucksack AND the pitchfork hmm hmm?  
N- *thinks about values and stuff*... take the sodding egg! *throws it at him* *wails* Bastard! There, ya got Heero back… *floods of tears*   
H- YAY! *kicks Ben in the balls and jumps on Rendle* Run like the wind Rendle!  
K-. . .erm… ok this aint right *thinks* Tassa needs her dragon!  
N- *snivel* bastard ex boyfriend homo man! I HOPE ITS UGLY!  
K- . . .quick decision *SSSSNATCH!*…  
Ben- Huh?  
K- *jumps on Rendle* RUN RENBO RUN!  
Rendle- *runs*  
Buster-… *blink blink*… oh yeah! *runs*  
  
*Back at Tasha's House*  
  
Buster/Rendle- *pant pant*  
K- Go horseys! *directs them towards Duo's kitchen* *giggle*there ya go Tassa babe  
N- *blink blink*what did u snatch?  
H/Kai- *dancing*  
K- *rolls eyes* da egg duh! geez!  
N- *squeal* YAYYYYY!  
K- oh yeah *flicks hair* I fricking rule  
*crack*  
N- *gasp* It's hatching!  
K- Yay eggy!  
*everyone gathers round in awe…*  
Baby unigon- *giggle*  
N- *squeals* DAWWWW!  
Rendle- *munch* it wasn't a dragon after all…  
D- MY KITCHEN… NOOOO!  
H- All that trouble and it wasn't a Dragon…  
K-shh! Don't say the word! *huggle wuffy and Heero and Tassa and Kai and unibo*  
N- *gasp* THATS WHAT ILL CALL IT! UNIBO!  
Unibo- *giggle*  
K- woohoo! *dancing* I fricking ruuule I fricking ruuule!  
N- *dancing*  
Rei- *dances with Pom Poms… stops* But, now there are two!  
K- 2? oooooh! 2 Kais!  
N- Ooh yeah …  
K- but that one has blue hair...and that one don't  
N- Ya know, I'm surprised we didn't notice that before  
Rei- *gasp* FRAUD! *punches pink haired Kai*  
K- *watches Rei* Yeah. . .ah well  
Kai- Ow you fool! Ben died my hair pink! *punches Rei across the room*  
Blue haired Kai- *looks around* *twitch* I have been discovered... must terminate! *poof*  
*blue haired Kai vanishes*  
N- geh?  
K- Uh Heero. . .are u wearing pink lippy?  
N-... ew  
K-. . .I am so confused  
  
Ya likey? Well now, we must ask these questions-  
What's a Unibo?(you eeediots! Go read IP!)  
What the hell is Ben's obsession with Pink G-boydamnit! (he's gay…)  
Will I ever stop answering my own questions? (…)  
  
Find out the unsolved answers in the next exciting instalment of  
  
KTVS GOES HOME  
  
This week sponsored by Brak- "Ya know, love is a happy time… all throughout the universe… It's where the male part of the species goes to the female part of the species and he says "hey, you wanna go on a date?" and then, she would say "why, yes, I'd like to go on a date," if your lucky… and then you go to restaurant and she gets something called… a salad… and then he gets a big piece of… beef… that he eats… and that to me, ladies and gentlemen, is love… kinda makes you cry, doesn't it?  
  
And that's a direct quote 


	14. Chapter 12 Yay! It's back! Coveting is b...

That chapter that should have been KTVS CC but never became because of the coveting sinners.  
  
N- Guess who's back. that's right my festive folks and pokes! *looks at Pickachu* Its that festive time of year again when I get silly and start writing KTVSCC AGAIN #*%- Why are you writing this again? N- Because, my musical loon, I am bored out of my skull and I have one day til the end of my GCSE's. £$/#- Me too ^^ N- Not that you need them. *&9~$£- Nope ^^ *skips away to corrupt young men* N-. Why do all my friends corrupt people.. WHY DAMN YOU!?!?!?!? R- I don't. N-. true. You just cause young men everywhere sexual tension and frustration. That and tightening trousers. R- I also like alcohol! *waves Ruthy flags* N-. yes. R- ANYWAY I was wondering why you are writing KTVS CC in June. N-. because I'm bored. R- JOLLY GOOD! *runs off to torment young men* N-.. Q- hey. N- Hey Quatre. Where did you come from? Q- got bored of the angst in Dangerous Pastime and decided to have some crazy fun. N- True, true. D- Are you ripping off Budweiser? N- *pushes Duo off the stage* Q-. N- *looks at Quatre* Q- I said nothing. N- Good. ///_- . N- Hey Trofu. ///_¬ are you trying to feature as many g-boys as possible to make this more GW-ified? N- Okay, 2 things to say. One, NEVER use the phrase 'ified' in my prescence again. You scare me. ///_-; N- And two.. Yes, yes, that's completely right. ///_¬ you know, no one can condemn this fic for being non gundam wing, since no one reads it. N- . That's cold Trowa. Real cold. I may never speak to you again for that one. ///_- N-. ///_¬ N-. ///_-; N- I hate you. ///_^  
  
MEANWHILE.  
  
Kai-. my hair is more anti-gravity than yours. H- Liar. Kai- Am not. *flicks hair* H- *glares* Kai- ^^ H-. Kai-. H-. Kai- I'm taller than you. H- Liar. Kai- *stands up* Am not. H-. Bastard. Kai- Amen. ^^ H-. I look fitter in spandex. Kai- Liar. H- I'm serious. Kai- You're a fool. Look at my chest in spandex. No one can resist the Kai! H- At least I don't look like a cheap prostitute in the second series. Kai- AT LEAST I HAVE A SECOND SERIES! H- *gasp* Kai- Yeah! H-. B-tard. Kai- Oh, I know. H-. You look like Kei from Dirty Pair Flash. Kai- *gasp* Ooh that's low. H- ^^ I know. Kai- Dya think we should stop arguing yet? H- No. Kai- Good ^^ H- Russian wimp. Kai- Scrawny crotchless. pilot. thing. H-. I HAVE A CROTCH! Kai- Who's lying now?  
  
. MEANWHILE.  
  
D-. Hellooooo.. Helloooooooo? Heeeelpppp meeeeee.. I'm stuck to the chewing gum on the floooooorrrr! Rei- Hey Duo. D- Oh it's you. *covet's Rei's hair* Rei-. what's up? D- Stuck to the.*eyes go wide* such fullness. long and full. bastard. Rei- *backs away slowly* Err. shall I go get someone to help. D- GIMME YOUR HAIR DAMN YOU! Rei- *runs away screaming* D-.. Hellooooooooooooo?  
  
....MEANWHILE..  
  
N- Madobe ni hitori ho tsu e tsuite, yamanai abe wo chito miteru kyo wa. zutto. hitori. Q- Ahh Ahh. W- SPINNING LIKE A BEY-BUH-LADE HEY YO! N- *glares at Wu-fei for interrupting her singing* Q- *gawk* Why is Wu-fei wearing Neon yellow? N-. he is coveting Takao's neon-ness. It's quite sad really. Kai- *tackles Wu-fei* urge to kill. rising. rising. W- *pulls at Katana and glares* Kai- falling. falling quickly. vanishing. *dashes off to tease Herbie* N- *sweatdrops* You people worry me. Q- You wrote this, you know. N- Yes. I did. And it's ALL YOUR FAULT YA RAVING PINK HOMO! Q- *gasp* N-. Ruthy, get out of my head please. R- My bad. *skips away to torment Trowa* Q-. I think it was a bad idea integrating Beyblade into our fragile way of life. N- *fires beyblade across the floor* probably. too late to do anything now. Q-. N- At least you don't covet anyone. ???- Yah! *fires yoyo at Unibo* Unibo- YEEEEEEEK *is knocked out by Yoyo* ???- YAY! *dances around. Q- *eyes go wide*. Bridget- Hey everyone. N- *collapses in giggles* AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAA. hey bridget, hows it hanging? HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAAA Bridget- *blink* eeerr. I'm OK. Q- It's me.. As a girl. and a nun.. *covets Bridget* Bridget- *blink* err.. No. I'm the child of a wealthy aristocrat. Q- Like me. Bridget-. trying non stop to be more manly ^^ Q-. we're like. twins. Bridget-. You wear trousers. Q- And you have a yo yo. Bridget- *tugs at gloves awkwardly* Err. yeah. N- Sorry about this. What's up? *snicker* Bridget- Just passing by. Q- *throws Bridget in a sack and skips away* Now I have my very own twin ^^ Yayness ^^ N- Quatre, just wait a second. Q- What? N- Bridget. isn't all that normal. Q- She's my long lost twin! Now I have 30 sisters! Kitty- 31! N-. Bridget isn't a girl, Quatre. Q- Wha? Oh! She's a cyborg! N- *spam* No. HE's a BOY. Q-. N- I'm not kidding. Bridget- Neither am I! Q- *lets Bridget out*. She looks like a girl. Bridget- HE does not! Bloody stupid sick twisted parents raising me as a female, screwing up my perspective. *grumble* *looks at Quatre* Am I gonna look like that when I find my manhood? N-. I hope not. Bridget- *frowns* Why are we the same height? N- Because the creators of Guilty Gear X2 needed inspiration, as did the creators of beyblade when they ripped Heero and Duo. D- I WANT IT! Rei- AHHHHHHHHH! Bridget- *sweatdrop* Q- *pouts* He's got prettier clothes than me. Bridget- And prettier hair. WAIT! I DON'T WANNA BE PRETTY! AWW HECK!... I need my teddy. Robot spiky teddy thing- grrr Bridget- ^^ N-....................... Q- *covets prettiness.* Bridget- *covets ugly man pants.* N-........................ what did I do in my past life to deserve this? Cat- I expect you were Hitler. Kaja keeps making comparisons. K- BOOYAH! N-. maybe I was a baby shaker. Cat- Many would say Hitler was worse. N- Meh. Baby shaking is bad too. Cat- Why are discussing this? N- Spares me from writing about people coveting other people. Cat- Amen. *thumping noise echoes from closet* N-....... Cat-....... Bridget & Q- *stop fawning over each other and look at closet* N- I thought I told her not to 'play' with the G boys anymore. People covet them, and too much coveting has occurred today. Cat-. D- *bursts out of cupboard pulling something white* AHAH! Rei- ?)£^$"£*)(P~.',';pM(&I%&eFOIUF*^VYIU!!!! N- is he speaking Chinese? W- Hell yeah. R- That doesn't sound like Chinese. W- It is. K- Shouldn't we be worrying more about Duo scalping Rei than what language he's speaking? W-. N-. R-. Bridget & Q- *are fawning again* N- And your point is? K- *skips away to braid Kaoru's hair.* D- NOW THERE IS NO ESCAPE AND I WILL HAVE THE LONGEST HAIR IN KTVS LAND! Rei-OWOOWOWOWOWOOWOWOWWWW! *yowls and bites Duo* D- OW! Rei- *hiss spit* *runs up the curtains* D- HEY! COME BACK HERE YOU- *trips over unconscious Unibo* K- Are you OK, Duppy? D-. I'm OK. random she-male broke my fall. Bridget- @.@ Moogli- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *streaks across stage* R-.. When did Chris get here? N- Well he features non-stop in the webcomics, why not KTVS? R-. because KTVS is sacred. N-. R-. N- I could make him wear the spangly red number. R- Yeah, that would be better. Moogli- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *streaks across stage in RSN* R- Now I'm amused. and strangely disturbed. N- Your fault. R- Meh. *plays with mini-dragoon* Q-. you killed my twin. D- She. he. it's not dead. just. er. indisposed.. ^^ Bridget- @_@ Q- Urge to kill. rising. rising.. D- AGG FOOK QUATRE'S GOING ZERO! H-. crap W-.damn ///_- bollocks. Now I have to die again and not reappear for 10 eps. *sighs* N-. why me. K- Ooo.. *braids Quatre's hair* Q-. falling.. Falling. gone. All- *bwink?* Moogli- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *runs across the stage again in spangly red number* WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END!?!?! Bridget- *yoyos Moogli off the stage* When you stop running around. geez. Q- HESHE LIVES! *huggle* Keemew2- *covets Quatre from her hidey hole* K- .. *looks around*. PH33R THE P0W4 OF BRAIDS! YEAH! Kaoru- Amen. *covets Bridget, Quatre, Duo, Rei, Heero, Kai, Wu-fei, Takao, Trowa, Moogli.*. *creeps off to corner* shiiiinji. shiiiinji. N- O_o WTF? Seiya- *randomly appears in santa suit* HOHOHO! It's time for KTVS CC! YEAH! ......... Seiya- What? Bridget- *eyes go sparkly* It's someone more messed up than me! Yay! *skips away yoyo-ing* N-. eerr. Seiya. we're not doing KTVS CC yet. Seiya-.. We're not? R- We forgot it was June. N- Yeah, our bad. Being 16 just got to our heads ^^ D- *twiddles thumbs* you is older than me now. N- Yeah. That sucks. R- I thought you shared a birthday? N & D- we do. ///_- Gboys do not age, so we may forever be tormented in slash fics, hentai and perverted dreams for ever more as young, lithe and oddly flexible objects of affection. ....... R- Wow. N- That was Trowa's longest line ever ^^ ///_-; *applause* N- he had a longer one in the series, when Quatre killed him that one time. R- Oh yeah! . You seen that episode? N- Naw. You? R- Naw. N-. We are too knowledgeable. R- Yeah. Seiya- So we're not doing KTVS CC? N- Why are you even in this? Your moment has passed. be gone! *poofs Seiya* Bridget- NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Moogli- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *snatches Bridget and runs up and down in the spangly red number* N-. Chris. Stop it. Moogli- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! R-. stop eeet damn you. Moogli- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
BANG  
  
Moogli- *lies unconscious after being shot by Heero and Trowa, yoyoed by Bridget, sliced by Quatre, scythed by Duo, katana-ed by Wu-fei, beybladed by Kai and Rei, slappa-ed by Kaja and Kaoru and having unibo thrown at him by Tasha and Ruthy* N-.. Wow. H- I have killed you. D- I think we all killed him. Rei- Over kill. *meow* Kai- . Bridget-. Your face paint is pretty ^^. STOP EET DAMN YOU! Q- *covets Kai's face paint* N-.. Ugg.  
  
*******  
  
Well, what did we learn today? COVETING IS A SIN DAMN IT! DO NOT COVET! NEVER COVET OR BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN BEYOND YOUR CONTROL! WRAGH! Moogli/Chris is insane. What else is new? Seiya sucks. Never mix beyblade with Gundam Wing. Oooh Gundam Blade. Beywing. ^^ The RSN WILL NEVER LEAVE! Rei has better hair than Duo. Tasha is 16. Duo is still 15. Go figure.  
  
And what will you tune in next time for?  
  
Err. more of Trowa's long insightful lines? ///_¬ .. I think not. JUST READ MORE!  
  
Todays episode was sponsored by too many things to mention, involving Yoyos, beyblades, face paint, Coveting Corp etc.  
  
Heres a wonderful link to Bridget-dom.  
  
^^ 


End file.
